TO LIGHT MY FIRE

THREE

The smell of Mom’s chicken made me rethink my decision of becoming a vegetarian. The table was scattered with bowls of goodness from Mac and Cheese to triple - chocolate brownies. We don’t have this much food unless it’s a holiday or there’s big news. There’s only three of us.

‘So, what’s the occasion?’ I plopped a spoonful of macaroni on my plate and passed it to my father. ‘Can a mother not cook a nice meal for her family just for the fun of it?’ She sipped her red wine and smiled.

Dad and I looked between each other.

‘NO.’

‘I’ll tell you after supper. You guys outta start eating before the food gets cold.’

We started digging in, and then everyone started talking about their day. Other than being a pastor, Dad also owns a car panel beaters. Will’s DENTS and SPRAY. Apparently one of his mechanics had taken one of the cars for a joyride last night, lost control, and sunk it in Peter’s River.

‘Thank God that idiot didn’t wrap it around a tree. That’s why I’m not so eager to letting you drive a car.’

Mom took another sip of her wine. And then another.

She hadn’t always been like this. The drunk woman on the block. Before the death of my brother, we would always go on family trips to the City to visit Mom’s family. The last time we went, Parker and I asked her if we could pet the animals on a farm we saw. She seemed hesitant about it, however she still let us go. Moments later she was yelling at us to get in the car and scolded us for going onto the farm property. It’s like she switch bodies with someone when we stepped on that land.

We haven’t been back to the City since then.

‘Honey, maybe you should slow down,’ my father’s concerned voice said to her. ‘Hush, Will. I barely drank half the glass,’ she continued to sip the grape poison.

‘Eve, how was your day?’ Dad looked toward me with pleading eyes to change the subject before Mom made another comment.

‘Well, I sang my song for Drama class today?’

‘And what song was that, Peanut?’ He bit a huge piece of meat off his chicken bone. Mom looked at me intently to hear my answer.

‘Amazing Grace,’ I picked up my water to swallow my lie into an abyss of lies that lived in my stomach. Not telling my parents the truth has become a routine in my life. If I even said one thing that wasn’t up to their standards then I would have to hear a lecture that would last a lifetime.

‘Excellent choice, Eve!’ You know Labyrinth use to sing that all the time,’ Mom refilled her glass and spun it around. ‘That was before she decided that being on her knees was better than…’

‘Eve! What else happened to you today?’ Dad scowled at my mother’s behaviour and picked up a brownie.

‘Well, Amelia Mitchell is having a birthday party at Hawthorn on Friday and I was wondering if I could go.’

‘As long as someone is going with you,’ I smiled Dad’s way and he put his hand on top of mine. Mom just continued to sip.

‘And also she invited Cassandra and I to this concert before the party,’ I stuck a string bean in my mouth and put my head down. My Mom’s eyes felt like they were drilling burr holes into my head.

‘Who’s performing at this concert?’ She refilled her glass for the third time tonight. Her normal dose was five glasses, but she was downing them faster than she usually would.

‘Clark Gabriel, AKA Jaxx.’ The room went silent and all you could hear was the rain pelting on the window as it slowed down.

I have never listened to Clarks’ music on my own, but from time to time Cassandra would blast it when I’d be in the car with her. From what I gathered, my parents weren’t big fans of his aesthetic.

‘No.’ They both bluntly say at the same time. Mom’s sips turn into gulps, and Dad took off his glasses before tackling another chocolate treat.

‘Why? Cassandra’s gonna be there with me,’ I pleaded.

‘I don’t care if the Army is going to be there with you, you are not going to that concert.’ Mom reached for a biscuit and started putting grape jam on it. That was the first thing I saw her eat tonight.

‘Do you want to go to hell?’ She asked casually. ‘Because it seems like you want to attend a concert where the devil’s music will be blasting and you want to see the demon’s spawn for yourself? Is that what you want, Eve?’

‘Do you not want to go to heaven?’ She began filling her fifth glass and tears threatened to spill from my twitching eyes. ‘You can’t have one foot in the Bible and the other in a cesspool of tattoos.’

How can she go from being a loving mother/wife who allowed her children to pet animals to a hating grouch who can’t stand to let her daughter experience the world?

‘No, but I think I can handle being in the outside world without you holding my hand. I know right from wrong because you guys taught me. Dad tell her!’ I looked at Dad trying to get some reassurance from him. My father let out a breath that he must had been holding for a while.

‘Listen, Eve. I have to agree with your mother. It’s better if you don’t get involved in that kind of crowd. We’re supposed to be setting an example for the Church and we can’t do that by serving two masters,’ Dad spoke in his serious voice that he used during sermons.

‘So who do you choose, Eve? Huh! God or Satan?’ I lost count of the times she filled her glass, but I knew any second she would explode.

My head was pounding from asking such a simple question. How did we get to the topic of me choosing Satan over God because I have no idea? I buried my head in my hands trying to concentrate on words. Any words than the ones coming from their mouths.

The sun is setting

In the sky

Let’s light the moon

And bring it high -

As I lie down,

I breathe in time of three.

And, feel the Love

Come back to me

I exhaled and looked up at them with a tear stained face. Anxiety had become my biggest enemy when I began my teenage years. Partly because of conversations like these with my parents. Especially Mom. They refuse that I take pills; claiming that they will pray this manifestation out of me. It’s still there. Unwavering. I feel it growing stronger as each day passes.

‘Forget I even asked,’ I wiped my face and placed the napkin from my lap on the table. ‘Is it okay if I spend the night at Cassandra’s on Friday or is she going to affect my faith too?’ I waited for an answer, but I only got Dad rubbing his forehead and the loud gulping of Mom.

I picked up my plate so I could wash it and sleep away this entire day. ‘Great. And don’t worry about me trying to sneak to the concert with Cassandra. She said if I didn’t go that she wouldn’t either. At least she’s not trying to make my decisions.’

Mom drank the last of the wine and slammed her glass on the table; shattering it. Wouldn’t be the first time.

‘Sorry about your parents. I forgot how harsh they can be,’ Cassandra say across from me in Zainy’s Place sipping her strawberry milkshake. ‘I’ll ditch the entire thing and we can have a Once Bitten marathon at my place.’

‘Its fine,’ I chewed on my Chips and watched my phone as it rang for the fifth time today. It was my Mom. She’s without a doubt drunk and I didn’t want to be a victim of her delirium. I ended up turning the entire phone off.

‘No,’ I shook my head.

‘No, what?’ Cassandra asked curiously.

‘You shouldn’t miss this concert, and neither am I.’ Cassandra tilted her head to the side with a confused look on her face. ‘You have your thinking face on? Why?’

‘I told my parents that I’m spending the night at yours tomorrow. They wouldn’t have a clue,’ I dusted the salt from the Chips off my fingers. ‘I’m not following.’

I rolled my eyes.

‘How you manage to be on the Dean’s List is beyond me,’ I laughed at her puzzled exterior. ‘I’ll bring my stuff to yours.’

Her eyes and smile grew huge. ‘We’re going to the party?’

‘We’re sure as hell going to the party.’