The Outcast 28

‘Because she wants you to get better…’ Papa quickly explained, sounding a bit soft.  He was obviously feeling a bit of sympathy for this broken man.  It was depressing to see that some people had let their demons turn so deadly and dark that they end up scarring their own selves…becoming a sheer tragedy in front of the whole world.

‘But I am turning better …for her…’ he spoke in a coarse manner, pleading, aching, saying anything to convince us that he cared for me, that his world would be sheer bright for me.  But I didn’t want to steal his light, make his wounds heal my own.  I wanted him to smile, live a burdenless life and get rid of his face mask.

‘But that’s not what she wants…she wants you to get better for yourself. Your crimes and ugly past will always haunt your life.  Destroying others happiness will never allow you to live a happy life.  Just repent, face the consequences, and come back, she will wait…’

‘Bbbut, she won’t, she will leave…’

Both Jean and I had now started crying thick and heavy tears.  Our hearts were breaking, our souls was crushed.  Seeing someone, who we so deeply cared about, begging to be taken care of, held on and cherished, sounded so shattering, so depressing.  I wanted to say that I would never leave…that I was doing this, it was for him.  His happiness had become such a priority. But I couldn’t allow his demons to break him, daily.  He had been wrong, he had hurt many souls, once mine too, committed too many sins, and living without repenting for such sins would be a disaster.  I wouldn’t let him make that choice.

‘She won’t.’  Papa was firm.  There was nothing but sheer honesty and sincerity echoing from his tone.  I actually felt awed by the fact that Carmen wasn’t forcing us to give in to his demons.  He could easily force my family to listen…could ignore my conditions, but he didn’t.  He was never going against me.

‘Okay, I will do it…’  He finally gave in, sounding so small, so tiny …so vulnerable and lost that I couldn’t help but allow a muffled and choking cry of pain to escape.

My tears immediately caught his attention.  ‘She is crying, for me?’  There was wonder, disbelief,  awe in his tone.  I felt a smile sneaking through my tears.

Turning towards to glare at me, Zian spoke through a clenched jaw.  ‘Stop it.’  I couldn’t.  These tears, they were all meant for him.  I just realized how alike we were; both so deeply controlled by our emotions and their intensity.

Thus, as tears continued to pour, the siren of the police cars began to echo in the air and alert us all of their presence.

They were here.

….

Watching Carmen being dragged to the police car and pushed inside it, I couldn’t help but wipe away the stray tears.  I had rushed out of the tent once Carmen was handcuffed and taken into custody.  He showed no resistance, no attempts to flee.  All the policemen had grabbed him by the hair, raised guns-much to my horror-to court him towards the car.  They feared that he would escape, use his manipulative brain or deadly schemes to easily manoeuvre his way out.  But I knew he won’t.

Detective Jolene had called to congratulate me.  I simply cut her call after a few minutes.  The dull moonlight was now shining over my head, the police car fading away.  I felt a warm, bittersweet, sensation filling up my soul.

Carmen, he was my present, future!  He had appeared in my life like an avenging knight, so dark and mysterious. He had fought my demons, made me love my own self, figure out vulnerabilities and discover how it felt to be truly cherished, to be strong. He had morphed me into a shooting star.  He had his own demons, own fears, but for me, he was like a protective shield, mighty and wonderful.  Our story had a rough start, but I could see a beautiful ending, or maybe it was just another beautiful starting; the beginning of our new chapter.

Sighing as droplets of rains began to tickle my heart, I pulled open the bag that was hanging from my shoulder and took out two gifts that I had kept safe all this time; the ring and the necklace. They were sparkling, gleaming.  The necklace’s chain was dangling in the air, swaying so sweetly with the wind.

I felt so awed and dazzled.

Wearing the gifts, which I had figured out,were from Carmen, I let a small smile appear on my face.  Jean might have fooled me that day, but I knew what she meant.  These memories were something I always wanted to cherish.

Carmen and I, we were like shooting stars, two souls who had found one another, our demons bonding and learned what it meant to truly cherish someone.

…..

She had shed tears for him.  Carmen didn’t know how to feel at the simple things,that she had cried for him.  It didn’t make any sense.  He didn’t know how to deal with actually being cherished by someone.  People had respected him out of fear, terror…simple need for power, but there was hardly anyone for whom he mattered.  Loneliness and sheer isolation had haunted him…made him want to destroy.

Sarah. She had been his deepest obsession, the brightest light in his life.  Aisha was just an illusion, it was Sarah who made his world tilt, made his heart felt so consumed by powerful emotions that even breathing became a test.  He was a psycho, so tortured by his demons, but she made him feel sane, happy.  Something his own mother had never made him feel.  He was aching because his mother was in the hospital, but he felt like he could keep holding her hand without wanting her to squeeze back his hand, to reflect his emotions.  He felt free, liberated, no longer wanting to stay comforted by the darkness.

Smirking, he simply pulled apart his handcuff, causing the policemen sitting next to him to immediately grow alert.  They were seriously mistaken if they thought they could keep him handcuffed.  In fact, the only reason he was being cooperative was because of Sarah.  She wanted him to make an effort, but he wasn’t going to let the police forget their place.  They would always be reminded who was controlling this chase.

Rolling his eyes while ignoring the panicked threats, he moved his right hand towards his face and roughly pulled off his mask.  Immediately, the threatening cries turned into shocked silence.  It was hard to believe such a cunning and manipulative psycho didn’t look so dangerous and malicious.

Moon light had started shining in the sky, again.

INTO THE BLUES…OUT IN THE LIGHT…

MY FADED DREAMS HAVE LEARNED TO FIGHT…

6 Months later…

The tears had placed, the storm. It had stopped thundering over my head and shaking my world.  I was liberated, felt so light and happy.  I felt like floating in thin air, so free of my fears and anxiety. It took work…experience to finally face my demons.  All that I had been through that mental illnesses and fears were something you had to cure on your own.  A simple prince couldn’t erase the dark clutches of depression from your mind, it had to be you.

I had learned to cherish, to be brave in expressing my emotions, fears and just fighting for what I want.  I felt so strong, now…so powerful and cherished.  And it wasn’t all about being adored…in fact, deeply caring about anther person had also become my strength.  I just felt so light.  The sun in my life had finally shone.  I used to eye silver platters with envy, never truly cherishing my surroundings, and this whole episode had made me feel so grounded, content, and just positive enough to wait for silver linings because every story had a silver lining.  You might only see dark clouds, but there is a sun hiding behind that cloud.

Now, placing one bud of my earphones into my right ear, I smiled as the head of the ‘empowered women’ committee called me on stage to make a speech.  I was invited to one of their monthly meetings in order to share my story of surviving the wicked clutches of a psycho with the rest of the world.  I had chuckled at that.  If only they knew…

The head of the committee was an elderly woman who had pretty firm and headstrong beliefs.  Most of her speeches had always been about bashing her sons, husband, and compelling other women to be the same way.  I didn’t believe in such shallow and petty thinking.  After eyeing the world with suspicion and contempt, I had learned to love it…not for its vices, but for the rays that truly made it beautiful.  There is both good and bad in this world. And often, we tend to get so lost in the miserable elements that we forget to see the positive elements of life.  Hating, just for the sake of hating, is one of the bitterest things one can do, and that is why I decided to attend this meeting.  My story had reached ears that were content in living with stereotypical and bitter mindsets.  I wanted to show that It was okay to love the world, to accept that not all hearts were dark.  Some could really liberate you.

Fidgeting as all eyes fell on me, I shyly walked towards the stage.  The meeting was taking place in a sound-proof hall, so I didn’t mind giving a speech and bonding with all those who truly wanted to learn.  There were chandeliers covering every inch of the hall’s ceiling and a dozen regal chairs placed around a carved wooden stage that just made me feel so grand and grateful to be invited to a sophisticated-looking gathering.

I wanted to make a change.

Stepping onto the stage, I nodded my head as Suzie moved to let me stand in front of the podium and took my place.  The crowd was watching me with intrigued silences.  There were cups of tea being drunk, soups passing around.  I could feel my heart embrace the warm swirls of delicious aroma and use it’s comfort to finally address the crowd.  I wasn’t scared anymore.  Previously, bullying, depression, and plain rejection had damaged my self-esteem so intensely that even being soft emotions felt suspicious and doubtful to me.  Not anymore.  I was feeling confident, proud, and just so bright.

Clearing my throat in the mic, I winced at the speaker letting out a shrilling screech and took a step behind.  A spotlight was hanging directly above my head, and I felt like the crowd had faded as my heart readied me to spill out my story, show the world what happens when you fall and then pick yourself up.

‘Ummm…so, I am the girl who, supposedly, survived the clutches of a brilliant psycho,’ I joked, trying to break the ice and keep the atmosphere warm.  Suzie only scoffed from behind me.  That caused me to turn, sigh and smile in an understanding manner.

‘Want me to come?’

‘No.’  I quickly whispered into my headphone, keeping my gaze straight ahead.

Sighing, I then grabbed the mic and spoke out loud. ’Okay, let’s start with having me introduce myself,’  I announced, keeping my smile bright.  ’My name is Sarah.  I recently graduated from college and now work in my father’s pharmacy store.  As you all know, I was kidnapped almost a year ago by some psychopath; the man who changed my life, but not in the worse way.’  I added, earning gasps for the crowd and a low chuckle from the headphone.  No one wanted to hear that a broken man could actually have some of his shattered pieces feel safe, especially not at this convention.

Hearing disapproving murmurs vociferate in the air, I clapped my hands to gain back the attention and moved closer to the mic. ’Let me explain.’  My voice stayed cool and confident. ’The reason why I say that is because I used to be a miserable person.  I have dealt with so many demons, depression, anxiety, rejection…living in a complete bubble that made me think that my worth solely dependent on the opinion of others, and that just kept me in a shell.

It’s actually surprising how dealing with a ’psychopath’ actually made me love myself, feel content and cherish the blessings of life when a UCT graduate made me feel so low. But it was my fault.  I had forced myself to always be dependent on others, to value myself only when others considered me relevant.  I had failed to acknowledge my own achievements.

After being kidnapped, I was mentally tortured, suffocated, but those scars were inflicted by a man whom everyone deemed as insane-crazy.  His actions were wrong, yet there was comfort in the feeling that everyone considered him wrong, but what about those who the society deem as sane…golden? It scars when these people can hurt without having their labels tarnished.

I actually learned it the hard way to just let these people go; they break, they would, and they fool us all, but they do realize.  At some point, every person realizes.  I have learned that there can be diamonds hiding behind some dark facades and sinister clutches lurking behind warm looks.

It’s all about the perspective and giving every genuine person a chance.  I am not saying that psychos deserve a chance…they don’t.  But the man who kidnapped me did.  He made me love myself, showed me how it felt to be cherished and strong.  Something I had never learned to do on my own.  So I gave him a chance.  I sent him to jail, forced him to face that consequences of his sins, and then married him.’  That earned stunned gasps from the crowd, making me smile.  I actually could hear a shift in perspectives.  Everyone actually seemed moved, so caught in the moment.  Good.

This convention had always promoted hate.  There were women here who had been badly hurt and just wanted to heal their pain by blaming and staying bitter; I used to act the same way until I realized that by holding that amount of bitterness had only suffocated my own heart, not the suppressors.  I knew that those who do wrong get to face the consequences of their actions, but it wasn’t my hate that was causing problems for them, it was my scars.

I had realized that I could flourish only if I learned how to forgive. And that is what I did.  I forgave my bullies, Bradley and Aisha and in return wanted the world to do the same.  Let bygones remain bygones.

The past can hurt, but we can’t let it be our destiny.

‘Okay, so no reaction? Ouch.’  The playful scowl echoed in my ear just made me shake my head in amusement. 

‘Nah..’ I assured the voice, grinning. ‘They are all looking quite impressed.’

‘Good.’

Watching as the crowd whispered among to each other and the air continued to shift with so much intrigue and curiosity, I proudly spoke into the microphone. ‘So, any questions?’ I asked.  Immediately, hands were raised.

‘BBBut he kidnapped you?’  A young girl, around the age of 19, got up, stuttering. I nodded my head in sheer understanding.

‘And that is why he is in jail,’  I explained, politely addressing the crowd. ‘I am not saying that to tolerate the pain, accept one’s wrong ways, because that’s toxic, wrong and completely foolish.  All I want is for you to care with an open heart.  Help the ones you know will heed to your words, will allow being pushed towards the right path… the white path. And just don’t give up on those who truly deserve a chance. ‘I finished, causing many to clap.

‘So when did you get marred?’ Another girl asked, making me smile with fondness.  That memory was so crazy yet so nice.

Just a few weeks ago, Papa, Mama, Zian, Sashan, Ouma and Jean had finally decided to pay Carmen a visit at the local prison.  Given the intensity of his crimes and his mental condition, he was asked to return back all what he had taken, pay extra for the damages he had caused to the city’s infrastructure, the time and resources he made the police waste, and then ordered to join classes that were going to help him with his mental problems.  Since he had been a victim of sheer mental abuse, the police were going to make him stay in a special facility and deal with his demons, his freedom was dependent on that.

The court had actually announced that once Carmen was fully cured, he could roam around free and actually get a monthly  allowance for starting a new chapter of his life.  I had shed so many tears at that.

It was such a bittersweet moment.

Thus, after five months of thorough treatment, my father had got a call from the prisoner’s facility explaining that Carmen was almost cured.  His remarkable brain had made it so easy for him to stay strong and fight past his demons that this was the first time doctors were seeing such a messed up person heal this quickly. In fact, they claimed that I was one of the main motivations behind his thrive to get better.  He wanted to be the best for me.  I felt so awed.

Upon hearing this news, Papa had immediately called for preparations; the family was gathered and arrangements were made.  We drove to the prison in two cars and stepped out looking completely out of place.  Carmen was allowed one-hour-long visiting time.  He wasn’t expecting us to come and visit him, expecting me to truly keep my promise, but I did.

We all were given two white rooms with blue blenches lining the walls, and a chair and desk placed in the middle.  The girls had to stay in one room while the boys stayed in the other. I just could imagine what Carmen’s expressions might have been, he had told me that he literally teared up, fallen into a deep fit of laughter, but I didn’t believe him.  I knew that he wasn’t the same messed up soul, anymore.

Anyhow, after that quick and small marriage ceremony, Papa drove us back home.  Carmen was beaming behind a glass window as we left.  It was strange that it was only now that I was seeing his face, but look had never mattered to me.  It was always about the goodness that lived in one’s heart.

Smiling as the tender memory of Carmen, recalling how Sashan had literally shoved half a chocolate bar into his mouth, I now returned back to the audience, knowing my answer would be full of emotions.

‘A few weeks ago..’

Soon, the event ended and I was finally allowed to climb down the stage.  My earphone was still hanging form my ear, and I felt like I could completely focus on the call now.

‘So’, I spoke, fidgeting with the wire.  ‘How was my speech?’

‘Beautiful. If anyone say otherwise, just tell me and I will deal with them.’  That made me chuckle.

‘Are you feeling better?’ I changed the topic.

‘Blessed. In fact, I have news.’

‘What?’ I frowned, growing worried.

‘I am getting out tomorrow.’