The Outcast 21

Sniffing and aching for a single gulp of fresh air, I now jolted as someone roughly shook my elbow, making me look up.

‘Sarah, you need to come with me.’ it was Jean.  She had a rather sympathetic and reserved look in her eyes.  My tears seemed to crack a bit of the coldness which had seeped into her aura.

‘Jean,’ my voice cracked.

‘Come on,’ Pulling me up by my shoulders, she grabbed my right hand and began leading me out of the room.  I was rubbing my eyes, controlling tremors, as she led me down the cold staircase and towards the gardens outside.

‘You were right, Jean,’ I couldn’t help but confess, hiccupping.’ Carmen was lying all this time, and I fell for it.  I fell right in his trap, and he doesn’t even care about it.  He wants Aisha like everyone else….’

‘I know,’ she spoke, pulling me towards a white van parked right in the middle of the huge mansion grounds and pushing me against its passenger door, ‘Get in!!’

‘Where are we going?’ I stuttered, hesitantly opening the door and sitting inside the van.

Completely ignoring me, she rounded the van and move to sit in the driving seat.  Settling down on it, she then closed the door on her side and gave me a look which immediately gave me the answer.

‘oh’, I lowered my gaze, feeling a deep sense of sorrow seeping into my veins. So, this was really happening. Carmen was really getting rid of me.  I couldn’t believe it.  He … He was really being this cruel.

Not being able to control my emotions, I soon fell into another fit of hysteria, not being able to control the huge tears that flowed down my cheeks and the sobs that escaped straight form my heart.  This new wave had left me completely vulnerable and messed up.

Jean seemed to be completely ignoring my emotions as she began speeding this "STALLION" down the lush gardens while chasing after the cold wind.  The morning air seemed extra chilled against my tears, but I didn’t have the strength to roll up the lowered windows.  The reflection of the morning sun on my tears was annoying my soul.

Hiccupping, sobbing and anxiously fidgeting with my fingers, I winced as the lush gardens soon got replaced by brown fields, the same old maize fields which had first led me to the mansion building.  Picking up the familiarity made my soul further crush under the weight of agony.  My heart, I would never open it up for anyone else again.  I would never let myself feel like this again.  I would never care again, and with all these vows came another wave of tears.

My fantasy … my dreams…they had been so badly been manipulated, so ruthlessly been crushed by someone who was a beast from the very start.  How could anyone play with another being like that, and why did I let myself become the victim.  It was all my fault.

Feeling my soul constantly hurting and depression hit me with full force because mental illness can do that, good times can make them temporary turn invisible, but they are always there to fill the void and remind one how they are just lurking in corners, I had returned back to all what I was running from.

Soon, after a few hours of driving, we stopped in front of the same old house where I had spent so many days in isolation, allowing silences to push me towards madness.  No, Carmen, couldn’t dump me here, Not again, I refuse to go back to my demons. I wouldn’t, I couldn’t.

Sensing my soul going through a panic attack.  Jean quickly grabbed my shoulders and began yelling out loud, shaking my heart with fervour intensity. ‘Snap out of it, Sarah. I warned you this would happen.  Carmen is just too messed up. I warned you not to get tangled up in this world, but you didn’t listen. And now it is crushing me to see you in much pain, hurting my soul.  I have started seeing you as my little sister, and I don’t ever want to see you so shattered.  Look.’  she rubbed her temples in frustration, ‘I, understand what you are going through is completely heartbreaking, crushing, but this is not the end.  You will survive, you will live and forget about this nightmare…’

‘BBBBut..’

‘All worlds were always different, Sarah..’  she moved away, letting out a bitter chuckle. ‘It’s best if they never collide again..’

‘But, how will I ever be able to get over this?’ I whimpered, wiping my cheeks while sounding like a small, lost child.  I felt that way.

‘I don’t know…’ she sighed.  She was also deeply hurting, I could sense that.  Carmen’s betrayal meant that I would never get to meet Jean and Ouma, again, and I had deeply grown fond of them.  They had been like a family to me.  How was I going to forget them?

‘Listen’, she then spoke, after allowing momentary silence to settle down between us. ‘I have something for you…’ Pulling out a ring and necklace box from the dashboard, she pushed it towards the palm of my hands.

‘What’s this?’

‘Something to never let you forget us.  Just because Carmen turned out to be a regretful choice, doesn’t mean you should forget about us.  Just make sure to wear this ring and necklace at all costs. If you ever take it off for more than an hour, then I will personally come to glue them around your neck and finger. Now, get out…’

‘What??’

‘Go!’

Stumbling out of the VAN in sheer confusion, with the necklace and ring box held firmly between my hands, I watched as Jean began speeding away from me, leaving a wave of dust behind.  And at that exact moment, the sound of police sirens began echoing in the air.

THE POLICE HAD FOUND ME.

‘Jean has given her the ring and necklace, boss.  The police are probably taking her home now.’

‘Good,’ and with that, Carmen cut the call, sombrely staring at the darkened sky while folding his arms behind his back.

These were his extreme emotions. To take care of air, one of his reasons to fight back, he was allowing his own ruination because how can one breathe when his soul is snatched away? But, that is how deep his emotions had always been.  He was an extremist, the one to ruin himself for others, and usually, he expected the same from others but not from her. Never her.  This time, things had changed, he didn’t want the darkness of his world ruining her fantasy because it already had, and he didn’t like that one bit, in fact, it crushed him, made him destroy.

She hadn’t accepted him anyway, so it was good to close this chapter now, before the messed up demons of his world finally caught up with her. He was insane, she wasn’t.

“Open the door now, it’s getting too hot in here.!!’, he ordered one of his female guards. Carmen was dressed in his white hazmat suit, ready to go and dismember one of the ‘Creatures’ he had in one of the cages.

And with that went his laughter roaring across the thick air, he was guffawing with thick tears pouring down his face. Completely insane.  Trying to straighten his glued mask on his tired face.





THERE IS POETIC MISERY HIDDEN INSIDE ROSY DESPAIR----

With a thick blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I could feel a numbing sensation of pain twirl in my soul and lost tears brim my eyes as everyone just sat around me discussing the deep scars of my souls…believing that they knew my pain. No one did. They all thought that I had been saved…that my wounds would heal.  TOO LATE. RIPT…

Trying to drink in my tears by taking a long sip of tea from a red mug tightly engulfed by my hands, I closed my eyes and slowly breathed in my emotions; they were lurking just behind my aching numbness. After being rescued by the police and reunited with my family, I felt like I was being forced to face reality, pulled into chaotic mayhem where my emotions just couldn’t seem to pick themselves up.  I was in shock, in deep denial, my defence against having my fantasy completely shattered and throttled by the most cunning hands.

Having settled so enviously in such a longed and beautiful fantasy, I could visibly feel my heart tangle at the shattering sound of reality sinking in.  Everything just didn’t make any sense, anymore.  The pieces of my soul…they were lost in an abyss, aching for some a single breath of fresh air.  I felt completely lost.

The world no longer seemed relatable. I was expected to stay above the cold surface, forget the past.  I couldn’t.  This was my first fall from a beautiful illusion, something which I had chased after for so long.

Carmen, just thinking of this name sent an aching sensation to my soul and made me repel away from thinking, he had truly done a number, and the worst part was that I could only associate wonderful memories with his betrayal; his rescuing, his treating me like a queen, his family treated me as their own.  Why did that have to be lie? Why did he have to toy, fake such real emotions and treat me as a ploy? And why on earth did he choose her; the girl who provoked all my insecurities and was just the better….CHOICE? My heart couldn’t help but twist at the thought that of her going to live my fantasy now, be the whole world for Carmen. I felt so hurt.

I wasn’t strong, never had been, but this was one of the most weakening moments of my life.  I was completely defeated.  Even Bradley’s rejection hadn’t hurt this much.  I was on a whole different level of pain now.  My heart felt completely void of emotions.

Snuggling against the thick blanket as emotions continued to tease my numb nerves and send one sharp sensation of agony across my soul, I decided to just lean back against the couch and rest.  There was just too much I had to forget, too much I had to get over.  Jean, Ouma in my lowest moments, they had been like family.  They had accepted me, loved me, and even worried for me.  I could never forget them.  No matter what Carmen did, Jean and Ouma had been there when I was feeling the lowest.

All the bullying, teasing and my family pretending that I was okay with being rejected had really made me feel so lonely.  It always did.  The day my family had decided to stay friendly with Mr and Mrs Nishaan was the day I was truly crushed, and I only got to realize these emotions after living in a bubble and then returning back home.  There wasn’t truly anyone who understood.  I knew that my parents adored me, treated me as their parents, but while keeping me on a pedestal, they just couldn’t accept my fall.  It felt better to deny than accepting that I was in pain.

The coos around me sounded like a blur, and the exaggerated concerns of my relatives really put a damper on my mood.  I  couldn’t comprehend why I felt like everyone was faking their emotions.  There wasn’t any raw intensity, which I had observed in my dream world. The broken part of the Mafia world made me hate society  and look for a whole different reality.  Every intention seemed suspicious, now.

With my mama and twin brother, Sashan, sitting right beside me.  I couldn’t feel a sudden wave of hysteric tears choke my heart as they randomly patted my heart and cooed their fondness.  My family had been so worried, while choosing to escape, I had forgotten what my prolonged kidnapping was doing to  my family and felt ashamed.  I was willing to accept a harsh fist over a warm engulf.  The thought made me feel so tiny and hurt.  I had been so naïve, so foolish, yet I knew that if given the chance, my heart would make the same mistake again and that was what made my pain feel more excruciating.

Soon, with the constant visiting of my relatives, I could slowly feel myself losing my cool.  The living room of Sashan’s house was large enough to hold fifty people at once, so there was a large number of my relatives who chose to sit around my couch and console my parents.  Often, they were lashing out on Carmen, calling him a disgusting psycho, and congratulating my parents for having me saved just at the right time.  I couldn’t help but feel like defending Carmen, which was such a contradicting feeling itself.  I shouldn’t feel loyal towards a psycho, but I did. And I just didn’t know how to deal with that frustrating emotion.  How could my heart still not let go of those emotions? How could it just not feel provoked by memories?

Mr and Mrs Nishaan showed up at our place, too. Apparently, Bradley was still in jail, and I found myself feeling a bit low at that thought.  I guess I felt depressed by seeing a golden boy fall this steeply because of his own father.  It was a tragedy at its best.  Poor Bradley.

The winds were changing, the air had returned back to normalcy, and I was back home with my family, back under the same roof.  Everything seemed to be returning back to the way it used to be before Carmen.

Only one day had passed since I had been rescued, and I knew that it would take some time for my emotions to return back which was something  I was terribly scared of.  I feared the intense struck of emotions that would leave me completely shattered and never allow my heart to open up for someone else again.  I was loyal and devoted that way, and I never forgot, never erased, only kept clinging.

Soon, as the night sky began twinkling in the sky and all the guests left, Mama softly patted my shoulders.

‘Dear, I think you should go to bed, now.  You seem so tired and need to go to sleep. Go. I will bring a warm cup of milk for you.’

‘Okay, Mama,’ I sounded too foreign to my own ears.

Getting up, I weakly smiled, as Sashan playfully ruffled my hair, and headed straight towards my room.  I felt bad that Sashan’s wife ‘Ilham’ had to go and stay at her parents in order to make some space for my parents to stay in this place, but it was by her own choice.  She was incredibly sweet and wanted to give me some bonding time with my family.  I felt too numb to thank her.

Sitting on my bed while peering absently at the gleaming sky from my window.  I didn’t even turn around as Mama stepped into the room carrying a glass of milk on a tray.

‘How are you feeling?’ She softly smiled, as she sat down on the chair placed next to me.

‘Fine,’ I desperately tried to pick up my mood, but I wasn’t feeling anything.

‘Hmmm, drink this in three sips, It will make sleep seem easier,’ and with that, she pushed the glass towards my face, making me slowly drink it.

Momentarily silence settled between us.

Soon, after having me drink the warm milk, she took the glass away from me and placed it on the side table, along with the tray.

‘So’, she grabbed my hands, gently rubbing my knuckles. ‘I have been thinking, I believe it’s best if you move in back at out family house.  After this whole episode, your father and I just can’t have you living so far away from us.  We want you back home.  Think you will be okay with that?’

‘What about my college?’ I frowned, not even sure if my college would still accept me back, now.  Returning back to normal problems was doing something to my soul. No more extraordinary,,, only ordinary from now onwards.

‘They have registered you as an online student,’

‘Oh’,

‘Listen,’ she then cooed, moving to sit next to me. ‘I know what you have been through has been extremely traumatizing, and I promise your father and I will make that criminal gets to pay.  You don’t need to worry.  Once we get our hands on that psycho, he will repent for all what he has done to our precious daughter.  For now, just forget about all of that. It’s in the past, now.  In fact, we will even call Detective Jolene the first thing in the morning and have her give us an update on this matter, okay?’

‘Okay,’

‘Good, now go to sleep,’ and with that, she patted my head and left.

The loneliness of this room, the silence engulfing me, soon had me crying so many shattered tears.  I had no specific reason for crying, no single emotion to wail over, yet the struck of hysteria was strong.  So many broken promises, so many shattering of dreams and hopes, such a deep loss of a fantasy Carmen.  The hurt had been so strong, the betrayal had been so jolting I couldn’t accept how terribly I had grown attached. So foolish and naïve, and simply not his word because of Aisha.

However, whichever emotions truly were now pulling me out of my numbness, the only thought that was pushing me further into a state of intense was that I had been so happy lately, and now I wasn’t.

I was just the way I used to be before Carmen.

SHE HAD TO MOVE ON. IT WAS THE ONLY WAY----

I was twisting and turning, watching as the days started to pass in a blur.  He was part of my past now.  Jean, Ouma, they were just some bittersweet memory, and I felt aching with the harsh return of loneliness and depression, the shock had fully faded away into deep agony.

After moving back to my parent’s house, I had been left with ample time to ponder over my scars, my loss.  I couldn’t actually comprehend what exactly had left my soul so empty, so weightless and lonely.  Was it been betrayed by someone who was turning to be so close to my hero, or was being taken away from a beautiful fantasy? I wasn’t sure. After all, I had never felt the void being this cold and emotionless.

Time was a patient healer, and slowly it was making me ponder over so many realities that I had ignored in my desperate attempt to be accepted.  Carmen , I had never seen his face, never fully communicated and now wasn’t sure if I had grown attached to what I had imagined him to be or whom he really was? I had been so obsessed with how I was in his world, that  I never really thought about, was he really in my world? The feelings were so contradictory, Placing me under duress!!!

Carmen roared to his henchmen, “No one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the KINGDOM. Once you put your hands on the plough and started ploughing, you should not look back. The brown, bare fields awaits you. Get started. If you come across any foxes or rocks or birds, clear them all out.  Our maize lands needs to flourish.We need a great harvest."

LUKE 9 VERSE 57-62.….