The Outcast 16

I CHOSE TO HOLD THE THORNS. My days suddenly seemed brighter, an unknown smile started to accompany my silence and the moon got a whole new meaning. I was no longer that, desperately wanting to go home, that eager to reach out for my freedom. Slowly, I could see myself adjusting.. Carmen didn’t show up at the mansion after that whole act of heroism, and somehow, I wanted him to. It didn’t make sense. My kidnapper, oppressor, he didn’t seem that repulsive anymore. I could almost feel myself relaxing and not fear being tortured. I had the terrible habit of forgetting. Also, I actually felt wanted and taken care of now. Even when engaged to Bradley, I felt the element of chasing. Yet here, I was not, I was being chased. I always had this habit of co-depending on others whenever I would be facing some great emotional stress, and somehow, upon seeing that there was someone whom I could rely on, I felt like attaching myself to the feeling. My family, they were better off without me. Waking up early in the morning, because sleep had kind of deserted me, I was busy cooking some pancakes in the mansion’s luxurious kitchen, softly humming a song while talking with an amused ’Jean’, who was leaning against the kitchen island, when a sudden knock on the kitchen’s open - door jolted my entire stance. I refused to turn around in the fear of burning my pancakes. ‘So, I am going to be served breakfast, too?’ It was Carmen, and suddenly, the weirdest and the most absurd, insane thing happened, my hands began shaking, anxiety flowed through my veins and I felt so, self-conscious and awkward (if that makes sense). In fact, I even felt like I had just lost my voice. So crazy. ‘Course,’ I nodded, slightly turning to my right and placing the pancakes on a white China-plate. What the hell was that? ‘Hmm, I feel special,’ Carmen mused, while I could feel Jean’s burning gaze curiously stare at me. She was probably wondering why the hell was I acting like an awkward - stuttering mess? Timidly walking towards the kitchen island, I nervously placed my plate on it, not even glancing in the direction of the door’s threshold against which Carmen casually was leaning. ‘Just these many?’ He teased, making me immediately turn into a rambling mess. ‘I can make some more.’ What on earth was I doing? My nerves, they were messing me up. There was a pause, immediately followed by a low and rather knowing chuckle from Carmen. ‘I was joking,’ he laughed, a smirk escaping into his tone. ‘Although I would never miss out the chance of you making more pancakes for me, I have to go deal with my pets now.’ He stood up straight, having his words make me blush. ‘Those snakes, I need to see if they can be trained or should be put away. In the meantime, why don’t you girls check out these tickets I brought for all of us; a trip to Dubai. Tell me what do you think?’ Throwing the tickets in a manner that they fell straightly in the middle of the kitchen island, he then left. He was care freely humming now, seeming in a great mood. I rolled my eyes. So arrogant. ‘So,’ Jean gave me a weird look. ‘I can make more?’ she mimicked, making me scowl. ‘I was being kind like you told me,’ I shrugged, taking a bite out of my pancakes. She smirked in a knowing manner. ‘Hmmm, just like I told you. Good girl..’ ‘Whatever,’ I rolled my eyes, ‘So, what are these tickets all about?’ I picked up the tickets, eyeing them with curiosity. A trip to Dubai? What the blazes? It sounded like a vacation, but was I really willing to forget everything and just go with the flow? I was a prisoner here, Carmen wasn’t willing to let me go. But back at home, I had never felt this, BETTER. There was always a sense of pity and sympathy because I had been rejected, the pressure of meeting everyone’s expectations. I was thoroughly adored, yet I constantly worried about everyone. Here, I didn’t. Were the days of isolation finally messing with my head? I had no clues. But I had never been to Dubai. ‘Well, Carmen is more of a traditional crazy - brain,’ she moved closer, snapping me out of my reverie and taking a bite of my pancakes. He loves having an annual family trip, and you are part of the family now, so are you willing to go? It will be you, Ouma and me.’ I fidgeted with my fingers, not knowing how to respond, a trip, such a normal thing to do. Could I actually let everything be normal while I had been wronged at so many levels? But it was heart, It was adjusting, open to the idea of doing what I had always wanted to do; explore the world. But home, freedom, escaping. Somehow, I was warming up to the idea of this place becoming my convenient hideout from the world. How absurd. There was a low tinge in the air, a palpable beating of colours. One moment, a single moment had made me prisoner, seemed better. Could I actually stay and not rebel? I wasn’t needed back home anyway. My folks could do much better without me. I just wanted to stay attached to this intense feeling of euphoria, glee. My depression had deprived me of that feeling for a long time. And now, I just felt like erasing the fog and floating above water. I felt independent. Thus, smiling at Jean, I grabbed the tickets from her and gave her a warm smile, ‘When are we leaving?’ ‘See, I knew we would manage to break you.’ She muttered that as a joke, but I could sense a tinge of sadness and disappointment in that statement. Did she want me to say no? Did she want me to keep on rebelling? I mean., she, Ugh. I just wasn’t sure about anything anymore. I was simply adapting. Humans adapt, I was simply going with the flow. Sitting inside Carmen’s plane, I had Jean sit next to me while Carmen chose to sit in the pilot’s cabin and Ouma was sleeping on the seat in front of me, our reunion had been bittersweet, a lot of hugs were involved. I still didn’t quite understand the role of Ouma in this family. Was she their grandmother, nanny …what? Ouma means grandmother in some foreign language, right? I wasn’t sure exactly what that term meant? Was it an endearment, name, what? Watching as ‘Ouma’ slept on the seat before me, I subtly nudged Jean who was busy reading an article. ‘Do you know the police has now printed out flyers with you mentioned as missing for days?’ She mused, making me snatch the newspaper from her. SARAH PIOUS MISSING SINCE 28TH FEBRUARY. SHE IS A YOUNG GIRL OF COLOURED HERITAGE. ‘OUR NEXT ISSUE WILL FEATURE SPECIAL INTERVIEWS WE TOOK FROM HER FAMILY, PARENTS AND THE POLICE FORCE. STAY FOCUSED FOR THE IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE STORY.’ My mood dropped so sharply. Interviews, missing. My parents deserved to know that I was safe. Maybe, I could ask Carmen to let me call, that, one of my terms of accepting. I had a feeling he wouldn’t reject my demands. Grumpily pushing the newspaper back into Jean’s hands, I folded my hands and leaned against my seat, closing my eyes in a desperate attempt to block out the world. I wasn’t in the mood of dealing with stress, and subtle guilt; I was thinking less about fighting for freedom. Sensing my depressed mood, Jean playfully punched my shoulder and pushed a thick magazine straight into my face. I dug the back of my head deeper into the head rest of my seat, trying to get away from the woodsy smelling, polishing material. ‘What now’ ‘Read this. It’s a food and travel magazine, and just one of my favourites,’ she smiled, making me grab it from her hands and push it away from my face. Looking through the pages, I agreed that the magazine looked major fancy, yet there was something strange about it. Each one of its lines was underlined and weird remarks scribbled above them, a picture of Dubai had different arrows drawn on it. Venice had its water - routes analyzed and predictions of where they were leading given, Egypt had its desert randomly marked with random calculations surrounding it, also, pictures of food had their toxic compounds explained thoroughly. I turned to give Jean a weird look. ‘You did this?” I pointed towards all the weird scribbling. She immediately turned nervous, scratching the nape of her neck while shifting her gaze away from me, ‘Ummm, Carmen did this,’ she spoke in an awkward manner. ‘He is a thorough analyzer and his brain just makes him aggressively jot down notes… make important calculation all the time. Also, his compulsive disorder makes him kind of underline everything just to make sure that everything is in a straight line..’ I felt so weirded out by that. ’So what do these scribbling means?’ I asked, curiously gazing at the remark. She seemed like she didn’t want to tell me, yet had to. ‘Umm,’ she bit her thumbnail in anxiety. ’Those are just his calculations of which place and food he can use for conducting perfect crimes, he has been doing that for years.’ Immediately my heart dropped while my soul, somehow, felt pained, ’Oh,’ I looked away from her in awkwardness. The haze clouding my head these days seemed to momentarily vanish. Yet I knew once Carmen reappeared, it would form again.. ‘I never told you he was good,’ she spoke softly from beside me. ’I just said that he could be saved.’ ‘Hmmm,’ I simply closed my eyes, placing the magazine on the armrest. ’Saved..’ I had to fight other’s battles as well, now. ‘SOMETIMES, WE CHOOSE TO IGNORE THE THORNS AND JUST BREATHE..’ Unpredictable. Life just seemed so unpredictable, sometimes. I remember dreaming about travelling abroad when I was young. There were so many countries I had wanted to meet, explore with a completely different perspective. And right here, with a family that, at first, had brought me nothing but pain, I was abruptly living in a fantasy. ABSURD. Stepping inside an extremely luxurious seven - star - hotel, with Carmen leading the way, I was awe-struck. The place was like a piece of gold; it had a huge, red - carpeted reception hallway leading straight up to an open lobby area with numerous ground-floor restaurants surrounding in the middle of the lobby you could see several glass - lifts moving up and stopping at different floors. Also, the floor-rooms and their balconies could be seen from the ground floor and there were several fancy shops on different floors. This place was dreamy. Carmen seemed to be a rather important and special guest, here. There were managers immediately hovering around him, soda bottles quickly brought on trays, and some lady managers rushing to walk beside me. I had never felt so special, and powerful. Was being associated with Carmen this special? I could see the other guests of this hotel, eyeing Carmen with respected fear while the women staring at me, Jean and Ouma with envy. They wanted what we had; power and importance. Timidly trailing behind Ouma’s wheel chair, I was feeling so surreal and super crazy. My heart raced further as one woman- manager handed me a special card, saying that Sir Carmen had ordered for it to be given to me so that I could buy whatever I wanted from the shops without having to pay. I wasn’t a materialistic person; I hated shopping with all of my might; and money had always been a problem for me, yet this offer seemed so special and overwhelming. To be able to buy whatever I want, to not see money as a rare asset. Was that how billionaires felt? Was this how rich life felt? I had seen Bradley do something similar for Aisha, but it was never this extravagant. Feeling dazzled, I felt like I should, kind of, soften my rude stance towards Carmen, now. He really was trying. Granted, he had taken me from my old life, but he was making me adore my new life, so I should return the favour. Smiling as everyone continued to make me feel like royalty, I politely refused the card offer and allowed the staff to lead me to a room situated on the fourth floor. I was given a luxury suite to stay in while Carmen, Ouma, and Jean were given one suite each on the fifth floor. It was beautiful. My suite’s fridge was stuffed with yummy treats and fragmented candles. Taking an exciting tour of my suite, I found myself loving its rich red furniture, carpeted display of royalty and the views from its living room window; brighter stars twinkling in the sky and a crystal clear beach. I wanted them to experience this, too, and I knew that once Carmen had adapted to be more reasonable. I would get my family to come and visit this place, too. That was my dreams; make my family feel so special and happy. They had really suffered because of me. Settling down in my room, I frowned as someone knocked on its door. Must be the staff. ‘Yes?’ I opened my door wide. ‘So, Carmen has been asking do you like this place?’ Jean spoke, leaning against my door’s threshold. I nodded with a grin, ’Yep, this place is amazing’ My eyes gleamed to show how impressed I was. ‘Hmmm. Well, I have got another thing to show you.’ She grabbed me by my arm and began dragging me towards the lift. This place had like 10 floors. She pushed me inside the lift, pressed the 10th floor’s button, and smugly waved from outside as the lift doors slowly closed, making me give her a panicked look. What on earth. My heart was racing as the lift moved upwards. What was going on? What the hell? My nerves had started gnawing on my soul. Chewing on my thumbnail while rocketing on my feet soles, I gulped as the lift door open and saw a dull, yellow - lit floor with candles placed on its wooden ground. The roof was all glass, with amazing stars above in a twinkling manner. There were small sofas and floor-tables sporadic all over the floor, and a one big lit candle smoking out the phase: Gifts for you. What? Stepping out of the lift in a completely mesmerized manner, I could see no-one around and different coloured - BOXES placed on each one of the loyal blue and leathered floor - tables. Slowing walking up to them, while inhaling on the smell of the fruity fragrance of candles lingering in the air. I curiously picked up the first box and tilted my head. The box was small and had a card posted on it. ‘DEMONS WILL CHASE AFTER LIGHT.’ Confused, I opened the box and saw a white globe filled with black crystals placed inside it. It was oddly so beautiful. And beneath the globe was a book, my favourite book. How on earth…. Soon, some depressing meaningful and deep quotes began echoing in the air on a speaker. ‘WE ALL ARE LOST SOULS SEARCHING FOR A SINGLE RAY TO BRIGHTEN OUR DAYS.’ Walking up to the other boxes, with deep quotes echoing in the background, I felt myself caught in a stance as I eyed the gifts. No one had ever done anything like this for me. All my life, I had been rejected, bullied and treated as an outcast. Yet here, I was being treated as someone so special. ‘NOT MANY FIND THAT RAY OF LIGHT,’ I felt so conflicted and awed. ‘THE INNER-DEMONS CRY IS HARDLY EVER LISTENED TOO ,’

Was it possible to listen? ‘WE TEND TO GET LOST IN THE WAVES,’ ‘BUT THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE WAVE THAT FREES US,’ ‘THAT TENDS TO TAKE US BACK TO THE SHORE AND WIPE OUR TEARS,’ ‘I AM LOST IN THOSE WAVES,’ ‘YET, I KNOW WHICH ONE WILL TAKE ME BACK HOME,’ This was beautiful. I was nearly tearing up as I reached the last box and opened it with shaky hands. Inside the box were placed a couple of open books with a few words underlined. Picking up those books, I read the underlined worked and suppressed a highly conflicted and pained sob. ‘SAY YES.’ Carmen was a psychopath, a mess, someone so overwhelmed by his inner-demons, yet this was the sweetest gesture ever. My heart felt like crying with the pain of feeling so many conflicted emotions. Why had my soul melted? Why was I feeling such surreal emotions in a place that was supposed to be my prison? Suddenly, I jolted as the lift doors opened and Jean came barging in with a panicked look on her face. ‘Sarah,’ she rushed towards me. ’It’s Carmen.’ ‘What happened?’ My nerves started tingling again. ‘Ouma. Carmen was trying to tell her that you are not Sofie, that you are way better, and then she told him about what happened to Sofie, what really happened, and now he is gone.’ ‘Gone?’ I spoke feeling completely baffled and panicked. ’Gone where?’ ‘To one of his underground Mafia lairs situated here. This is what he does when he is furious, Sarah. He destroys when he is hurt.’ My heart ached. The beast was back at it, AGAIN…

‘SOMETIMES, WE HAVE TO LET GO BECAUSE WE CARE TOO MUCH--’ The night sky was a bittersweet treat among all of the tension; the air was cool and the streets were lively, yet I couldn’t enjoy this sensation. Having Jean drive me down some strange roads of Dubai had me frantically holding in the air, worry felt for what Carmen was possibly going to do. I chose not to escape. Peering outside the window on my side, I gave Jean a brief glance and then sighed. ‘So what exactly are we going to do?’ ‘WE PLANT SEEDS THAT WILL FLOWER AS RESULTS IN OUR LIVES SO BEST TO REMOVE THE WEEDS OF ANGER, AVARICE. ENVY AND DOUBT. THAT PEACE AND ABUNDANCE MAY MANIFEST FOR ALL.’