The Outcast 11

Curling his fists in fury and pain, Carmen bent down on his knees and let out a loud, painful roar… his heart was doing it again; feeling, bad things happened when he gave in to his emotions, they were happening again. Out in the middle of the open ‘maize’ fields, he felt like hitting something, cherishing the darkness fuming in his heart. Scarring, he needed to be scarred, feel the pain of just existing. He wasn’t going to take a ‘NO’, he never took no as an answer. Why didn’t she want him? NO,NO she did want him, but why couldn’t she be as obsessed as him? Was it still that rich prick “Bradley’? Carmen had made sure that the smirking frat-boy got thrown in jail, so why was that ‘Good for Nothing’ brat still creating havoc for him? Ugh!!! Pounding one strong fist against the warm sand of the field, he growled as a few chameleons fearfully shuffled between the thick burnt-grass, which was fully surrounding him, and turned completely mute. The night sky was glimmering with lights above, yet there was a rather dark and lonely part of his heart which was deep down hurting so bad. Never in his life had Carmen felt sooo alone. He had always cherished isolation, enjoyed the black - mask glued against his face, (primarily by his step dad who despised how his stepson so quickly became the centre of attention) yet, now, he felt like tearing it off his face, he didn’t want to stay hidden and alone, he wanted to just sink into his emotions and live, embrace his emotions and breath. Wincing as the stars continued to twinkle above his head, he suddenly felt like all strength had been drained out of his soul and soon he was lying in the middle of the maize field, fully blown - out crying while ignoring the pricking of rocks against his back. There were so many emotions he couldn’t deal with. His head, his head was badly hurting; everything was just so loud. Bradley, Carmen had watched his girl choose him, his new-obsession get hurt because of him because there is always this rich, sophisticated, dude preferred by girls, yet Carmen just couldn’t get that man to go away; everyone just preferred completely fixed ones. Small black insects had now started crawling up his arms and curious KOMODO - DRAGONS were peering from behinds the wild grass, he was actually enjoying their company. Too tired of always chasing, for the first time in his life, he wanted to be chased, to be wanted. All his life, he had been feared for resembling a powerful giant, hated for his scarred skin, and admonished for being too crass and rough, yet he wanted all that to go away now. Yes, he was huge, too crude and obsessive, but why was that wrong? Why was being too invested in feelings so wrong? Suffocating on his tears, he also felt like his emotions were turning too raw with the coming days - credit goes to his obsession - and just didn’t know how to deal with the change. How does one react to a humanly crisis? How does one bond with them? Destroy, care, and take, that is all he ever knew. How then, was he supposed to control his emotions and not feel. But then, again who had asked him to not feel? Take and Destroy, that was his motto, that was what he was going to follow in his case, too. He was fully capable of caring and obsessing on behalf of him and his destiny, his light. Sarah was going to accept, whether she likes it or not. The full shining moon seemed to be in agreement with that. Sarah Sitting in the kitchen, with the full moon shining directly at me from its window, I rocked the kitchen- stool while biting on my fingernails. All the pain, the depression, the craziness, it was insane. Bradley was now in jail? Jean knew me from before? How had I been oblivious to it all? The fact that my heart pained for my ex-fiancé wasn’t a major shocker because Bradley, he was a good man. No matter what, he had always been a gentleman. I just couldn’t deny that. Aisha had been lucky. The fact that piqued me a lot was why did he have to pay for his father’s sins. Was Uncle Nishaan in jail, too? If so, what about the wedding? How was Aisha reacting to all of this? I was seriously missing my home. I knew that my siblings would be enough to console my parents while I stayed kidnapped. After their marriages, I had grown a bit distant from them because they all had new-added priorities and I never wanted them to feel like they needed to divide their time. I was content in them settling down in their own lives. In fact, even when staying with my twin brother ‘Sashan’, our interactions had lessened, and now I believe that my siblings would be able to maintain their nerves while consoling my parents. It’s how time and feelings work, less communication means less pain. However, sitting all alone in the kitchen, I realized that, somehow, the walls I had built around my heart didn’t need to be that strong. Running away from pain and bullying had ultimately made me shun so many people out of my lives, and now I just felt so alone. Who was to truly miss me without feeling obliged to do so? Even Carmen’s obsession had been just a side-effect of some mental disorder. He loved no-one and was playing this sadistic game to quell his own insanity. I just happened to be one of his triggers. Marriage? He couldn’t force me to marry him. I would run away, escape … do anything but even allow myself to take orders from that scary brute, malicious monster. He couldn’t make me another tally mark. I wouldn’t be crossed out from an on-going list of obsessions. First the girl he liked before me, then Sofie, No, he wouldn’t leave the opportunity to add a new tally mark. Anxiously getting up and pacing across the kitchen floor, my mind wheel had started working in full time. I was done with rejections, ill-treatment and made feeling so low. High school, college, Bradley, and then Jean claiming that I was too observing in my own pain to look at my surrounding. Well, no more, I was done playing the easy punching bag, too many of other’s sins conveniently shoved on my shoulders. I wasn’t wrong in caring for Bradley. I wasn’t wrong in getting scarred by his rejection, and I was not wrong in rebuking a full-age rampage to torture me. Old memories aside, I was going to start making new memories now. The clouds supported my claim by covering the full moon, hiding me from its glaring accusation, no more. I wasn’t going to be treated like a fool by anyone, no more. Carmen and guilt, I needed to stay away from them. Stomping out of the kitchen in a mood that felt like destroying, I saw the old lady now wheel-chairing her way towards the living room. She met my gaze and gave me a soft smile. ‘Sofie, he will apologize,’ she spoke over the sudden thunder echoing outside. ‘He always does,’ My heart suddenly felt so tired. ‘What if I don’t want him to…’ I looked away from her, wiping my tears. ‘He still will because that’s just how big his heart is.’ ‘Bigger than yours?’ ‘Bigger than all of ours.’ I was waiting for the tears and torture, yet, over the past few days, all I got was being bombarded by gifts and roses. Carmen didn’t show up again at this tiny prison, Jean didn’t bother either, so I had to embrace the intense feeling of isolation with the old-lady by myself, using limited food resources to feed us throughout the day. My soul felt haunted by what would happen when this house ran out of resources. How long would I have to starve? Those documentary essays about psychos they included a pattern of leaving their victims hungry and abandoned for extremely long spans of time. Depressed by the empty air, I would eye my gifts with such broken disdain, bags, shoes, books and journals, everything I had always cherished such a conflicting gesture. My hope of ever being rescued by the police was long gone, and now I had to witness the slow destruction of my sanity. My mornings were usually filled with receiving gifts from the door-step and running form chameleons that sneakily tried to enter the house, while my nights were filled with nightmares. The old-lady had warmed up to me and would ask me to have morning tea with her. During her momentary consciousness, she would reminisce times of her battling depression and hating her husband because he wasn’t nice to her son. She loved talking about times when she had chosen Sofia for Carmen. Memories stored in her mind kind of presented Carmen in a more mellow way; depicting him as a strong, devoted man who was completely principal and knew how to care with a big heart. I couldn’t help but rebuke such assumptions, often feeling guilty when I assumptions, yet I couldn’t tolerate my oppressor getting praised. Also, my morning bonding - time with the old lady would include her telling tales of chasing her little child across the lush green field, pulling his ears after he mischievously added lots of sugar in her dishes and painted her white dress brown. Such a delusional fantasy, my heart actually went out for this lady. She was probably living some sort of contorted fantasy. Such a tremendous amount of pain caused by Carmen. Now, like the usual, sitting in the kitchen while watching another day’s sky turn completely dark, I leaned against the kitchen island and fidgeted with fingers in complete disdain. Depression had his soo hard. There was a need to pull my hair, scream and badly with to be taken back to my home, to everything I had taken so for granted. I hated this so much. There was hardly any food left in the shabby kitchen and the walls had also stopped talking, they were allowing my thoughts to start ruining my soul. So lost in my mind, I jolted as someone loudly knocked the kitchen window form outside and called out my name; it was Carmen. I immediately held my breath in fear. Was he going to use that window to come inside? I couldn’t see his silhouette, so where was he? ‘I know you are there,’ a low feeling of pain escaped into his voice while his silhouette still remained out of the picture. ‘Just hear me out. I am not coming inside.’ I didn’t respond, clutching on to the kitchen stool tightly. ‘I just wanted to say that I didn’t .. I am ..’ he seemed to be stumbling over his own words. I frowned. What the hell?’ I - I just care about you a lot, and I know yyy-you do it. This place, I promise it will be the start of our happily ever after. You will forget him. I knew you will because, this place, I promise it will be the start of our happily ever after. You will forget him. I knew you will because, this - this all is for you. I know you care, you have to, I care, so why can’t you? Whatever you want, I will do it, I dealt with all those who wronged you, I can do more, just say it, say it, tell me how I can make this right, just tell me how I can be good enough for you?’ He literally roared at the end, making me flinch and quickly get up from my seat, ready to bolt at any time. This guy was just too scary. ‘Ummm, just take me back home,’ I cried out, staying away from the window - sill. ‘You are completely messed up, and if you truly care about me, then you will take me back home…’