The Outcast

Sipping on a warm cup of coffee and reading a ‘Historical' book.I was conveniently hiding in one of my college’s cold classrooms, dreading when the bell for the next class would ring.  It was one of my usual follow-up routines in college, hiding from my daunting bullies, skimming through some intriguing books, and waiting for the day’s monotonous lectures to end.

Being an extreme form of an introvert, suffering from depression and social anxiety, dealing with my peers had always been a challenge for me.  I belonged to no cliques …no groups that actually accepted quiet outcasts.  I was simply that weird kid who purposely sat in the back row to avoid socializing, had grades just dangling above the accepted level, stuttered when randomly called out, and stayed next to the trash bin during recess… and treating me invisible was quite easy for all those who didn’t enjoy exploring their power by punching the weak.

Punches, random kicks, belittling snickers and random throwing of chewing gums…I had suffered through it all…remained strong through it all.  One of my supporting shoulders had been my, now, ex-fiancé ‘Bradley’.  We had been engaged through an arranged process, our parents being closed friends, and we hadn’t even talked due to our traditions.  Yet, there was a sense of support felt on my part.  I felt wanted by the sheer feeling of having a golden boy (known for his excellent grades …gentlemanly behaviour and Rugby's success)  accept me.  BUT, that fantasy ended with that boy, soon, rejecting me for one of the girls who used to belong to the popular clique in my high school.

I felt belittled.  The number of comparisons and self - pitying questions the rejection brought along…it felt crushing.  Often, I would find myself sullenly rub my eyes and sneakily stop my tears from pouring.  There was no point in crying over the disgusting norms of my society…the ways some systems worked.  Rich and powerful always chose the rich and powerful. I had been a fool to think otherwise.  My, often, empty wallets were a reminder that I had to focus on other things in life than looking for a classic fairytale ending.  Only princesses, spoiled by luxury, got to enjoy the perks of acting like damsels and being rescued by prince charming.  I was simply in the way of someone else’s fairytale beginning.

Living with my twin brother and his wife, a few cities away from my parents, I had the aim of scoring a masters degree in economics, getting a highly - paid job, and becoming a popular writer one day.  It was my parent’s dreams.  My father was adamant that I got educated from a highly - recognized college.  He had sent me away to live with my twin brother, so that I could fulfil his dreams, and was even willing to fully fund my education by applying for extra-shifts at his pharmacy - management job.  I had refused to accept that offer.

Believing that it was about time about time that I did something for my lovely and extremely hard - working folks, I had taken it on myself to fund my college fees.  I wanted my lovely folks to enjoy whichever luxury was restricted by money … I wanted our middleclass status to stop teasing us with empty wallets and wistful dreams.

Thus, working two shifts a day at a day-care centre, running errands for an elderly woman and babysitting for my neighbour’s children. I had managed to - somehow - earn my tuition fees …stand on my own two feet, yet there were still so many other expenses that came with studying; buying new books, photocopying notes, printing research articles, paying the emotional cost of dealing with bullies. Often, I would find myself suppressed under the weight of dealing with these expenses …but I had to do this for my family…prove to world that the shy introvert, always ignored and snubbed, had a voice of her own; she could be something if she wanted … it was my salvation.

Tolerating the depression that came with being the class’s outcast and facing an intense form of bullying, I had managed to best friends out of books and was now partially used to the feeling of being suppressed ----Oppressed.