GUILTY 9

BEFORE Winston Waters January 24,2016 I’ve been back at work for two weeks now. It’s almost as if there’s been a shift in the atmosphere. A reverse metamorphosis, where rather than evolving. I’m shrinking, unbecoming the man I once was. I’ve become distant from my work and my patients. I can’t sit still or relax without my mind drowning in thoughts of Danny, how she’s doing at home without me. There’s a heavy guilt that weighs me down - a guilt that does not belong to me. This is not my fault. None of it is. Yet I feel guilty for what happened to her. For leaving her to return to work. How is a man supposed to make a decision like that? Return to work - his life - long passion and what makes him happy - or stay home longer with his sick wife and child. Doctor Kelvin assured me that he would be here as often as he could, and when he couldn’t be here, another doctor would be. Danny would never be unattended with Emerald. Still, I fear that something may happen. That Danny may have another psychotic break and harm herself. Or Worse. It makes me ill worrying about her so much. She doesn’t deserve to go through this. She’s a great wife. And she may not be the best mother right now, but she will be. I know she will. We just have to get through this, In a few years we will look back and this will all be something of the past. She and Emerald will be inseparable, going for walks, painting each other’s nails - all the things that mothers are supposed to do with their daughters. Danny has always been a very headstrong woman, From the moment I met her back in school, she was always a go - getter. Chasing her dreams, pursuing what she wanted. That’s what I admired most about her. If she wanted something, she made sure to get it. That’s how she got me. I was dating Minkie Turner when Danny and I first met. She was in her freshman year, and, for reasons unknown to me, was taking a third - year psych class. I still remember it like it were yesterday. She sat down in the seat next to me, swiftly bringing out her notebook and scribbling down what the professor was saying. She was late for class, as I’d later found out was routine for her. Her hair, a shade of chocolate pudding, was pinned in a high ponytail. She noticed me staring. I think people can sense that - when someone’s eyes are watching them. She looked up at me and I looked away, not fooling anyone to the illusion that I wasn’t staring. But I could tell that she was still staring at me. Even though the professor was talking, she didn’t look down and continue writing. She kept staring at me, daring me to turn my head and face her again. Slowly, I did. She was looking at me with these big brown eyes, doe like. ’Do you need something?’ She asked. I stuttered, unsure what to say. I was nervous for some reason, and I didn’t normally get nervous. ‘Do you have a spare pencil?’ was the only thing I managed to say. Her eyes drifted downwards to the pencil that I was holding in my hand. I followed her gaze, then quickly jammed it into the desk, breaking the tip. I looked back up at her and shrugged. She laughed and gave me a pencil. That was how it began. Minkie was great, but we’d only been dating for six months when I met Danny. It wasn’t a difficult decision to do the math on that one. Some believe that it’s wrong to cheat on your partner, but I didn’t intend for it to happened that way. We were friends, Danny and I - nothing more. Until we kissed. And then I couldn’t help myself. I knew I couldn’t continue dating someone while seeing Danny, so I broke things off with Minkie. I never really thought about her again. I graduated two years later - while Danny was just starting her third year - but I promised her that we would stay together, and that nothing, not even distance, would come between us. I kept my promise. And she stayed by my side, regardless of the ups and downs we went through. I was a struggling dental student, and she was trying to learn computer science. We’d laugh at ourselves when things got too serious. Life’s a journey, and nobody makes it out alive anyways. But if there was one thing I was certain of back then, it was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that woman. I proposed later that year, and we agreed to wait until we’d both finished school to get married. When it came to our childhoods, Danny and I were polar opposites. She came from a crazy, outgoing family, sandwiched between two brothers. I grew up an only child. Her parents were wild and fun. Mine were strict and conservative. They say that only - children are spoiled, and I guess they are right, because my parents gave all of their energy and devotion to me and only me. Without any siblings, their Focus was constantly on me. What does Winston need? What kind of car does he want? What school will he attend? I guess it was pretty great always having my wants and needs looked after. Their attention was only great until it wasn’t, like when I tried skipping school or hanging out with a different crowd of people. They noticed everything I did, every little change in my personality or life. And they’d jump on it, trying to fix and manage every detail. I guess they shaped me into the man I became, I owe my success to them. They helped me stay on track when I was nearly falling off. It is because of them that my dreams and aspirations were able to become reality. I grew up in Jhburg and my parents still live there today. It’s only two and half hours from our place here in Davenmore, but they don’t come out to visit as much as I’d like. My father will be retiring soon and maybe then they can make an effort to come out and spend time with their grandchild. They came to see us when Emerald was born, They brought presents upon presents for her. I knew immediately that she would be spoiled, just as I was. But their visits became sparse after Danny’s illness began getting worse. My parent’s - I love them dearly, but I’d be lying to myself if I said they weren’t pretentious people. They’d never dealt with a daughter, let alone a mental illness, and those things combined had them heading for the hills…. It angered me and I was affected by their abandonment. I told Danny that they were busy and simply didn’t have time to come around much. Not that she cared, really. The medication left her feeling tired and emotionless. I can only hope that once she starts to get better, they’ll come around again. God, I hope they do. My daughter needs grandparents in her life. After a long day of filling moulds, checking X-rays, and tightening braces, I make the short drive home, both nervous and excited to see my family. When I walk through the front door, the first thing I see is Marcia playing with the toys on the floor next to Emerald, who lies on her stomach, laughing. Her smile warms my heart. I’ve always wanted kids, or a kid, really. I liked the idea of having one child, just as my parents did. It allowed them to focus on me and help with everything I needed. I wanted to do the same for my own child. One is the perfect amount. One was all I needed. A little daughter, an angel, was more than I could have asked for. When Danny first told me that she didn’t want kids, I honestly thought she was joking. We were still at UWC at the time when we first discussed it. It wasn’t a serious discussion, so should we have babies? It was more of a casual conversation, brought up arbitrarily. She told me how she hated kids and could never picture herself being a mother. I laughed, thinking she was joking. She was so sweet and kind - hearted. I didn’t know what she was talking about. I thought she would be a great mother. Five years after that initial conversation, I knew I wanted her to be the mother of my child. She was upset when she told me about the pregnancy. Upset might be an understatement. She was devastated, saying her life was over and she would have to either abort the baby or give it up for adoption. That was never going to happen. I held my wife in my arms and explained to her that this was our little miracle. I told her how much happiness a baby would bring into our lives - not that we were unhappy - but a child fills places inside of you that you didn’t even know were empty.

A baby. I wanted that. I wanted a life and a future with Danny. And having a baby would make our lives complete. I gave her some time to herself, but every so often, I’d Tell her about the benefits of having a baby and how much joy it would bring us. Finally, she agreed with me, and I think she may have even been happy about it. I knew she would be a great mother. I just knew it. But she wasn’t. She Isn’t. I know that none of this is her fault, so I do not blame her. It’s something beyond her control. And I will stay by her side, fighting with her until all of this has passed. I walk over and kneel beside Marcia. I reach for my daughter, pulling her into my arms. So tiny and fragile in my large hands. She smells like strawberry soap, fresh and clean. I tell Marcia that she can go for the night, then I stand up, still holding Emerald close to me, and head towards the bedroom to see Danny. She’s laying on the bed, not sleeping, but not awake. Somewhere in between. Doctor Kelvin sits in the corner, reading a book, as he usually does. Where would we be without Doctor Kelvin? ‘How is she?’ I ask quietly as I walk in the room, switching Emerald to my other arm. Doc Kelvin looks up at me and closes his book. “She’s alright, Just a bit tired right now, that’s all.’ I nod my head, She’s always tired. ’Can I get her anything?’ ‘Perhaps some food? I can make dinner if you’d like?’ Doctor Kelvin offers. ‘No, It’s fine. I can go start something.’ I smile at the doctor, then turn to look at my wife. Her skin is pale and her eyes are staring up towards the ceiling. ’Hi Honey,’ I whisper. Her eyes turn slightly so they’re facing me. ‘Hi Babe,’ she mutters. ‘Can I get you anything? Water? Orange juice?’ ‘I’m good, thank you.’ She pauses. ’What are you going to make for dinner?’ ‘Is Butter Bean curry and Roti alright?’ ‘Sounds perfect, Babe, could you add chicken wings like the last time?’ She strains to smile. I walk to the nursery and place Emerald in her crib, then head into the kitchen. I grab the pot from the cupboard and place it on the stove. This will all be over soon, I tell myself. This is what I tell myself every day. I know words can’t do anything or help in this situation, but all I can do is pray that those words become a reality.