GUILTY 4

BEFORE Danniella Waters November 14, 2015 It happened today, I gave birth. Right on time, just as expected. I woke up feeling normal, no pains or aches in my stomach. I ate breakfast and even went for a walk. Winston took the day off in advance, just in case. Well, it’s a good thing he did. Around two o’clock I started experiencing sharp pains. Shortly after that, my water broke. I was standing in the kitchen, bending over in the fridge and reaching for the carton of milk, when the water spilt onto the floor. Winston, who was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, jumped up and ran to me. He grabbed my overnight bag that was already packed in our bedroom, and off we went to the hospital. When the contractions began, I thought I may die. Never in my life have I experienced something so excruciating. As though all of my organs were being ripped out from inside of me. I was screaming and crying, biting towels, clenching onto Winston’s hand as hard as I could. Multiple times he had to let go and shake it out just so I didn’t break it. She finally arrived at 7:24pm, screaming and crying, much like I was after seven hours of labour. She was pink and slimy, an alien creature. The initial emotion that flooded my body was relief. Thank God that thing is out of me! They informed me that she was a girl. The nurse wiped her off, wrapped her in a blanket, pink, obviously and handed her to me. I didn’t extend my arms in anticipation or excitement. They simply placed her tiny body into my arms, and I accepted her, as though I didn’t really have a choice. I looked down at her face, her plump little face, and my initial thought was, newborns are not attractive at all, with their red skin and scrunched up, wrinkly faces. My next thought was, what the hell do we name her? We decided on Emerald. Prior to her birth, Winston and I had compiled a list of baby names that we liked. We chose not to know the sex of the baby - wanted it to be a surprise. It sure was! We had two columns: boy’s names and girl’s names. After months of deciding on one name, then changing it to another, we had finally narrowed it down to four names. For a boy, we chose Christian (Winston’s grandfather) and Isaac. For a girl, we chose Lillian (After my mother, Lily) and Emerald. After Winston held her for the first time, he looked at me, tears brimming in his eyes, and said. ‘She’s our Emerald.’ And that was it. That was her name. He Didn’t ask me if Emerald was the right name. He just stated it, as though it was a predetermined fact. I didn’t argue, though. I liked Emerald. We both did. So when he said Emerald, it just stuck. And that became her name. I’m still lying in the hospital bed. The doctors told me to rest and get some sleep tonight. Emerald is in the room next door with the other babies. Winston keeps going to visit her. Then he comes back and tells me the most arbitrary things, like:- She wiggled her toes! She latched onto my pinky finger! She opened her mouth and made a funny sound! I just smile and tell him to stay in there with her. He insists on switching back and forth to see the both of us. At one point, he brings me a cup of orange juice and I tell him to go home and get some sleep since it’s almost midnight. He insists on staying here with me, but I know he won’t be able to sleep comfortably in the chair. Finally, he agrees, promising to be back in a couple of hours. Sitting alone in the hospital room, I begin to wonder what it will be like for her, growing up with a Christmasy birthday. My birthday is mid - summer, so I’ve always associated my coming of age with warm, sunny days and swimming pools. All my life, my mother hosted pool parties for my birthday. We’d invite all the kids from school and of course all the kids who lived on our street. She’d bake a vanilla cake and decorate it with rainbow frosting, which was my favourite. We’d splash around in the kitty pool, taking turns jumping in one at a time, That’s all I remember, really. Sunshine and swimming pools. It’s great having a summer birthday. Something to look forward to once school is over. Emerald will have a birthday. So close to the Christmas season. I Hope her birthday isn’t forgotten about. November 14th. What Zodiac sign is that? Scorpio? I think it’s Scorpio. As I’m drifting off to sleep, my mind is filled with eagerness and exhaustion. It still feels surreal to me. The fact that I just gave birth to a human being. I created a life. Who would have thought? Me, a mother. I never thought I’d see the day. And I think that’s why it feels so strange. Perhaps this is just one big dream, and tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and tell Winston, and he’ll laugh and say. You, pregnant? I don’t think so. But this is not a dream. And I’m not going to wake up laughing. This is real life. This is my reality now. I’m a mother. I am now responsible for the life of that little creature in the other room. And that scares the hell out of me.

AFTER Danniella Waters Friday May 19, 2016 My cell phone rang at six a.m, which didn’t disturb me considering I was up at five. I didn’t sleep all night, tossing and turning, chest filled with fear and anxiety, worrisome thoughts consuming my brain. The police officer on the phone informed me that the preliminary investigation of the house was complete and we could return when we were ready. I wake Winston, gather our things - which is just pyjamas and our toothbrushes - and drive home. Not ten minutes of being home, Winston grabs his car keys and leaves. He has barely said four words to me since last night. Now he’s going to drive the streets and search for our daughter. As though he’ll simply find her, sitting on someone’s front lawn, waiting for him. At least I’ve come to grips with this reality. Winston is in a state of denial. And blame. His mind is impartial to what he thinks happened to our daughter. He want s to believe that she’s out there somewhere, and going to search for her is the hope that drives him. But then there’s his other suspicion, and that would be me. And since there’s nothing he can do here, he leaves. After staring at the wall for another hour, then managing to scrape my clothes off and take a shower, I sit on the couch that faces the front window and wait, gripping my mug of coffee between my palms. I don’t know what it is exactly that I’m waiting for. Something, anything. A little while later, I see a police car pull in front of the house and I jump up, nearly spilling my third cup of coffee. I steady myself, carefully placing the mug on the table, then walk to the front door and swing it wide open, just as the officer is starting up the walkway. My chest tightens and I brace myself for whatever news he is here to tell me. ‘Mrs Waters,’ he says once he sees me standing there eagerly. ‘May I come in?’ My heart pounds through my chest. ‘Did you find her? Is she alright?’ ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, no news yet. I just need to come in and go over a few things with you.’ I nod my head and step backwards, opening the door so the man can come inside. My mind fixates on the word yet. ‘I’m Officer Matt Holden, the lead officer on this case.’ He extends his hand. I reach forward and give it a light shake. ‘I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.’ ‘Thank you,’ I manage to say. I turn and lead him into the living room. ‘Would you like anything to drink? Coffee?’ ‘I’m alright, thanks,’ he sits down and makes himself comfortable in the chair. I stare at him for a moment, unsure what to do with my hands, then I sit down on the couch adjacent to him. ‘Did Detective Sullivan check out any of the names I gave him?’ I ask eagerly. “That’s actually why I’m here. I just wanted to discuss the details of your personal life, your close family and friends.’ ‘Okay.’ He clears his throat and readjusts in his seat. ‘So on the list here,’ he pulls it out and holds the paper in front of him. ‘You only listed about a dozen names. Is that all of the people who have been here in the last few months?’ ‘Well, people who matter. What did you want me to write, the mailman?’ ‘Anyone, Mrs Waters. At this moment, everyone is a person of interest.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘In case of child abductions, the most common perpetrator is usually someone known by the family.’ I swallow, even though my mouth is dry. ‘Alright,’ I say. He taps his pen against his leg, staring at me. ‘Um, well, other than those few people I wrote down, not many others come by. Winston is always busy at work. He runs his own orthodontic practice, you know.’ ‘Yes, he told us.’ I smile flatly. ‘So he’s usually working, and I’m either here or working. We see friends sometimes, but .. Not as often as we used to.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Before Emerald was born. We used to go out more often. But then afterwards….’ He nods his head and writes something down. ‘Detective Sullivan is actually going over shortly to speak with your nanny - Mrs Mendoza - and her husband.’ My heart leaps. ‘Why? Did something happen?’ No. ma’am. Mrs Mendoza is a secondary care - taker for your daughter, so its imperative that we speak with her. Perhaps she knows something that may help us in the investigation.’ ‘You may want to speak with Ainsley then as well. I wrote her on the list.’ I nod my head towards the paper in his hands. ‘She’s our part - time sitter for weekends and other occasions.’ He jots something down. ‘How often does she sit for you?’ ‘Only once in a while. If Winston and I want to go out for dinner. Or if we both get held up at work one day and Marcia needs to leave.’ ‘Alright, I’ll make sure that someone speaks with her.’ I nod my head and he begins reading the list aloud, ‘ Savannah, Collin, Dave, Marissa, Jonah, Lily - those are your parents, yes?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And, Winston’s parents are…’ ‘Madeline and Carlisle,’ ‘Why is it that you didn’t write their names?’ ‘They haven’t been by in a while.’ ‘But they are primary family. You need to include everyone.’ He doesn’t hide his annoyance. ’Is there anyone else that you failed to include?’ I think for a moment, trying to ignore the insolence in his tone, then shake my head. ‘Not that I can think of.’ ‘Who is Savannah?’ ‘My friend. From work.’ ‘Does she come by often?’ ‘Um, sometimes. We usually grab coffee once a week, before work. We go out on weekends occasionally, but she doesn’t drop by here too often, unless she’s picking me up or needs to get something.’ He nods and writes something in the notepad. ’Can you tell me about your husband?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Tell me about the two of you. How you met, what he’s like….’ ‘I already told you, he runs his orthodontic practice, we married four years ago, he loves Emerald. So much, She’s his pride and joy. What else do you want to know?’ ‘How did the two of you meet?’ ‘What is the relevance?’ He sighs. ’I’m trying to get an idea. See the larger picture here.’ I bite my lip, then nod my head, thinking back all those years ago, ’We met when I was a freshman at UWC. He was in his third year.’ ‘What were you studying?’ ‘I did a Bachelors of Art and Science before getting my degree in Computer Science.’ ‘And he was going for…’ ‘His undergrad in science. He got his Masters & PhD afterwards.’ Office Holden writes something down, then looks back up at me, expecting me to continue talking. ‘He was actually, um,’ I smile to myself. ’He was dating another girl when we first met. Minkie, I think her name was. But Winston and I had a psychology class together - don’t ask me what I was doing taking a third year psych class in first year. But,’ I smile again. ’We became really good friends and something more grew out of it. Eventually he broke up with Minkie and we started dating.’ ‘So the two of you were involved while he was still dating her?’ I’m taken back by his question. ’Yes,’ I pause, feeling the warmth come to my cheeks, I’m embarrassed. GUILTY. ’I never intended to be one of those home wreckers. But … We don’t choose who we love. Or when. And sometimes it’s inconvenient. That’s all I have to say.’ He writes something down and I lean in, trying to read what he’s writing. He looks up at me and subtly pulls the notepad closer to his lap. ‘What are you writing? That I’m a home wrecker? That has absolutely no relevance to what is happening now.’ ‘Mrs Waters, have you ever heard the saying …oh how’s it go? If he will cheat with you, he will have no problem cheating on you.’ I stare at him, trying to analyze his words. ‘What are you implying?’ ‘Has Winston ever been unfaithful? Could there possibly be another woman involved?’ ‘No,’ I say without hesitation. ’Winston would never cheat on me. Our marriage is perfectly fine. He loves me and he loves Emerald and he values this family. Why would you even ask such a thing?’ ‘It’s just a question, ma’am. If there are any other factors that need to be considered, we need to know.’ ‘Well there isn’t. I can tell you that for certain. Winston loves me. You should focus on the neighbours. Or Winston’s co - workers. Maybe they had something to do with this.’ I say these words with conviction, But who am I trying to convince of this. The officer, or myself? Officer Holden leaves and I can’t say that I’m sad to see him go. He promises to keep me updated. He explained that they’re going to talk to everyone they can, my parents, Winston’s parents, our friends, co - workers, neighbours - everyone. He also informed me that they put out an Alert last night, so now the public can join the search for my daughter as well, I hope that wherever Emerald is, she’s okay. Maybe this one big misunderstanding. Maybe she’s safe somewhere, in the home of a friend. Maybe someone came over and took her for a little visit to give me a break. But that possibility seems highly unlikely. I just pray she’s not in the arms of danger, locked in a room somewhere, crying for her mother. I hope she’s alive…..