GUILTY 36

AFTER EMERALD WAS RETURNED…

Danny Waters

June 12,2016

I sit on the park bench and sip my coffee, watching as Ainsley pushes Emerald around her stroller. It’s a beautiful day, sun shining, not a cloud in the sky. The forecast was showing rain all week, yet all we’ve had is sun. Funny how things work out.

It’s been three weeks since Emerald was taken and returned to me. Three weeks since the most stressful ordeal of my life. Those three days were such a roller coaster. From initially being blamed for the act, to having the suspicion switch to Winston, both of us went through so much. But they found her. They found my baby and brought her home, alive and well.

June 16th would have been mine and Winston’s four year anniversary. I can’t say that I’m even remotely close to getting over what happened last month, but I’m getting there. The wound is still open and stings quite a bit. But even I know that all wounds heal eventually.

It’s taken me a long time to come to grips with this reality. I couldn’t understand how my husband could be responsible for such a horrific incident in our lives. But he was. He is. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Because there are days when I miss him. There are nights when I lie in bed alone, tossing and turning, times that I want to forgive him; reach out and tell him to be there with me. But I can’t do that. Because what he did is unforgivable. I need to learn to move on from this.

Other than that, life has reverted back to normal for me. I told my boss that I need to spend more time with Emerald, so until further notice. I’m only working three days a week. This allows me to be the mother that I should have been six months ago. I wasn’t in my right state of mind then, and it’s taken a lot - going through hell and back - to finally make me realize what she’s worth. I never want to lose her again. I will never take her cries for granted again. Waking up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep only seems like a fair price for having her in my arms again.

Although I truly and honestly felt that I was stable again, Doctor Kelvin obviously had some concerns. he had me speak to another psychologist who deals with childhood trauma. We

re - visited the issue of Immanuel and how I needed to come to terms with this reality. In all honesty, I remembered bits and pieces from that year, but not much. I remembered Immanuel. I remembered hanging out with him and the other children on my street. But even when my parents told me about the horrible things they uncovered from that year. I still have no recollection of it. As though my mind managed to completely block it out. I guess it’s all for the better, then.

Since there are no medications to help with dissociative amnesia, the best remedies are to learn to cope and deal with stress, and also to talk with someone on a regular basis. That is why I’m now seeing Doctor Nash once a week - to ensure that I keep my life on track and never have a dissociative episode again.

I’ve been trying to get involved in the community more. I’m working on organizing a fundraiser for this July. It’s a benefit to raise money and awareness for postpartum psychosis. No one should have to go through what I went through. And although there in no prevention for the illness, there are many remedies that can aid in one’s recovery. That is why I’m hosting the benefit. More people need to be aware of this sort of thing. If you ask somebody on the street what postpartum psychosis is, they’ll think you mean postpartum depression. But there’s a difference. And that difference needs to be established.

Gerald’s been helping me with it, gathering information and research on the subject. He’s even helping with the venue. Something tells me that he’s just as passionate about this topic as I am. He doesn’t want to see anyone suffer from this either. There are remedies out there: Medicine and therapies that can help combat the psychosis. And I want to offer myself to any woman out there suffering. I want them to know that I went through this. I suffered. But I also beat it. I worked so hard every single day until I was better again. I want to be that Hope for people. The light at the end of the tunnel. If I can survive it, so can they.

As for the rest of the family, everyone seems to be doing great. We all learned of some rather shocking news within the last few weeks. It turns out that Collin and Lianna had an affair four years ago. And even more shocking, Collin is Clayton’s father.

Everyone thought that Liam and Lianna were going to separate. But according to Liam, he knew all along. Lianna told him about the affair all those years ago, but she never told him about Clayton. But Liam isn’t stupid. He admitted to knowing early on about the truth of Clayton’s conception. But rather than tearing their family apart, he decided to stay with Lianna and try to make it work. However, that is why Liam ceased all contact with Collin. He Didn’t want to face him, knowing that he was Clayton’s true father.

What’s even stranger is that this whole mess brought everyone close together. Liam knew the truth all along, so all it took was Collin opening up and confessing to him for them to come together again, It’s an interesting familial situation - I have to admit that. Liam will always be Clayton’s father, but now at least Clayton will have an uncle that he’s close with, although the truth about who his biological father is will never be revealed to him. it’s simpler, that way. Jada, on the other hand, didn’t take the news too well, She packed up her things and filed for a divorce from Collin. I guess not everyone can be as understanding as Liam and Lianna.

I’m not one to talk - I did file for a divorce from Winston, after all. But our situation is different. Not only did he have an affair which would have torn this family apart, he ruined that poor girl’s life all those years ago. I didn’t know what kind of man my husband truly was and that frightens me. If he was capable of such ignorance and malice, who knows what else he is capable of? Yet still, I granted him the one thing he wanted, equal custody of Emerald. Because I know that she is his life, and regardless of my ill feelings towards him, I couldn’t take that away from him.

Savannah comes to visit me a couple times a week, bringing with her coffee and a new type of chocolate each visit. Sometimes she brings sweat pastries and cookies. We Didn’t talk for a little while after the whole situation occurred. I did accuse her of kidnapping my daughter, after all, but fortunately for me, Savannah was very understanding. She told me that none of that was my fault, and I love her for that. She’s one of the closest friends I have and I never want to lose her. We bring Emerald out with us now on our lunch dates. I bring her to work sometimes, too.

Everyone at the office adores her. Everything I do now. I do with Emerald. She wasn’t an integral part of my life before, which is horrible considering she’s my daughter. But she sure as hell is now. And I’m never letting her out of my sight again.

It all still seems so surreal to me. The fact that my husband had another child out there that he didn’t even know about. Well, I guess he knew about her, yet failed to accept the validity of her existence eleven years ago. And then there was the mistress - Rosie. What are the odds that he went and got her pregnant, too? I mourn the loss of her. I mourn the loss of both those sisters. Even though it was Rosie who stole me baby and almost ruined my life, I can only pity her now that she is gone. The poor woman was only doing what she believed was right. She was only trying to right the wrongs of my husband. I can’t blame her for that. I can only sympathize. May she rest in peace, both her and her sister.

But that’s all in the past now. Whatever happened, and there’s no changing it. The only way to live from this point on is to keep going forwards without looking back. I have my baby back and nothing will ever come between us again.

I turn to my left and see his car pull into the parking lot. I watch as he gets out and walks towards me, carrying a paper bag.

‘Hi,’ he says once he sees me.

‘Hi,’ I smile.

He takes a seat on the bench beside me, handing me the paper bag, along with a stack of paperwork. More information on the benefit, I assume. I open the bag to see an assortment of cookies and baked goods.

‘I got your favourite,’ he says. ‘Oatmeal chocolate chip.’

I stick my hand into the bag and pull one out. ‘Thank You.’

He takes the bag and places it on the bench next to him. Together, we sit there in silence and watch Ainsley as she takes a spoon to Emerald, feeding her the apple sauce that I packed earlier.

‘How is she today?’ Gerald asks me.

‘She’s good. Smiling and laughing as always.’

‘That’s good,’ he says. ‘Two more days until she’s officially seven months.’

‘You’re right,’ I smile. ‘We’re going down to Delmas this weekend. I thought it would be nice to see my parents.’

He nods. ‘Will Collin be there?’

‘Most likely. I’m trying to get Liam and the family to come down as well. It will be nice.’

‘How are things with him and Jada? She’s still set in her ways?’

I take a breath. ‘Yes, unfortunately. He may have lost a wife, but at least he gained a brother. And a niece and nephew. That’s something, isn’t it?’

‘It is.’ He says.

I smile and nod. It’s quiet for a moment. We sit there in silence as we watch Ainsley and Emerald.

‘Have you heard from him?’ Gerald asks me.

‘Not recently, no.’

‘I heard he’s doing well.’

‘That’s good. I’m glad,’ I smile. ‘It would have been our four year anniversary on the 16th.’

‘How does that make you feel?’

I hesitate. ‘I’m not sure. I feel a mixed array of emotions. Confusion. Sadness. Loss. But I can’t dwell on those feelings. I have to understand that this is for the best.’

‘You’re allowed to feel those things as well, Danny,’ he turns to me. ‘It’s only normal. You’re grieving the loss of a marriage. That’s perfectly acceptable.’

‘Thank you,’ I smile at him.

He’s been a great help these past few weeks after everything that has happened. From constantly coming by the house to check up on me, to helping out with Emerald, Gerald’s presence in my life has become a normality. And now, I don’t want him to leave.

Who knows where life will take us next? I’ve learned not to live my life wondering these sorts of things, but rather, by taking each day as it comes. There are no guarantees in this life, and I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow will bring. But I have today. I have this present moment. I have this beautiful, sunny weather. I have Ainsley watching Emerald. I have Gerald by my side, bringing me Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. What else could I possibly ask for?

THE END….

THANK YOU FOR THE READ.