GUILTY 21

Danniella Waters April 10,2016 These past few weeks have been cold and rainy, a reminder of how our winter has been. But today the sun has come out, and with it an eagerness for spring; a time of regrowth and solstice. How my body longs for the days that I can sit outside in nothing but a summer dress, feeling the sun bathe down on my skin, absorbing all of the warmth. I crave that feeling, the warmth that my body requires. I finally begin to move forward, have a fresh start. Spring is a time of hope, new beginnings. This thought excites me and I drive all the way to work with the windows down, the stereo blasting encouraging, upbeat tunes. After sorting through some files and sending a mass email to the team, I make my way over to Savannah’s desk to catch up. She’s eager to tell me about a new guy she’s been seeing. I listen to her go on about how different he is. How he’s not like the rest. I find it comical that she say s this every time. I nod my head, smiling as the words flow from her mouth, a river going upstream. She’s unstoppable now. There’s no point in trying to but in. So instead, I direct my thoughts somewhere else. Thoughts of summer, being outdoors. I work straight through until noon, then head out for my lunch break. With these thoughts in my mind, I knew I couldn’t simply stay here and grab something from the cafeteria downstairs as I usually do. I decide to go for a drive until I find something that catches my eye. I pass a strip mall that has an Italian restaurant. Lucenzo’s is the name. The moment I walk through the doors, the aroma of fresh tomatoes and garlic bread fills the air. I close my eyes as I take it all in. I walk to the take - out bar where an older man with grey hair and a salt n pepper moustache takes my order. I decide on the marinara mushroom pasta with a side of garlic bread. I never pass on the garlic bread. I grab a seat by the window and eat my meal, staring out into the distance, observing anything that passes by. I often let my mind wander to places that I didn’t even know existed. Sitting here, watching the cars go by, I feel a sense of calm and relief. Its times like these that I miss being by myself. I need to do that more often. I’m sure Winston would understand. He and Emerald could go on play dates at the park while I have a little mommy get - away. I’ve always appreciated my alone - time. Growing up as an introverted kid, I never liked going out much or socializing with large groups. People often get introversion confused with shyness. They are not the same. I am confident and happy to talk with strangers; I do it every single day at work. But introversion requires down time. Time for yourself, to recharge. When I can cuddle up in bed with a good book or turn on a movie. I love being alone with Winston, curled up beside him. I miss those days, when it was just the two of us. Is that wrong of me to say? I’m sure mothers wish for that all of the time. Surely I can’t be the only one. Especially mothers who have two and three children. Oh, what a nightmare that must be, I can’t even imagine. I push the thought of children away. I will stare out the window, gazing into the open nothingness, enjoying my time alone while it lasts. Before I leave Lucenzo’s, I decide to grab something for Winston and drop it off at his work. I’m in a good mood today, and I suddenly have the urge to bring happiness to everyone around me, including my husband. This little surprise will be good for him. It’s been so long since I dropped by the practice to visit him. I’ll get him one of his favourites, pizza. Maybe if I continue with the random acts of kindness and surprise visits at work, he’ll look at me more. Notice me. Remember that I am his wife and that we’re in this together. He’s been so distant lately and I can’t help but blame myself. I know it’s because of my depression. I just wish it didn’t affect him as much as it has. I can only attempt to win back his love. I don’t have long before I have to return to work so I drive a little faster to make it there in time. I park the car, grab the box from the passenger seat, and stride up towards the front doors of the practice. Once inside, I immediately smell fluoride, a smell I despise. It reminds me of being at the dentist, having my mouth probed. Your gums are bleeding because you’re not flossing enough, COMES TO MIND. I approach the receptionist desk and see the woman - Vanessa, is her name? - typing away into the computer. She’s new to the practice, only been here about six months now. ‘Good afternoon,’ I beam as I step towards the counter. She looks up and recognizes me immediately. ‘Mrs Waters, hello! What a pleasant surprise.’ ‘I just thought I’d drop by and surprise Winston with lunch. Is he in his office or with a patient right now?’ Her face alters, looking puzzled. ‘Oh, um. I thought he was with you?’ ‘With me? What do you mean?’ ‘He left work about an hour ago. Said he was taking the day off. I assumed the two of you had plans today.’ She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Winston left work? An hour ago? Why wouldn’t he tell me? And better yet, where did he go? ‘Oh, Um,’ I turn and look at the clock. ‘So he won’t be back at the office today?’ I ask holding up the box of pizza. She eyes it. ‘No, I don’t think so. I can call him if you’d like?’ ‘No, no, that’s fine. I have to get back to work now. I’ll talk to him later,’ I force a smile and turn to leave. ‘Have yourself a good day now, Tessa!’ ‘You too, Mrs Waters. And it’s Vanessa!’ I hear her call just as I push out the front door. Where the hell is my husband? I rush around the kitchen trying to prepare something nice for dinner. I quickly glance at Emerald who is sitting in her high chair smearing baby food over the tray in front of her. Why do babies do this? It’s almost as though they enjoy the unclean-liness. Upon arriving home from work, I put Winston’s surprise pizza in the fridge. He can have it tomorrow. Tonight, I’m making us dinner, We can have a special family night - spend some time together. I rush over to Emerald, grab some wipes, and begin cleaning up her mess. Its quarter past five, which means Winston should be home any minute. The mashed potatoes are finished and sitting on the table. The roast beef should be done momentarily. I scramble back to the stove to stir the veggies which are cooking in the pan. Just then, I hear the oven beep, indicating that the roast is finished. I open the door and step back, allowing the heat and stream to exit, then I grab the oven mitts and pull out the large pot. I’m leaning over the table cutting the beef when I hear the front door open. I glance at the clock - five - forty - two. Why has he been coming home so late recently? I hear the sound of the keys being hung on the rack, shoes being removed, then subtle footsteps as he enters the kitchen. He tries to hide the surprise on his face upon seeing me in the kitchen. ‘You cooked dinner?” ‘I did!’ I smile and walk over to him. ‘I thought we could have a special family night.’ He places one hand on my waist as I lean in and kiss him, then removes it an steps back. ‘Smells good, what’s cooking?’ He walks over to see Emerald. ‘Hello my beautiful girl,’ he leans in and swoops her up out of her high chair. ‘Roast beef, potatoes, vegetables ….Emerald made quite a mess, as usual,’ I laugh it off. But he’s not listening to me. He’s bouncing her up and down in his arms, laughing while she giggles. ‘How was work?’ I speak up. He looks at me, then, as he hoists her into his arms. ‘It was good. How was your day?’ ‘Good. Here, have a seat,’ I pull out the chair for him to sit down. He takes a seat and I gently take Emerald from his arms and place her back in the high chair. I walk over to the oven, bring over the vegetables, and place them on the table. Then I sit down at the opposing end. We pass around the pots, scraping out mashed potatoes and layering on loads of beef and vegetables. Finally, I pour us both a glass of zinfandel and slide his over. He takes a sip, then looks up at me. ‘You didn’t have to do all of this,’ ‘I know. I wanted to. We haven’t had a nice family dinner in a while.’ He smiles flatly, then turns to Emerald. ‘She already ate?’ ‘Yes, I fed her while I was cooking.’ ‘What a good girl,’ he says in what can only be described as the ‘baby voice,’ and reaches his hand out to her cheek. ‘So,’ I begin as I stab my fork into the roast. ‘Work was good?’ ‘Mhmm,’ he takes another sip of wine before cutting into his meat. ‘I stopped by,’ I say, ‘I went over to Lucenzo’s for lunch. Grabbed you a pizza and went to drop it off. But Vanessa said you took the day off?’ I say, then nonchalantly take a forkful of vegetables into my mouth. ‘Oh, yes, some of the guys and I went out for lunch.’ ‘Work guys?’ ‘Yeah.’ I nod my head and take another bite, ‘Tessa said she thought you were with me.’ He hesitates, holding the fork halfway to his mouth. He brings it back down. ‘It’s Vanessa. And that’s odd. She must have been mistaken.’ ‘Hmm,’ I nod. ‘She seems like a bright girl. I would have thought she’d notice if a few of you left together.’ ‘It was only three of us. Me, Simon and Greg. And we had interfering schedules, so we left separately.’ I nod my head again and smile. ‘Well, I guess you have lunch for tomorrow.’