GUILTY 17

BEFORE Winston Waters March 14,2016 Emerald turns four months today. Danny was officially cleared to go back to work last week. Upon completing a number of tests and speaking with two different psychologists to assess her current state of mind, she was given the green light. Doctor Kelvin says that her progress has been phenomenal. Only four short months since the birth and the doctors are saying she’s safe to immerse herself back into society and her old ways of life. I don’t believe it’s that easy, not even for a second. Sure, I’ve watched her progress over the past few months, but still, I have my doubts. How could I not? She told me she wished Emerald was never born - multiple times. The amount of nights I stayed up and held her as she cried and told me she wished death upon herself - as if that was somehow better than living. It was a nightmare. Blood, sweat and tears. And now suddenly, just like that, she’s better. It’s surreal, that’s what it is. As though the past four months have been a bad dream. We’ve both been drowning for so long, and now here we are, heads above the water, just trying to stay afloat. But somehow even the simple act of trying to breathe is enough to exhaust me. I though it would be different. For four desolate months I sat at my office desk dreaming of this day. Praying for a miracle that would turn our lives around and make everything better again. But even when I prayed for a miracle, there was still a part of me that had lost all hope and doubted that she could ever get better. I thought she would stay damaged and broken forever. I don’t understand. This is what I wanted. This is what I’ve been hoping for. So why do I feel so strange about this quick transition back to our so - called normal life? I became so accustomed to the darkness that grew around our lives that I almost took comfort in it, allowed myself to wallow in it, breathing in its toxic fumes. The darkness became my life. A never - ending hell that I couldn’t quite escape. And then eventually, things got better. Days got brighter. She began smiling a little bit, then, a lot. She began holding Emerald, feeding her, taking her for walks in the stroller. I’d try to read her facial expression; see if she was still broken inside. But it seemed genuine - all of it. I’m not sure if she miraculously started loving Emerald or if she put on a fake smile in front of the doctors, but quite frankly, I don’t care. I have my wife back, at least for now, and she can finally be a mother to my daughter. That’s all that matters. But that’s not true and I’d be lying to myself if I said that everything was fine. Because everything has changed. Feelings that were once there are now difficult to find. And the woman that I once loved has been altered into someone else. Or perhaps I’m the one who’s been altered. It’s me who’s changed now, not her. Danny was able to revert to her old self. Her loving, caring self. But in those months that I spent waiting for her, it was me who changed the most. And it didn’t take a psychosis or mental break for it to happen. All I had to do something. I had to get out. I had to find an escape, even if it was just a temporary one. I guess you could consider her temporary. I’m not even sure what to call it right now. But I do know one thing; I’m happy. I know that’s wrong - believe me, I know. But it’s the truth. I never thought I’d become that man, the man that cheats on his wife with another woman. A man who succumbs to weakness. But I also never thought my wife would go through a severe psychosis. I have to accept that not everything in my life can be planned and easily controlled. I never intended for it to turn out this way, believe me. I tried time and time again to stop myself. But there was something there. A spark, a bit of magic, chemistry. Undeniable chemistry. I wasn’t even sure if women still looked at me anymore. I’m thirty - one years old and a father. I assumed I was off the market for good. But everything changed when I met Rosie. She’s charming in a subtle way and knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Her eyes have the ability to welcome me, make me feel like I belong somewhere. As though if I stare into them long enough, the rest of the world will disappear and it will only be the two of us. It’s like a new high being with her. And every cell in my body feels alive. I haven’t felt that way in a long time, long before Emerald was born, God, I love Emerald. So much. And I never want to do anything to hurt her or compromise my marriage. I still love Danny. Of course I do. I don’t think I could ever stop loving her. But there comes a point where that love just fades into something less than it was before and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. It wasn’t Danny’s fault. But it’s not my fault either. And I shouldn’t be subject to remaining the same person my entire life. I’m not the same man I was when Danny and I met. And I think things with Danny had begun going downhill long before Emerald’s birth, but we were both too blind to see it. Perhaps the postpartum was an opportunity for my eyes to open. To finally see what has been right in front of me for a while now, the truth. And the truth is, it’s just not working. I can’t leave her. I know that for a fact. Especially after everything she’s gone through. She would never forgive me. She’d divorce me, file for full custody of Emerald. And I know how a jury would look at a cheating husband, especially when the wife just went through the most difficult time of her life. That’s why she can never find out. I won’t leave her. I swear I will stay with her for the rest of our lives. Or, at least until Emerald is eighteen and can make decisions for herself. Eighteen years. I can do that. It won’t be difficult. I can stay with Danny. I do love her. But I need something more. Something new, Dangerous, exciting. I think the thrill and risk of being with Rosie is what I crave the most. It’s exhilarating. As though I could get caught at any moment. Like when you reach the top of a roller coaster and just before it drops, your seat tilts slowly over the edge and you can see the entire world in front of you. Then all at once, you fall, fast and you get that rush that fills your entire body. Do I think it will last? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. It could just be a temporary thing. A perfect little escape to have fun for a while. I’m not counting on her sticking around forever. She may get tired of me sooner than later. And I think I’m okay with that. I think we are perfect together now, but things may change and that’s okay. Because Rosie was exactly what I needed to find. Not only to escape my current life, but to rediscover myself and understand who I am, what I truly need. I needed Rosie to discover those things. So if it doesn’t last, at least I got something else out of it….. TO BE CONTINUED…