GUILTY 13

CONTINUED FROM LAST NIGHT…. ‘Lots of responsibility I take it,’ he says. I don’t respond, so he continues. ‘Does the job ever get to you? Is it ever too much?’ ‘Why do you keep asking about my job? I already told you that I love my job. In fact …’ I stop myself. ‘In fact what, Mrs Waters?’ In fact, I love my job more than anything. Including my child, I think to myself but don’t dare say it out loud. I’m digging the hole deeper and deeper for myself. ‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘I really enjoy what I do.’ ‘I’m glad,’ he pauses again, thinking, I assume. ‘You think I had something to do with this. I know the police do.’ ‘Well that’s why I’m here, Danniella,’ he says my name again. ‘That’s what we’re going to figure out. But I just want to assure you, that if something did happen…’ ‘I can assure you, Doctor, nothing happened. I don’t know how many times I have to say that. If I knew where my fucking child was, do you think I’d be sitting here listening to you lecture me?’ I snap. I can’t help it. The accusations, the police officers in my home - I can’t take it any longer. They think I’m guilty. They think I killed Emerald. ‘Mrs Waters, please,’ he reaches in a breath, then folds his hands in his lap. ‘I’m going to give you some time. I understand you need your space. I’ll be posted here overnight, just in case you need anything,’ Because we believe that you’re guilty. ‘Sergeant Olivia Sol will be stationed here overnight as well. You can speak with her and ask her any questions you may have. Is this alright with you?’ He asks. ‘Do I have a choice?’ I’m distracted from my thoughts of anguish and misery when the front door opens and my parents walk in. I turn my head and watch as they step inside, looking all but confused and out of sorts as they take in the array of police officers who are standing around my house. ‘Oh, Danny!’ my mother cries as I push myself into her embrace. Besides Collin, she’s the first person I’ve felt that I can rely on during this time of crises. Someone who I know is on my side. Someone I can cry to. ‘We are so sorry we didn’t get here sooner. Oh my God, my baby.’ She holds my face in her hands and the tears start flowing. I can’t help it. I’m so overwhelmed with anger, anxiety and now, relief. ‘I missed you,’ I smile through the tears. ‘Oh honey, we weren’t that long.’ My father puts his hand on my shoulder. I wipe my nose with my sleeve. ‘It’s just been … so hard…,’ I break down again. I feel both my parents holding me tight as their only daughter sobs. I wipe my eyes, trying to calm myself down and catch a breath. ‘Have they found anything yet?’ my father asks. ‘No, not yet. But everyone’s looking for her. They’re going to find her.’ ‘They will, honey. They will.’ I spend the next little while catching up with my parents. I tell them everything that has happened in the past twenty - four hours. They ask multiple times if I’m okay, mentally. It’s like everyone around me is walking on eggshells regarding the topic. Yes, I had postpartum psychosis. This fact has nothing to do with the abduction of my daughter. Why doesn’t anyone understand that? It’s like they’re afraid I might crumble and break. Perhaps I will if they don’t start talking to me like a normal human being. Like a normal mother. On second thought, I guess I’ve never been a normal mother. After talking about Emerald and her disappearance for as long as I can stand, we smoothly gear the conversation over to their time in Durban. They tell me about the beautiful weather and the salty beaches. They’ve always loved Durban, it’s a second home to them. I ask if they’ve heard from Liam lately, but unfortunately he stays pretty off the grid with them as well. It’s unfortunate, really, how such a silly thing could cause our once rock - solid family to fall apart. We’re a puzzle, my family, and we’re now missing one big peace. I wish he’d talk to us, especially now. This is his niece, for God’s sake. He should be here. Even for me, he should be here. Detective Sullivan is back, and I glare at him as he approaches us, I feel betrayed by him, The only person who believed me; the only one of them that I actually trusted. And now he’s taken their side, believing that I’m Guilty… It’s nearing nine o’clock, and I silently wish everyone would just leave already. But he says he needs to speak with my parents. I guess he’s been awaiting their arrival. At first I feel worried, as though they’re going to speak about me behind my back. Such a trivial thing to worry about. But then I remind myself of the urgency this investigation holds. We all have one common goal, to find Emerald. However, I can’t be too certain who’s even on my side anymore. Gerald leads my parents down the hall to our home - office to speak. I walk over to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Only seconds upon entering what used to be one of my favourite areas of the house, I notice the mess of dishes piled in the sink. I don’t have time for that right now. I’ll just keep using clean dishes until they’re all used up. Then, maybe I’ll do dishes. Maybe. I watch as the officer’s converse around my living room. Some of them speak in hushed whispers and I can’t help but wonder If they’re talking about me. One man, younger looking, sits at the living room table typing away into a computer. I consider leaning over to see what he’s doing, but decide its best I don’t interfere. I don’t want to give them any more reasons to suspect me of guilt. Just then, the front door opens, once again, and in walks my husband. My heart nearly leaps out of my chest and I’m instantly filled with an array of emotions; happiness, then anger. Where the hell has he been all day? I place my mug back down on the counter before I can even fill it and rush over to him as he removes his jacket and hangs it on the coat hanger. ‘Where have you been all day?’ my attempt at being quiet has failed. He looks at me and his eyes look dead - emotionless, almost. Not a look I would have expected from his at this moment. ‘I already told you, I’ve been out with the police looking for our daughter.’ ‘All day? It’s after nine o’clock, Winston. Where the hell have you been looking? Under park benches and in shopping bags?’ ‘I’m not doing this right now.’ He pushes past me and starts off towards our bedroom. I look around and see the officers staring at us. I ignore them and follow behind him, racing into our bedroom and shutting the door behind us. He walks to the dresser and stands there, hands on the mahogany wood, staring down at the floor below his feet. ‘Winston,’ I speak gently this time as I slowly approach him. ‘What’s the matter? Did something happen?’ He doesn’t look at me right away. I can see him breathing heavily through his nose. ‘Winston!!!’ He looks up at me, ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m just … I can’t do this. Our daughter is missing. Missing! I just don’t know …’ he fades off. I get closer, until we’re inches apart and place my hand on his back. ‘I know.’ He closes his eyes and I watch as tears begin to spill down his cheeks. My husband, the one who’s always been so strong and resilient through everything we’ve been through, has finally broke. It breaks my heart. I lean in and wrap my arms around him. ‘It’s going to be okay,’ I whisper into his neck. ‘They’re going to find her. I know they will.’ It’s quiet for a moment before he speaks. ‘I’m afraid,’ he mumbles through his tears. ‘Of what?’ He breathes. ‘Everything.’ AFTER Detective Gerald Sullivan Friday May 19, 2016 We step into the home - office. It’s a spacious room, I assume where Danniella is stationed for work twice a week. Perhaps where Winston comes to think. There’s a large desk in the corner with a built in book shelf and a large Mac desktop computer. A single chair sits behind the desk, so it’s decided that we’ll stand. Lily and Jonah Cruze look around the room nervously, their minds distracted with thoughts of their daughter and missing grandchild. ‘I understand you’ve just arrived back from Durban,’ I start. ‘How was the Sunshine and Friendly City?’ ‘It was lovely,’ Lily forces a smile. ‘We love escaping the Cold for a couple of months.’ ‘I bet,’ I return the smile. ‘I’ll try to make this quick, I know you want to get back to your daughter,; I pause, pulling out the notebook. ‘I just have a few things to go over.’ ‘Of course, anything we can do to help.’ Jonah says. I clear my throat, ‘I’m aware that you’ve been out of town for a little while. But prior to this, did you come here often to visit your daughter and her family?’ ‘We try to, yes,’ Lily smiles. ‘We live up in Delmas, which as you probably know, is about a three hours drive from here, but we try to come down as often as we can.’ I look up and meet her eyes. ‘Why did Danniella decide to move out here? Away from the family and hometown?’ ‘She just wanted a change. I think she was tired of the same - old routine, wanted to get away from Delmas. She found Davenmore, out and away from everything. A smaller, quaint place. She loved it.’ ‘I’m assuming you’re close with Danniella?’ ‘Yes, of course. She’s our baby. Our only girl. We’ve always been very close with her.’ Lily explains. ‘And what about your sons? I understand you have two.’ ‘Liam and Collin,’ Jonah says. ‘We were closer when the kids were young, but ounce they grew up…everyone just grows apart, eventually.’ ‘Liam’s the baby of the family.’ Lily takes over. ‘He and his wife moved out to Springbok years ago. They have two children now, Sophie and Clayton.’ ‘But he doesn’t speak with us.’ Jonah adds. I eye him, remembering what Collin told me earlier this morning. ‘Is there any particular reason?’ Lily smiles gently. ‘Liam just doesn’t see eye to eye with us. It happens.’ ‘Are you close with your other son?’ ‘Yes, fortunately,’ Lily says. ‘He and his wife, Jada, live in Delmas as well, so we’re able to see them often. We’ve been trying to come see Danny and Emerald since she was born. The first months are the most important.’ ‘And how did you feel about your daughter’s condition after the birth of Emerald?’ Lily and Jonah turn to each other, then, exchanging expressions. ‘It was difficult,’ Jonah finally speaks. ‘Seeing her like that. It was heartbreaking.’ ‘Were you aware that Danniella didn’t want children?’ Again, a long pause. ‘Danny always made it abundantly clear that she never intended on having children,’ Lily explains. ‘But people grow up, they change their minds. I knew she would have children eventually. We were so happy when we found out about the pregnancy. A third grandchild - what more can grandparents ask for?’ ‘Was there any particular reason that Danniella didn’t want kids? Or was it just a phase you think she simply grew out of?’ ‘She, um,’ Lily hesitates, turns to her husband again. I watch them carefully. She’s seeking approval. Of what, I’m not sure. Jonah nods his head. ‘Tell him,’ Lily keeps her eyes locked on her husband, her mouth beginning to tremble slightly. Then finally, she returns her eyes to mine. ‘There was an incident,’ she says. ‘When Danny was a child. Only eleven years old.’ ‘What kind of incident?’ Just like that, she begins to cry. She squeezes her eyes closed and tears stream down her cheeks. I turn around, searching the desk for a tissue box. I find one, grab it, and hand it to her. She grabs a tissue and begins dabbing her eyes, blows her nose. I wait patiently, allowing her to take her time. Something happened. And whatever it is, it’s bad. After a few moments of calming herself down and Jonah rubbing her back, reassuring her, Lily is ready to speak. ‘When the kids were young,’ she begins. ‘There was this boy who lived on our street. He was a couple years older than Collin, so maybe fourteen of fifteen at the time?’ she turns to her husband to confirm. ‘His name was Immanuel. The kids called him Manny. Liam didn’t play with them, he was only nine at the time. But Danny and Collin would play with him and some of the other kids. You know, go swimming in the summer time, ride their bicycles to the park, the regular stuff. But then, something happened with him and Danny. We Didn’t find out until much later, when she began acting strange.’ ‘Strange how?’ ‘She didn’t want to leave the house or go to school, It was very odd because she was such a friendly, outgoing kid who loved seeing other people. But this sudden change - it worried us.’ She stops and turns to her husband, signalling him to take over. ‘We took her to see a child psychologist.’ Jonah begins. ‘After multiple assessments, he told us that he believed Danny was being, or had been, sexually abuses.’ He pauses, as if to let this information sink in. ‘We were shocked. Outraged. We Didn’t believe it at first. We wondered how such a thing could be possible and who could be doing that to our daughter. Someone at school? A teacher perhaps?’ he pauses again, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. ‘It took a while to figure it out, but eventually we discovered that it was Immanuel. Danny would never say his name, and we began putting together the pieces from what Collin would tell us about their play - time and what some of their kids in the neighbourhood were saying. Although Danny has never spoken a word to us about it to this day, she did confirm a couple of months afterwards with her psychiatrist that it was indeed Immanuel. He would make her do things…’ he stops, closes his eyes. ‘That’s fine, thank you,’ I say to spare him from reliving the gruesome details. I look down and jot his words into point form. ‘The psychiatrists said she was suffering from PTSD,’ he continues. ‘This lasted a few months. We thought she was never going to be herself again. But eventually, she returned to the same old Danny we knew and loved. It was almost as if she forgot about the incident entirely. She pushed it so far back into her subconscious, almost viewing it from a third person perspective, as though it didn’t happen to her, but rather, someone she knew, or a character she watched on television. Like I said, she never talked about it again. But,’ she stops, ‘She began suffering from minor blackouts.’ ‘Blackouts?’ ‘Yes. She would block out certain periods of time, The teacher’s noticed that she would suddenly gain a sort of consciousness and not remember where she was or what had happened in the past hour. She would have gaps in her memories, forgetting major events, like her brother’s soccer tournaments or a school test. She didn’t even remember writing them. ‘Again, we went back to the psychiatrist and he said that, in difficult situations, memories or experiences as a coping mechanism, to deal with the pain. She learned to subconsciously block out specific experiences, sometimes bad ones, and sometimes arbitrary ones, She most likely has gaps in her childhood that she doesn’t even know are missing, because to her, they never existed in the first place….’ TO BE CONTINUED…