FAITH & HOPE 52

FAITH It was like she had an epiphany. She was standing in the shower, washing her hair, when it came to her. But it wasn’t an epiphany. It was a realization. She turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and ran to her bedroom. She began pacing, thinking, racking her brain. This was stupid - the most trivial thing in the world. She had been sulking and suffering for weeks, and for what? Sacrifice? Love? No, that wasn’t good enough. Those weren’t the excuses that the old Faith would accept. She realized that this little game they were playing wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t Hope’s fault, it was all Faith’s. She had been the one to end it. She had tried to be the bigger person. But suddenly, she realized that she didn’t want to be the bigger person. She didn’t want to sacrifice her love for Hope. She still wanted her. She still loved her. And she wanted her more than anything in the world. Faith would always look back on that day and wonder why it took her so long to come to this conclusion. Why she had waited so long, being stubborn and immature, only to prolong what she knew all along, that she and Hope belonged together. She had never met anyone like Hope. She didn’t bond with anyone else like she did with Hope. And although they argued and fought and disagreed about everything, she knew deep down that their connection was magnetic, something she had never experienced with anyone else. She couldn’t predict the future, and she was unsure of what tomorrow would bring. But Faith realized that none of that mattered. Not the past, not the future, but the present. The current moment was all that mattered, and it was all that they had. So rather than spending it separately, they needed to spend it together. Faith called Hope’s house but there was no answer. She called again and again. She called all day until six o’clock that night when Hope’s mother finally picked up the phone. ‘Hello?’ ‘Mrs, Chamberlain, hi, it’s me, Faith.’ ‘Oh,’ The cadence of her voice changed. ‘Hello Faith. What can I do for you?’ ‘Is Hope there?’ The line was quiet for a moment. Then Joana said, ‘You Don’t know?’ ‘Don’t know what?’ ‘Hope is not available at the moment. She’s in Ashton. At a facility.’ ‘A facility? For what?’ Joana paused. ‘Treating people. Like you.’ Faith was confused. ‘What are you talking about? You sent Hope away? To a conversion camp?’ ‘It’s not a camp,’ Joana said. ‘It’s a facility meant to treat her. She will be cured young lady. And when my daughter returns, she will have no contact with you whatsoever.’ Faith was rendered speechless. She had no idea what to say. She felt the phone drop from her hand and hit the floor. This couldn’t be happening. She had to be dreaming. Faith pinched her skin and cried out in pain. They really did it. Hope’s parents sent her away. To a fucking gay conversion centre. What the fuck was wrong with them? How could they not see how fucked up that was!? Faith ran to her bedroom and for the first time in a long time, she cried. She cried because there was nothing that she could do. She cried because of the irony of it all. Her realization had come too late. She loved her, but she’d missed her opportunity. There was nothing she could do to help her. She couldn’t save her. And that hurt her more than anything. Only if she had tried to reach out to her sooner … perhaps things could have been different. Nothing would be the same after this. Because even if Hope did survive the immense torture that was inflicted on homosexuals in gay conversion facilities, she would never be the same. And most importantly of all, she would never be allowed to see Faith again. How would they ever be together? How would they ever get the chance to talk about their problems and work through their differences? There was nothing their Faith could do. Nothing she could do at all. And it broke her. HOPE She had been there for three weeks. It was Tuesday evening when Hope spotted the calendar on the wall in the office and realized what day it was. She kept her eyes focused on the doctor in front of her and relayed the same rehearsed lines that she did every other day. ‘I feel good,’ she said to him. ‘Better. I no longer have the urges that I did before. I no longer think about women or females. I think about my boyfriend, Matthew, who I love deeply and feel remorse and regret for hurting.’ ‘If Matthew was here right now,’ Doctor Crawford said, ‘What would you say to him?’ Hope took in a breath. ‘I’d tell him that I was sorry. I was so stupid and selfish before. And I was in denial. I couldn’t see that there was something internally wrong with me. With my mind. But now I see it. I have found the light again and am on the pathway back to God. I just pray that He will forgive me.’ ‘He forgives all, Hope. And now that you have seen the error of your ways, He is willing to guide you and accept you once again.’ ‘Will Matthew ever find it in his heart to forgive me?’ ‘Of course. If Matthew knows God, then he knows forgiveness and repent. He will accept you into his heart once again.’ Hope forced herself to smile. ‘Good. I cannot wait to be with him again. I’ve missed him so much.’ ‘I’m glad. You’ve made so much progress here in such a short time. Your family will be excited to see you again.’ ‘When do you think I’ll be able to go?’ Hope asked, then cursed herself for seeming too eager. ‘I mean, I want to be cured and get better. But I’m also looking forward to seeing my family again.’ Doctor Crawford considered this. ‘I’d say within the next week or so. Maybe two. We’ll have to see.’ Hope smiled and nodded, feigning the same politeness that she had been using with him for the past three weeks. Unfortunately, a week or two until her release wasn’t good enough. Hope needed to get out of that place. Tonight. She sat with Alistair at supper, stabbing her fork into her salad and shoving it into her mouth. She was on edge, eyes darting around the room, anxious that someone might be watching her. ‘You okay there?’ Alistair laughed, noticing her aggressive salad - eating. ‘What?’ Hope stopped and met his eyes. ‘I’m fine. Why?’ ‘You seem agitated, that’s all.’ ‘Oh,’ She tried to stop and calm herself down. ‘Alistair,’ she said, looking up and meeting his eyes. ‘Yes?’ ‘How do I get out of here?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I mean exactly that. I’m going to break out. Escape. Whatever you want to call it.’ His eyes widened, but a smile quickly found its way to his face. ‘No way. What make you want to break out all of a sudden?’ ‘I have somewhere I need to be.’ ‘I see.’ ‘So are you going to help me or not?’ He looked around the room, surveying the patients and the staff. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘But I’m not coming with you.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘I’m not coming with you.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘I’m not in any rush to go back home. I fucking hate my parents. And I have nowhere else to go.’ Her heart ached for Alistair. ‘What can I do?’ she said. ‘To help you.’ He smiled at her. ‘There’s nothing you can do. But Don’t worry about me - I’ll be fine.’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Of course. Now, let’s focus on getting you out of here.’ It was close to midnight by the time Hope finally made it out of Ashton Centre for Reparative Therapy. It wasn’t an easy task, but she had done it. And now, she was outside, breathing in the cool, fresh air, feeling the grass beneath her feet. Her escape wouldn’t have been possible without Alistair. After supper, he put on quite the show, pretending to choke on his chicken salad until the staff swarmed him, holding him down as they performed First Aid and CPR. Luckily, Alistair was able to grab a set of keys off the nurse who was pumping his chest, and once he was cleared and good to go, he slipped them to Hope. She kept the keys underneath her shirt and walked with caution. Her body was electrified with nerves and she believed that at any moment, someone was going to realize what she was doing and take her away to punish her. She knew all too well how that would turn out. But no one came for her. No one even looked in her direction or said anything. So she went back to her room alone, and when the nurse locked her door and said goodnight, Hope smiled and waved as she left. She waited until it was dark and everyone was asleep. Then she waited even longer. There was no clock in her room, and she didn’t have a watch. It wasn’t until she was tip- toeing past the front desk that she caught the time on the wall and realized it was almost midnight. Once she was successfully outside, she ditched the keys in a nearby bush and ran for her life. She had no idea what she was going to do now, her plan hadn’t taken her that far. She didn’t even think she’d be able to make it out of the facility, let alone back to Willows. But she had. She had made it out. And now she didn’t know what to do. Ashton was a two hour drive from Willows. She would need to find a ride back somehow. The only problem was, she didn’t have any of her belongings on her, which meant no money. She couldn’t catch a bus or train, which left the only other option. Hitchhiking…. People did it all the time, And it was safe around here. All she had to do was flag down the right car, find a suitable person, and the rest would come easily. Surely there would be someone driving in the direction of Willows tonight. There had to be. Her life kind of depended on it. Once she was far enough away from the property, she slowed her pace and began walking along the side of the road. It was dark out, the only form of light coming from the moon. It was quiet too. Quiet like Willows always was. She was used to the quiet. It became her solace. A few minutes later, she heard a car approaching. She stuck out her thumb and hoped for the best. The car didn’t even slow down. It just continued driving down the road, Passed Hope and farther into the distance. She sighed, but didn’t lose hope. Another one would come along eventually. And then she would be on her way home. She closed her eyes and recited a prayer, then asked God for some assistance. ‘Dear God,’ she said aloud. ’I know we haven’t been on the best of terms as of late, but right now, I really need your help. Please, give me guidance. Provide me with the courage and strength I need to make it home. Please show me a sign. Give me anything you can to allow me to make it home safe and sound tonight.’ Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an approaching engine. Hope quickly turned her head and saw headlights in the distance, coming her way. A smile engulfed her face. God had heard her! He had answered her prayers! And now she had a way home. Now she could do what she needed to do. She stepped out onto the road and began waving her arms frantically, jumping up and down so that the car driver could see her, ensuring she wouldn’t be missed and forgotten about like the last time. This was it, she thought. It was really happening. She had finally made it. And from this point on, things were only going up.

FAITH Faith awoke on Wednesday morning feeling groggy and tired. She had spent the night tucked away in bed, crying and feeling her heart ache for Hope. She couldn’t stop thinking about how they were treating her, what she was going through, how scared and alone she must feel. But it was a new day. She needed to get up and go to school. Continue on pretending that everything was okay, despite what day it was. Faith went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. When she looked up and glanced at her reflection, she didn’t recognize the girl staring back. Her face was pale and her eyes were bloodshot. She was a mess. Her exterior matched how she was feeling internally. She made her way down the stairs. When she arrived in the kitchen, she was taken back. There, covering the table, was an array of balloons and presents. ‘Happy Birthday!’ her mother yelled as Faith entered the kitchen. ‘Thanks.’ ‘Oh, honey, come here,’ her mother walked towards her and hugged her tightly. ‘I know things haven’t been the best for you lately, but try to be happy. Just for today. Okay?’ Faith nodded. ‘Now come on and eat,’ Claudia ushered her towards the table. ‘I made pancakes.’ After she finished eating breakfast, Faith asked her mother for a particular birthday gift, to stay home from school. Claudia hesitated, weighing out her options, but ultimately said yes. Under normal circumstances Claudia would have forced her daughter to go to school. But it was only the second week. And it was the least she could do for her birthday. The elephant in the room that no one dared speak about - which was Faith’s mood as of late - was a major determining factor in Claudia’s decision. She had seen her daughter’s disposition decline drastically over the last few weeks and it made her feel hopeless. She thought, maybe this one small favour - staying home from school on her birthday - would make her feel better. Claudia clung to Faith that morning, suffocating her in ways that only a mother could. She brought out the photo albums, talked about the day Faith was born. ‘I can’t believe you’re already seventeen!’ But after a while, it became apparent that all Faith wanted to do was be alone. So Claudia left her to it, allowing her to sequester herself in her bedroom for the remainder of the day. Faith sat on her bed and contemplated her existence. She thought about her life and all of her years up until this point. All of the people she knew (and didn’t know), all of the places she’d been, the things she’d seen, opportunities (and lack of) that she had. She was seventeen now, Only one more year until she was legally an adult. And then she could make her own decisions. Do whatever she pleased. Move wherever she wanted. But all of those things seemed like something of a very distant future, a future that Faith couldn’t picture quite clearly. It was like looking through fogged glasses. She could get a rough idea of what it looked like, but even when she squinted hard, she couldn’t quite make it out. She tried to think about her childhood, what her birthdays were like back then, She remembered sitting on the couch, squished between Donny and Grace. She and her sister used to dress Donny up and pretend he was a girl. They even got into their mother’s make up stash once and decorated his entire face. Their father wasn’t impressed, to say the least. Claudia made homemade cakes every year for each of their birthdays. Faith loved The Little Mermaid, so her cakes were always ocean themed with images of Ariel, Sebastian the crab and Flounder. She remembered the singing, the dancing, the family and friends who came to visit. She remembered feeling happy, content even. When you’re a kid, birthdays are the greatest day of the entire year. You look forward to it all year long, anticipating the joy and the presents, the idea of turning another year older. But now, at only seventeen, Faith was wishing that she could slow down time. She didn’t want to age, didn’t want to grow up and get old. How could her thoughts be such an oxymoron? How could she long for the future, yet resent it simultaneously? Perhaps what she wanted was not the future, but another time, another life. She wanted to stay young and seventeen forever, but she also wanted the freedom and responsibility that came with being an adult. She didn’t want to grow up. Faith also realized that there was nothing special about birthdays whatsoever. So what - she was pushed out of her mother’s vagina on this day seventeen years ago - big Whoop - Whoop! It’s not like she did anything memorable or worthwhile. If anything, it was her mother who needed to be celebrated on this day. It was her mother who went through all the work of bringing her into this word. All Faith did was exist. And nothing inherently good came ever since then. She was being cynical, she knew this. And yet, she couldn’t stop the thoughts form coming. Couldn’t stop the constant noise that radiated from inside of her brain. She thought of Hope, what Hope would say if she was here. What Hope would do. Hope would agree. She’d say that Faith was being a cynical pessimist and that she needed to lighten up. ‘It’s your birthday!’ Hope would say. ‘Have some cake and celebrate!’ Could Faith try to do that? Enjoy her special day and not think about the negatives? If anything, she could try. And she would try for Hope. After lunch, Faith opened some presents. Her mother had gotten her some new clothes, a comfier chair for her desk, and a set of bookends for her bookshelf. She also received cards full of well - wishes and money from relatives. And a pink envelope with familiar hand writing. She opened the card it was from Hope….But how? ‘Nanna and Poppa are coming up this weekend,’ Claudia explained. ‘They look forward to seeing you both.’ Faith opened her gift bag from Donny. She pulled out a bottle of tequila, a black scarf and a set of sketching pencils. Her eyes lit up and she turned to her brother. ‘Thank you,’ she said to him, ‘I love it.’ And she truly meant it. It was a gift that proved her brother knew her. It wasn’t just a bunch of things that someone chucked together last minute, or an expensive gift that someone believed was worthy but meant nothing. It was a gift that said. I know you. I love you and accept you. There was a video of Faith as a baby and Donny as a toddler. Donny wandered over to Faith to say hello, and she threw her toy at his head. Donny began crying and ran off. There was another clip of Donny heading over to baby Faith, yet again, only to have her whack him in the face with both hands when he got too close. ‘Some things never change,’ Faith winked at him. ‘Yeah, you’re still a little shit, since the day you were born.’ The telephone rang and Claudia excused herself from the living room, placing the bowl of popcorn in Donny’s lap and heading into the kitchen. ‘I don’t recall you ever being a terrible child,’ Faith said. ‘But then again, I was younger than you.’ ‘What do you remember?’ ‘Not much. My earliest memories are from when I was five and six. And they’re mostly of spending time with Grace.’ ‘The days before you came along were wonderful,’ Donny said. ‘Grace and I had so much fun.’ ‘Shut up, there was only a year and a half before I was there too.’ ‘Still,’ he laughed. ‘It was great.’ ‘Yeah right,’ Faith threw a pillow at him. Just then, Claudia returned to the living room, but something was different. All Faith could remember from that moment was that Donny was about to throw the pillow back at her, but they both stopped, as though the air in the room had changed. Faith looked at her mother and she knew, in that moment, that something was wrong. What she didn’t know, however, was that her world was about to change.

FAITH They drove to the hospital, Claudia speeding the entire way there. Faith couldn’t think clearly. Couldn’t breathe. Everything was spinning and she felt like she was going to be sick. She rolled down her window and tried to gasp for air, but even with her mouth wide open, lungs inhaling oxygen, she still felt as though she was suffocating. It took them 1hr 30min to get to St John’s Hospital in Ashton. Claudia parked the car and Faith threw open the door, running through the parking lot and through the front doors of the building. She looked around in a panic, searching for someone who could help her out. But no one was there to do such a thing. Claudia and Donny came in after her, rushing to Faith and trying to calm her down. ‘Where is she?’ Faith yelled in a panic. ‘Where is she?’ Donny took Faith over to the chairs to sit while Claudia went to the reception desk and inquired. She returned minutes later, saying that Hope was on the fourth floor, in the ICU. Faith tried to bolt from them, but Donny held her arm tightly. He wouldn’t let her out or his sight. They made it to the fourth floor and searched frantically for Hope’s room number. Once they arrived there, the door was open, Gabriel and Joana seated beside their daughter’s hospital bed. The first thing that Faith noticed upon entering the room was that the blinds were open and bouquets of flowers lined the tables. The second thing she noticed was that Hope’s eyes were closed and she looked like Sleeping Beauty, with a tube in her mouth. Faith rushed over to the side of the bed and grabbed Hope’s hand, ignoring the glares that the Chamberlain’s were giving her. ‘Hope,’ she said desperately, ‘Please wake up.’ Gabriel and Joana stared at Faith, thinking horrendous thoughts, but not saying a word. ‘Hope,’ Faith repeated. ‘Please. Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.’ Hope squeezed her hand slightly. Acknowledging her presence. ‘She cant hear you.’ Joana said. ‘She’s in a coma.’ ‘But she squeezed my hand!!’ Faith responded. Faith looked up and met her eyes. She saw this woman and despised her with everything in her entire body. She wanted to yell, scream, cry. ‘This is all your fault,’ Faith found herself saying. ‘You know that, right?’ ‘How dare you?’ Gabriel stood and Joana quickly grabbed his hand to pull him back down. ‘Faith’ Claudia said sternly. ‘Let’s give them some space.’ ‘No,’ Faith said, standing up straight and releasing Hope’s hand. ‘She squeezed my hand, Mom! No, they need to know, This is their fault. Hope wouldn’t have been in fucking Ashton at that Fucking facility if it wasn’t for them.’ ‘Oh, on the contrary,’ Gabriel said. ‘I believe she was at that facility because of you.’ ‘What is he talking about?’ Claudia asked, looking between them. Donny stood there staring at his sister and the Chamberlain’s. ‘Mom, let’s go,’ he tried to pull her out. ‘No,’ Claudia pulled away from her son and stared at Faith. ‘You two are horrible people,’ Faith continued. ‘When she wakes up, she will never forgive you.’ ‘IF she wakes up,’ Joana said, tears forming in her eyes. ‘She’s on life support. All we can do is pray.’ ‘Fuck your prayers,’ Faith said. ‘You should have accepted her for who she was rather than trying to change her. I swear to God, if anything happens to her… that’s on you. I hope you can live with that.’ They sat in the waiting area for a long time, Claudia and Donny staring at Faith, waiting for an answer. Faith was fuming. Her entire body was shaking and all she wanted to do was hurt someone. The Chamberlain’s, in particular. ‘Well?’ Claudia said, staring at her daughter. ‘What the hell is going on?’ Faith took in a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for the words that would change everything. ‘I’m gay,’ she finally said. ‘Bisexual, actually. And Hope and I, well…’ Claudia’s eyes widened. ‘What?’ ‘I’m not repeating it.’ ‘Hope is gay too?’ Donny gawked. ‘She’s bisexual as well I guess. I don’t know. We both didn’t know. Until, like, the end of November.’ Donny and Claudia sat there in silence, not knowing how to process this information. ‘Are you sure?’ Claudia asked. ‘Yes, mom, I’m sure. Why do you think I broke up with Sebastian?’ Donny nodded slowly, ‘It all makes sense now.’ ‘Yeah,’ Faith said. ‘Spending so much time together,’ he said. ‘We thought it was odd that you developed such a close friendship that quickly. Especially with a girl. But then again, we thought you two were just friends.’ ‘We’re more than friends,’ Faith said. ‘I’m in love with her.’ ‘And I’m assuming her parents know.’ Claudia said. ‘Obviously. You want to know what they did when they found out? They sent her to one of those gay - conversion facilities.’ Claudia looked appalled again. ‘That’s horrible.’ ‘I know. And I don’t even know what happened. How did she get hit by a car if she was at the facility. She sent me a birthday card, She remembered my birthday.’ Neither of them said anything. ‘It’s just so fucked up,’ Faith continued. ‘This is their fault. None of this would have happened if they had never sent her away.’ They waited around for hours. Faith didn’t even think about the fact that it was her birthday. None of that mattered anymore. All she wanted was for Hope to be okay. She even prayed, together with her brother and mother, for Hope to pull through and be alright. The hours passed slowly. Faith watched as people came and went, entering the hospital, then leaving again. She saw people crying tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Her heart ached and her stomach felt nauseous. The waiting was the worst part. She wished that she could go in there and see Hope. Be with her, hold her hand, anything. It angered Faith that instead of her being in there with Hope, Joana and Gabriel would be there, watching over their daughter, when it was them who were responsible for her even being in that state. It was nearly seven o’clock when Claudia went to the cafeteria and got them all sandwiches and water. Donny devoured his, chugging his water bottle afterwards and Claudia nibbled on hers methodically. Faith didn’t bother touching hers. She knew she wouldn’t be able to eat. Her stomach was in knots and if she had a single bite of food, she feared she’d throw up everywhere. Nine o’clock passed and there was still no news. Faith flipped through a magazine, trying to distract herself, thinking of thoughts other than Hope, but it proved to be impossible. She thought about everything they had ever done together, every word they had ever exchanged. She thought about the good times, the happy times. But she also thought about the bad. And she hated herself so much. She resented the fact that she had pushed Hope away, forced her to do the unthinkable, which ended up leading her to that fucking facility. If only things had been different. If only Faith had stayed with Hope that night at the lake instead of walking away. Held her hand and made sure that she was okay. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe the Chamberlain’s were right. What if all of this was Faith’s fault.? It was nine - thirty when the doctor finally came out. Faith wasn’t expecting anyone, seeing as they had been there nearly all day with no - news. She almost thought no one was coming at all. But then he came. He was wearing navy blue scrubs, holding something in his hands. Faith couldn’t quite identify what it was. He walked towards them and Claudia looked up first, meeting his eyes. She nudged Faith, who was beginning to dose off, and she and Donny both sat up straight, waiting for the news. All Faith remembered after that was the shake of his head. It came in slow motion. His mouth was open - words must have been coming out - but Faith didn’t hear any of them. It was just that simple head shake that was enough to put her over the edge. And after that, everything went dark….