FAITH & HOPE 50

HOPE Nothing was the same after that. Hope never knew what it was like to experience true heartbreak until the night that Faith broke hers. She always assumed that her life would be simple and unproblematic. She would marry Matthew, they would have their careers, raise their children, and there would never be anything to contemplate. Oh how ignorant she was. She was just a child for goodness sakes. She didn’t know anything about the world. About the problems and tragedies that occurred on a daily basis. She didn’t think about heartbreak or consequences - she only saw the good. She only ever saw the good, in both the people and the world. How ignorant that ideology had been. How unfortunate that her parents had raised her to be so kind - hearted and good, never quite knowing how to deal with the dangers she would one day face. That night at the lake broke her. It took her places she never knew she could go. And they were so low, those places. So low and dark and deep that she truly believed she would never escape from it. Never believed that she could find the light or the happiness again. She spent her days crying, alone in her room with the door locked. Her parents thought that she was going through something, but what that was exactly, they didn’t know. Perhaps they assumed she was finally seeing the error of her ways, realizing her foolish mistakes, finding her path back to Matthew. Let them think that, Hope thought. She couldn’t care what they believed. She couldn’t care about anything. January arrived like an unwelcome hug. Quite ironically, it was raining that first day, which only added to Hope’s depression. She couldn’t get her mind off of Faith, couldn’t free herself from the thoughts in which she had imprisoned herself. Every waking moment was spent thinking about Faith, thinking about everything they’d been through and finally, thinking about how she had simply ended it like it was nothing. As though Hope and their time together truly meant nothing. Her heart was heavy and her stomach was ill. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t drink, she could hardly breathe. All she wanted to do was lay there and die. Is this how all heart break feels? She thought to herself. Because if that is the case, then I never want to love again. It’s not worth it, she thought. Not worth the pain and the suffering. But deep down, she knew that wasn’t true. She knew that she was only lying to herself to make the truth easier to bare. Because the truth of the matter was this, loving Faith was the best thing that could have ever happened to Hope. It changed her life for the better, opened new doors and showed her new possibilities. She didn’t know she could have such a different outlook on life. She didn’t know it was possible to laugh and love another person so much. Loving Faith was so different than loving Matthew. And it only became clear to Hope then, lying in bed, thinking of the both of them. And that was when she knew the Truth. What she had with Matthew was not real. It was an illusion. A very beautiful, reassuring illusion that made Hope and everyone around her feel safe and good and special. But alas, an illusion nonetheless. And Hope knew deep down in her heart that she couldn’t simply stay with Matthew because he was her supposed soul mate, or because they had promise rings or because everyone in Willows was expecting them to wed in a year. No, she couldn’t stay with him, because her heart belonged to somebody else. And no one, not even Matthew, could ever replace that. FAITH She spent the days contemplating whether she made the right decision or not. But quite frankly, expecting to come to any conclusion of sorts was next to impossible. She would never truly know. She felt more alone than she ever had before. Not only was Sebastian gone, but now so was Hope. The one person she felt connected to like no other. The one person she could run to and spill her guts to. The one person who believed in her, who truly knew her like no other, And Faith had pushed her away. It was for the best, Faith told herself. But even she wasn’t stupid enough to believe that lie. She tried to reason with herself, convince herself that she had done the right thing. But nowhere in her own heart could she accept that. Maybe it was the best thing for Hope, but not for Faith. But that’s what love was, after all, wasn’t it? Sacrificing yourself for the sake of somebody else. Putting your own happiness on the line just for the other person. Faith knew that she was trouble, knew that she was no good for Hope. And Hope deserved better than that. She deserved someone who could love and care for her. Someone who she could love and care for her. Someone who she could marry and provide her with children. What Hope needed was Matthew, and Faith didn’t want to stand in the way of that. She loved her. Oh, did Faith ever love Hope. But sometimes love wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for Hope and Faith knew that. Faith didn’t think about Wedding Gowns and baby names. She didn’t even think about her own future, let alone a future with someone else. And to Hope, the future was everything. Planning was everything. Counting down the days was everything. And that was why things could never work between them. Because Faith knew that she would never be enough. She would never be worth the risk, worth the sacrifice. She skipped out on another weekend of visiting her father and instead chose to spend the weekend in bed. School was beginning in only a few short day and Faith was anything but prepared. In fact, she didn’t even want to go. She contemplated the ways that she could somehow get out of going. Break her leg? Slit her wrists? They were likely possibilities. She went through bottle after bottle of whatever she could find in her mother’s cabinets. She gave her brother money and begged him to pick her up something - anything - from the liquor store. She went through her stash of dagga and physically felt the emptiness when the bag ran dry. How else was she supposed to numb the pain? How else would she cope with the immense loss and heartbreak that she was experiencing? She needed intoxication. She needed distraction. She needed to think about anything other than Hope. But Faith would learn soon enough that the task itself was next to impossible. HOPE The first few days of school went by in a blur. Under normal circumstances, Hope was ecstatic about this time of year. She would be organizing her notebooks, sharpening her pencils and colour coordinating her closet. But this year, she walked through life in a daze, never really paying attention to anything or anyone. When her teacher spoke, she found it difficult to pay attention. Her eyes were red and sore from crying at night, Her throat had become dry and raspy and yet somehow, no one seemed to be concerned. Oh, it’s only Hope, I’m sure she’ll be just fine. And sure enough, those two weeks she had promised her parents were up. They would expect her to be back together with Matthew by now, slipping on her promise ring and falling back into his arms. Unfortunately for them, she had other plans in mind. His parents were out that day and Hope felt thankful for this fact alone, allowing them the privacy she needed. They sat at his kitchen table, a box of tissues and two glasses of water between them, He was staring at her intently, waiting for her to start. Hope picked at her finger nail, then cleared her throat and sat up straighter, preparing herself for what was to come. ‘I’m not going to beat around the bush with this,’ she began. ‘I cannot be with you anymore.’ He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. ‘And before you interrupt, just let me finish. I love you dearly. I truly do. And these last three years have been the best years of my life, so please, don’t ever think otherwise,’ she paused to gather her thoughts. ‘But just can’t do it anymore. I’ve realized now that we cannot be together.’ She was fully aware of how she sounded. She sounded just like Faith. It made her heart ache even more. For she was doing to Matthew what Faith had done to her. ‘Hope, what are you talking about? I thought you came here to apologize? To get back together with me?’ ‘I know. And I’m sorry that you thought that. I’m sorry that my parents thought that. But in all honesty, this isn’t their decision to make. It’s mine.’ ‘I don’t understand.’ Matthew said, perplexed. ‘What happened? What changed?’ Hope took in a deep breath, preparing for the words that would change her life as she knew it. ‘I’m in love with somebody else.’ Matthew’s face contorted. ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘While we were together, I fell in love with someone else.’ ‘Who?’ he gaped. ‘Is it Tommy Mcbride? I know he’s always had a thing for you -’ ‘It’s not Tommy,’ Hope said calmly. ‘It’s Faith.’ She watched as his face transformed from confusion to even more confusion. ‘Faith? What? But she’s your best friend?’ ‘And I love her.’ ‘As a friend.’ ‘As a friend…!!' ‘No. Matthew, you’re not understanding,’ Hope said slowly. ‘I am in love with Faith.’ He stared at her again. ‘What are you saying? You have feelings for her? For a girl?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘That’s insane,’ he sat back in his chair. ‘You’re not gay.’ ‘I’m bisexual,’ she said, remaining composure. ‘I believe that I have feelings for both males and females. Hence why I was in love with you. But also how I was able to fall in love with Faith.’ He was breathing heavily through his nostrils, eyes darting everywhere. ‘But,’ he stuttered. ‘You Can’t be gay. You Can’t be homosexual. That’s a sin, Hope. Do you know what God will think?’ ‘I do,’ she said. ‘And quite frankly, I don’t care. Because if God cannot accept me for who I am, then I don’t want to be accepted by him.’ ‘You’re out of your mind,’ he told her. ‘What has happened to you? What has that girl done to you?’ ‘She’s shown me who I truly am, Matthew. Something you could never do.’ ‘You Don’t know what you’re talking about.’ ‘I do,’ ‘You’ve truly gone mad.’ ‘Stop,’ she said sternly. ‘Stop disregarding my feelings. Stop treating me like I’m some idiot who doesn’t know how to think for myself.’ ‘But you don’t!’ he nearly yelled. ‘You Don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re clearly having a psychotic break. You need help, Hope.’ ‘I don’t’ ‘You do. You’re either mentally incompetent, or you’re experiencing some kind of delusion where you believe that you are gay, and in both cases, you need psychiatric help.’ ‘You’ll never understand. And I don’t expect you to, But please, stop acting like you do.’ ‘I will help you, Hope,’ he leaned forward and grabbed her hands. ‘I promise you. I will get you help you need.’ She pulled away from his grasp. ‘I don’t want your help, I don’t need help.’ He stared at her, carefully studying her. ‘Okay,’ he nodded. ‘Okay.’ She nodded her head and then stood slowly. ‘I hope we can still be friends,’ she said. He put on a small smile and nodded. ‘Me too…’ FAITH Faith was sitting at her desk in her room, going over her notes from the day’s schoolwork. It had been difficult at first, trying to get back in the swing of things, focusing on school and trying not to breakdown every moment. But alas, she could finally breathe again. School would be good for her. It was a good distraction. She was finally able to think about something other than Hope. Her mother was doing well. She was happy and thriving. Other than the week Faith had spent in bed, Claudia never suspected anything was the matter. This was most likely due to the fact that she was too preoccupied in her own life to truly even notice. But Faith was somehow okay with this. She wanted her mother to be happy. And quite frankly, Faith enjoyed going unnoticed. She enjoyed being alone. Being unbothered. Donny was beginning to look at places to live in the city near their father. He saved up quite a substantial amount of money from his summer job and was getting eager to move out and have a place of his own. This excited Faith, yet angered her at the same time, She wanted to be happy for her brother, but she envied him greatly. She longed for the day that she could move out on her own, make her own decisions and life choices without someone always monitoring or deciding for her. She just wanted to be done with school, done with Willows, done with everything. That first Friday back to school, Donny took Faith out for lunch. My treat, he said. It would be good for her to get out of the house and go somewhere other than school. To catch up with her brother since she felt as though she never saw him anymore. ‘So how was the first week?’ he asked, taking a sip of his soda. ‘It’s been good. Not bad actually.’ ‘How are the teachers?’ ‘Fine. My English teacher is really nice. Her name’s Mrs Appleton.’ ‘Have you made any friends yet?’ ‘Does it look like I’ve made friends?’ Donny laughed. ’I’m sure you’re bound to make some. And what about Hope? At least you have her.’ Faith made a face. ‘What? You Don’t like her anymore?’ ‘We’re not really speaking,’ Faith said, ‘Why?’ ‘Shit just got too complicated.’ ‘I’m not surprised. You’ve never really been one to keep friends.’ ‘Yeah,’ was all she said. She developed a routine. Wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, read, go to bed. It was healthy for her, therapeutic. She didn’t even need to speak to anyone. Not friends, not her mother. She enjoyed the solitude, enjoyed the time spent with her own thoughts. It gave her time to truly think and evaluate everything. Her life, what she wanted to do with it, It was all still very confusing and foreign to her - the concept of growing up - but she was starting to come to terms with it. Starting to accept that she would have to do it eventually. Maybe she’d even figure out what she wanted to be, what occupation or career would suit her best. She hoped that this semester at school could potentially provide her with some insights into this. And maybe, just maybe, she could even talk to a teacher. Ask them some questions, figure out what she wanted to do. Because at the end of the day, that’s all that mattered wasn’t it? The future. Your life. Not sulking about the past or crying over a girl who had your heart. It was about looking up and staying positive. Faith nearly laughed at herself. Who was she, thinking this way? She was truly becoming more like Hope than she ever thought possible…..