FAITH & HOPE 49

HOPE Hope sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours, but in reality, it had only been one. Faith had told her what was going to happen when she went in. The doctor would go over everything with her to make sure that she was one hundred percent sure, and then they would do the procedure. Hope tried to take deep breaths and keep herself calm. The last thing she wanted was for Faith to come out and find Hope shaking and angry. Hope needed to control herself. Control her emotions. She didn’t know what she was thinking when she showed up at Faith’s house, offering to come with her. She had only planned on going over there before camp to talk with her. But then Faith was leaving, and Hope had no other options. She needed to go with her. Needed to be there for her. Hope couldn’t lie, a large part of her was hoping - praying even - that Faith would change her mind and decide to keep the baby. Hope had said it to herself in her head on the drive over, and she continued to say it over and over while they waited in the waiting room. But it had been over forty minutes. Hope glanced at the clock and knew that Faith hadn’t changed her mind. The doctor would have gone over everything with her by now. And at this point in time, the procedure would already be long underway. FAITH Her hands were cold as ice. It often happened when she got nervous. Cold hands and a dry mouth. Faith sat in the chair facing the nurse and the doctor as they spoke. She was holding her left hand in her right, trying to stop it from shaking. ‘Are you alright?’ the doctor asked her. Faith only nodded. First, they went over any risks and possible complications. This included infection of the womb, some of the pregnancy remaining in the womb, excessive bleeding, as well as damage to the womb. ‘This is very rare,’ the nurse said regarding the last risk, ‘Damage to the womb only occurs in one in every two hundred and fifty to one thousand surgical abortions.’ They went over the mental health effects of having an abortion and asked Faith to go over the reasons why she wanted one. ‘I’m only sixteen,’ she said. ‘I’m not ready to have a baby. To be a mother.’ ‘But you believed you were old enough to have sex?’ the doctor said. It was condescending and ignorant, but Faith tried to hold her tongue and ignore it. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Sex is fine, as long as you’re doing it with the person you love and are using protection. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out too well for us.’ ‘And you’re not on any form of birth control?’ the nurse asked. ‘No, We just used condoms.’ ‘Does the father know about your appointment today?’ Faith didn’t hesitate. ‘Yes. He’s fine with it.’ ‘Okay,’ the nurse said, jotting something down. ‘We just have to make sure you understand the severity of this situation. If you believe that you are sure and understand all of the risks, we can proceed with the procedures.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘And finally,’ the nurse said. ‘Would you like to speak with a counsellor afterwards?’ Faith thought about this for a moment. ‘No.’ They took her into the room where they would perform the procedure. Faith had the option of staying awake or being put under general anaesthesia and so for obvious reasons, she chose the latter. She didn’t want to remember a thing about it. They told her that if she was put under, she wouldn’t be able to drive afterwards. Faith nodded and felt thankful for the first time that Hope had come. She could drive her home. Before the procedure, they did an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. The doctor asked Faith if she wanted to know how far along she was. She said no. After that, they prepared for the procedure. The mask went over Faith’s nose and mouth. They asked her to count down from ten. She got to seven. The remainder of the day was a bit of a blur to Faith. She remembered gaining consciousness, seeing the doctor and the nurse. They spoke to her, went over more things, made sure that she was okay to leave. They told her that she should take it easy for the rest of the day as she may experience some bleeding and to call the hospital if she experienced any other systems that were not normal. When she walked into the waiting room and saw Hope, she didn’t say a word. Just simply handed her the car keys and walked to the parking lot in silence. Hope helped Faith into the passenger seat, stared at her for a moment, then closed the door and got into the driver’s side. ‘Are you alright?’ Hope said quietly before she started the car, hands gripped on the steering wheel. ‘No, Yes. I don’t know.’ Hope stared at her. ‘Did you make the right decision?’ Faith didn’t make eye contact. ‘Yes.’ Thirty minutes of driving in silence. It was painfully awkward and all Faith wanted was to feel safe and comfortable after having such a life - altering experience. She wanted to turn to Hope and see her smile. Wanted to talk about nothing and laugh about everything. But Faith knew that wasn’t going to happen. Because something had changed between them, and that much was obvious. It scared Faith greatly because Hope had become someone that she could count on, rely on. Someone to talk to and tell all of her problems and secrets to. But this was one secret that had come between them. And Faith didn’t know if things would ever be the same again. HOPE Days went by without speaking to Faith. It was the final week of summer. Seven more days until school began. All Hope wanted was her best friend back. She wanted to meet at their spot by the lake, drink iced - teas and get philosophical. She wanted to go back - to - school shopping with her, help her pick out a binder and a new set of pencils, because God only knew that Faith wouldn’t have a clue what to buy for the new school year. There was an ache that emanated from deep inside of her. The vacancy, the loss, the withdrawal. The hollow emptiness that took up occupation where Faith used to be. And despite her prior anger and resentment towards Faith and her decision, Hope couldn’t help but miss her. couldn’t help but lay in bed at night, crying herself to sleep, because all she wanted to do was forgive her. Hope wasn’t being selfish. She justified her actions by telling herself that she had every right to be angry with Faith, She had made a drastic decision that wasn’t just her decision to make. Faith wasn’t thinking clearly. She was the one being selfish, not Hope. And she needed Faith to understand this. To come to terms with this reality. But at the same time, Hope tried to search in her heart to resonate with Faith and understand where she was coming from. Okay, she was young, yes. And Hope could understand that she didn’t want to be a mother or raise a child. But Hope’s mind kept returning to the idea of adoption. It was such a perfect solution, how could Faith not see that? The anger rose up inside of her once again. She hated this feeling. She hated it because it was directed towards the person she loved. The person she thought she loved. Did she still love Faith? It would be difficult to love someone who could do such a thing. But she did love her. Oh, she loved Faith so much. And that was how Hope knew that they couldn’t remain on bad terms for much longer. They would have to move passed this and find some way to forgive each other. She could forgive her, couldn’t she? Yes, it was a big deal and yes, it wasn’t just any type of fight. It wasn’t even a fight. It was a disagreement on fundamental beliefs. It was the difference between supporting life or death. But Hope believed that they could eventually move passed it. Sure, it might take a while. But if Hope was willing to try, then surely Faith would be as well. Hope finally decided to call Faith. She picked up the phone with jittery hands and dialled the number she had memorized by heart. For the past week Hope had been feeling awful. Her performance at camp wasn’t up to par, which ultimately made the rest of the team suffer considering Hope was their leader, the one they looked up to. And life at home wasn’t any better. Ever since her fight with Matthew, her parents had been acting different. Quieter. Keeping their distance. As though Hope were some strange interloper in their home and they didn’t know how to react to the presence. And since she wasn’t speaking with Matthew, Hope felt truly alone. All she wanted that entire week was to talk to Faith. Confide in her, put her hand on hers, listen to her heartbeat. But it wasn’t that simple. She couldn’t just go to Faith and ask her such a thing. There were too many unspoken words between them that they needed to sort out. And so that is why she picked up the phone and called her. Because this had gone on for far too long. FAITH It had been just over a week since the abortion. Abortion. It felt weird saying the word aloud. As though she were committing a sin by simply saying it. Yes, a sin. Faith thought she was sinning. She hated that. She hated that Hope had gotten into her head and convinced her of something she would have never believed before. Faith had been fine with the idea of an abortion. But every now and again, she could hear Hope’s lingering words. Murder, Sin. It wasn’t murder, Faith told herself. The thing was barely a thing. It was hardly even an embryo. It Didn’t even have eyelids or fingernails. It was simply an assortment of atoms that was created as a result of her and Sebastian’s egg and sperm. But now that thing ceased to exist and Faith was okay with that. It was for the best. There was no way that she could have carried through with the pregnancy. She knew better than to let someone talk her into something so foolish. No one could force her to carry a baby to term. It was her stomach that would hold the baby. Her body that would experience morning sickness. Her feet that would throb. Her boobs that would stretch. Her back that would ache. No one would experience that except for Faith, so nobody had a right to tell her what she could or couldn’t do with her body. She had spent the majority of the week in bed, telling her mother that the flu had worsened. Fortunately, the last few days had been better. She was feeling well, both mentally and physically. The psychological trauma that she initially experienced after the abortion was beginning to dwindle and she could almost feel herself getting back to normal. That was when she received the phone call. She hadn’t thought much about Hope that past week. The only thoughts of Hope were the words running through her head, murder. But when Hope asked to meet at their spot, Faith somehow agreed. Later that evening, the two of them met at the lake. They sat there in silence for a very long, uncomfortable period of time. Both of them having a world of things to say, but neither of them quite knowing how to start. It was odd, sitting beside Hope and feeling speechless, Faith always knew what to say. They were always conversing about something. But not on that day. ‘Listen,’ Hope finally spoke, breaking the silence. ‘I know this difficult. It’s hard for both of us, But I couldn’t not see you. Couldn’t not talk to you. Can we please just talk?’ ‘Hard for both of us?’ Faith nearly laughed. ‘Tell me, Hope, how was this hard for you?’ ‘You know why. You know how strongly I feel about that. And especially after what my mother went through.’ ‘No offence, but you can’t compare my decision to get an abortion to how you feel about something. It doesn’t work that way.’ Hope remained quiet, not knowing how to rebuttal, but not wanting to either. ‘I’m sorry,’ she finally said. ‘I’m sorry, okay? Can you please just talk to me?’ Faith looked out towards the water and took in a deep breath. ‘There’s not much to say.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I mean exactly that. There isn’t much to say. I don’t know what you want from me.’ ‘I just want to talk to you! To sit with you. Be with you.’ Faith turned and looked at her then. ‘So that’s what this about.’ Faith nodded. ‘You honestly think that can happen. That we can just go back to how things were before.’ Hope stared at her, a look of pure horror growing on her face. She didn’t respond. ‘Well, we can’t, Hope. We can’t do that. Don’t you see it? We don’t work together. We clash. Our personalities, our beliefs, everything in our lives doesn’t match up. We were stupid for ever thinking otherwise.’ ‘What are you talking about!’ Hope cried. ‘What I’m saying is… we can’t do this anymore.’ Hope opened her mouth, but no words came out. ‘What?’ ‘I’m bad news, Hope. All I’ll do is drag you down with me. My life, my decisions, my beliefs - everything I do counteracts with what you stand for. My entire existence is counteractive to yours. And I just don’t see this going to a place where neither one of us ends up broken.’ ‘That doesn’t matter!’ Hope cried. ‘None of that matters! The only thing I care about is you!’ Faith was quiet for a minute. Then she reached out and placed her hand on top of Hope’s. ‘You’re a good person,’ she said, looking up and meeting her eyes. ‘You are so good. So perfect and pure and happy. How can you not see that I will only ruin that?’ Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she didn’t bother trying to wipe them away. Hope pulled her hand away from Faith’s. ‘Don’t you dare do that,’ Hope said. ‘Don’t try to push me away. Because I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere.’ ‘I’m no good for you.’ ‘Don’t say that!’ Hope cried again. ‘Don’t tell me what’s best for me. Because what’s best for me is you!’ Faith stopped and stared at her for a long time, Contemplating everything, the entire world and their existence within it. She thought about that very first day in the field, how happy and chipper Hope was, so full of life an optimism. Thought about walking through fields, sitting down by the water, laying in bed, talking for hours on end. Holding Hope’s hand, sneaking around with her, quiet whispers in the dark. Kissing Hope, touching Hope, holding Hope, Longing for Hope. And finally, leaving Hope. ‘I’m sorry,’ Faith said. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Then she stood up and left. "To every action there is always an equal and opposite or contrary, reaction."

"A turning point happens when something changes direction, and it causes you to make a choice. It’s the moment you decide that you need to make a shift and respond differently. It could be that what was happening here, before it is no longer what you want to happen in the future."