FAITH & HOPE 48

FAITH Everything from those past two days were a blur to Faith. Dreaming of eggs, puking in the toilet, taking the pregnancy test and seeing the double pink lines. Letting the news sink in, not knowing who to talk to, calling Hope, telling Hope. In all honesty, Faith should have seen that coming. Not the pregnancy - Hope’s reaction. What was Faith thinking, telling Hope that she was going to abort it? Obviously that was a recipe for disaster. But Faith wasn’t thinking about that at the time. She wasn’t thinking about Hope or Hope’s feelings. She was thinking about herself. She was thinking about the embryo attempting to grow in her stomach, and how she would fix this problem. Hope’s religious views and beliefs didn’t seem relevant at the time. But Faith could now understand why there was conflict. She didn’t blame Hope, per se, but she was still angry with her. And she had every right to be. This was a scary decision. Probably the scariest decision that she ever had to make in her life. All she wanted was someone to talk to, someone to be there for her. But instead, she got criticized, called selfish and a murderer. It Didn’t help that Hope’s mother had two miscarriages before Hope was born’ that only seemed to fuel the fire. Hope was such a kind, caring person. Faith knew this. She was only trying to do the right thing, do what she believed was right. But that was the problem. Hope and Faith had two very conflicting beliefs regarding what was right. Hope and Faith would never see eye to eye on anything. How could Faith have been so stupid, fooling herself into believing otherwise? She could try to pretend, try to accept Hope for who she was. And Hope would pretend too. She would pretend that religion wasn’t this huge, obvious divide between them. And they could both try to ignore it and act as if it wasn’t there. But that would be as foolish as trying to deny that the sky was blue. The truth of the matter was, Hope was a daughter of God, and Faith was an atheist with a grudge. To believe that the two could ever cohabitate in harmony was just preposterous. It broke Faith’s heart because she loved Hope. She truly did. She was an angel with a heart of gold who would never intentionally hurt anybody. She had the kindest soul and the best intentions, and she made Faith feel alive. But Faith wasn’t sure if they could ever truly work together. It was ironic, Faith thought, that in the end, it wasn’t their hidden sexualities or deluding their parents that caused a break between the two of them. It was their fucking faith. She was supposed to go to her father’s that weekend, but there was no way she could go now. Now with everything going on. She needed to find a hospital nearby to go as soon as possible. Faith called her father on Saturday morning and told him she had come down with the flu and wouldn’t be able to make it anymore. He sounded disappointed, but she promised him that she’d try to come up either the following weekend, or the one after that. She sighed as she hung up the phone and tried to plan her next course of action. She grabbed the thick phone - book that sat in their kitchen and began flipping through the pages, looking for hospitals and clinics that she could call and inquire to. Willows itself didn’t even a hospital, so she widened her range, finding places in the neighbouring towns. After calling at least six different hospitals, she got through to Newmarket General, to which after hesitantly asking the loaded question, the receptionist responded, yes, they did perform abortions, But only after consulting with the doctor and ensuring that she knew every risk and consequence of having the procedure. Faith agreed and booked the appointment for Monday morning. Now all she had to do until then was wait.

HOPE By Saturday evening, Hope was still feeling the remnants from her fight with Faith. It was all she had been thinking about, stressing about, worrying about. She was in shock. From the moment Faith had said those words, I’m pregnant, to the fighting and yelling that came afterwards. It was surreal. Hope couldn’t believe that, one, Faith was actually pregnant, and two, she was going to abort the baby. Hope had always wanted a baby. She wanted multiple children, three at least. The thought of children completed her, finalized her fantasy of the perfect life. Marriage and children. That was how it was supposed to be. And here was Faith, ready to kill a baby that God had given her. Hope didn’t understand the pro - life vs. pro - choice debate. In her mind, there was nothing. In her mind, there was nothing to debate. You either supposed the killing of an innocent foetus, or you didn’t. How did people think that this was okay? How did doctors and politicians actually support this? She could understand why Faith may not want a child right now at this point in her life. She was young and not ready. But there were other options that she wasn’t even considering. Faith could carry through with the pregnancy and then give the baby up for adoption. Why had she not even considered it when Hope suggested it? Abortion was murder, plain and simple. It was taking away the life a child who never had the right to choose. They called it pro - choice, but what about the baby’s choice? It never got one. It never got a voice. It’s will to live was simply taken away by a greater power, and in this case, that power was Faith. Hope felt so much anger towards her. She truly and honestly believed that she loved this girl, but now she was questioning everything. Faith would be a murderer. And this had nothing to do with religion or God - it was about ethics and morals. Faith wasn’t just sinning under God - she was willingly participating in the murder of an innocent child. And that was not something that Hope could easily forgive. Hope felt sick. Just sitting there knowing what was going to happen to that poor baby made Hope want to cry and scream all at once. She wanted to yell at Faith, grab her by the shoulders and shake her, snap some sense into her. She wanted to explain it all to her. Give her more options. Ask her to give that baby another chance. But while Hope wanted all of these things, she also wasn’t stupid. She knew that there was no use in even trying. Because if she knew Faith Everette by now, then one thing was clear. Faith was set in her ways, and nothing - not even Hope - could change her mind.

FAITH She spent the entire weekend indoors, laying under the covers or watching movies in the basement. She told her mother the same lie that she had told her father, she had come down with the flu. Her mother had been - oh so concerned and offered to get her anything she needed, but all Faith wanted was to be alone. She lay in her bed, pulling the covers tightly around her body. She tried to be as still as she could, listening for anything out of the ordinary, As Though she’d somehow be able to hear a heartbeat or a sound emanating from inside of her stomach. Faith wondered how far along she was. It could have been one month, it could have been two. She didn’t pay attention to her menstrual cycle and it had been irregular in the past. Thinking back, she couldn’t even remember the last time that she had her period. That really begged the question. She couldn’t have been too far along, her stomach was still small and flat. She lifted up her shirt and placed her hand over her belly, feeling, waiting. Perhaps she’d feel a kick or a movement of some sort. But nothing happened. No profound moment of bonding with the creature. Just Pure nothingness. Faith tried to convince herself that she was doing the right thing. She told herself that she wasn’t being selfish. She justified her actions by repeating the phrase, my body, my choice. Hope was wrong, Hope’s opinions were clouded by her judgement. Clouded by belief in a system that wasn’t even holy. The Protestant Church had so many flaws, Faith didn’t even know where to begin. And to actually fool herself into thinking that Hope was different - that she wasn’t some religious zombie, easily brainwashed by such a system - well, that mistake was on Faith. By the time Monday morning arrived. Faith was filled with anxiety and nerves. She felt nauseous and quite frankly, she wasn’t sure if it was the morning sickness or the anxiety. Either way, she didn’t eat anything for she wasn’t even able to stomach it. She was going alone. She didn’t mind all that much. Maybe most girls would have been afraid, begging their ex - boyfriends or mother’s to go with them. But Faith couldn’t tell her mother. And she couldn’t tell Sebastian. The only person she could tell was Hope and there was nothing that Hope could do for her. She had already cleared the days schedule with her mother. Faith had told her that she needed to go into town that morning to pick up some supplies. And with her complicit, tranquil behaviour all weekend, her mother willingly offered her the car. Now all she needed to do was go. It was just after eight in the morning when she gathered up her things and headed out the front door, Her appointment was for ten, but she needed to account for driving time, and she also wanted to be there early. Give her time to settle down and calm herself. Mentally prepare. It was as she was walking down her front steps when her morning took a drastic turn of events. There, standing at the end of her driveway, was Hope. ‘What are you doing here?’ Faith asked in a hushed whisper, walking hastily towards her. Hope stood there staring at her. It looked as though she’d been crying. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I don’t have time for this. I’m going to be late.’ Hope’s face changed from solemn to surprised. ‘You’re going right now? To…’ ‘Yes. And I need to leave now or I’ll miss the appointment.’ Faith turned around and unlocked the car, throwing her purse into the passenger seat. She slammed the door and turned back to Hope. Hope stood there, a look of unease and perplexity plagued her face. Faith didn’t know what she was going to do, but quite frankly, Faith didn’t care. She needed to leave. ‘I’m coming with you,’ Hope suddenly said, ‘What?’ ‘I’ll come. To the appointment.’ ‘Why on earth would you do that?’ ‘Because, Hope said, taking a step towards her. ‘I want to be there for you. To support you.’ ‘But it’s against everything you stand for.’ ‘I know it is. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find it in my heart to forgive you. But right now none of that matters. Right now the only thing I want is for you not to be alone.’ Faith stared at her for long time. She wanted to slap her yet kiss her at the same time. She was so angry, but so relieved. She didn’t want Hope to think that they were okay, because they were far from okay. But Hope also made a good point. Faith didn’t want to go alone. ‘Fine,’ Faith found herself saying. ‘Get in Let’s go.’ And so they went. The waiting room was cold and empty. Not many people aborting babies on this fine Monday morning, Faith thought. Hope sat beside her, holding up a newspaper but not reading it. She was shaking, Faith cold tell. But Faith, too, was shaking. Hope reached her hand out an placed it on Faith’s knee. Faith stopped for a moment, as if to acknowledge this gesture, and then continued to shake. They waited forty minutes. Forty minutes of jittery legs and anxious stomachs. Faith didn’t know how much longer she’d be able to handle the waiting before the nurse called her name. ‘Faith Everette,’ she finally said. Faith’s head shot up, as did Hope’s. ‘The doctor will see you now.’ Faith turned and looked at Hope. She didn’t need to say a word. Her eyes said it all….

"Da'at" - "Malkuth"