FAITH & HOPE 47

HOPE They were sitting across from each other at the coffee shop. Their meeting felt so formal. It was making Hope uncomfortable. Matthew was fiddling with the mug between the palms of his hands. Hope was sitting still. ‘So,’ Matthew said. ‘So,’ Hope said. He sighed. ‘We need to talk about this.’ ‘Okay,’ Hope said. ‘Go right ahead then. TALK.’ He sat up straighter and cleared his throat. ‘I’m sorry for the other night. But I do have to admit that I’m still concerned about you, Hope. You’re changing and that worries me.’ ‘Why does that worry you? Why am I not allowed to excel and grow as a person? As an individual that is not attached to you?’ ‘Because you’ve never acted like this before. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that your conspicuous actions as of late can be traced back to one sole factor. And that is Faith.’ ‘STOP. You and I both know that’s not true.’ ‘Oh, but it is. I talked with your parents. They share similar concerns.’ Her heart dropped in her chest. ‘You talked to my parents?’ ‘Yes. We’re worried about you, Hope,’ he reached his hand out and placed it on hers. She pulled it away. ‘You’ve gone too far, Matthew.’ ‘I’m trying to help you.’ ‘Well I don’t want your help. What you’re doing isn’t fair. I’m just living my life, being me. Why do you have such a problem with that?’ ‘Because it’s not you! You Don’t act like this! And quite frankly, the girl you’ve become now is not the girl that I intended on marrying.’ At those words, she froze. Her mind was racing but she didn’t dare say a word. She took a few deep breaths and tried to compose herself. ‘Well,’ she said slowly, carefully crafting the next words to come out of her mouth. ‘Then perhaps marriage isn’t the best idea for us anymore.’ His facial expression then. ‘Hope …’ ‘No,’ she held up her hand. ‘This little break that we’re on,’ she gestured between the two of them. ‘Has officially been extended.’ She stood. ‘I need to take some time for myself. I need to find out who I am and what I want in life. And I can’t do that with you around. So for the remainder of the summer - these last two weeks - I don’t want to see or hear from you. Is that understood?’ ‘But Hope…’ ‘No,’ she said again, firmly this time, and she felt proud of her assertion. “This is non - negotiable. I’m leaving. Please do not contact me, and I swear, Matthew, do not contact my parents. Are we clear?’ He opened his mouth to say something, then snapped it closed again. ‘Crystal.’ If Hope had had that conversation with Matthew any other time in her life, she’d be a wreck. Tears, crying, the heart - wrenching pain. But for some reason, she felt good. She walked out of the coffee shop with confidence, feeling like a brand new person. She held up her naked finger and smiled to herself. She thought: is this how it feels to be free? She went home and continued on with her day as if nothing was the matter. She made a snack, wrote in her journal and played on the piano. She was in a great mood. All she wanted to do was sing and dance, maybe work on a new puzzle. However, her glorious mood only lasted so long. The silence at the supper table indicated that her parents already knew. And by the looks on their faces, they were the farthest thing from happy. ‘What were you thinking?’ Joana said, breaking the unbearable silence. ‘You will go to his house and apologize,’ Gabriel demanded. ‘I will do no such thing,’ Hope said, refusing to eat any of the food on her plate. She would protest if she had to. Go on a hunger strike. ‘What has gotten into you? Is it hormonal? Are you going through a difficult time?’ ‘What? No. I’m just living my life. I’m seventeen now. And I’ve realized that I want more in life.’ ‘What does that even mean?’ Gabriel asked. ‘You have everything you could ever want and need right here.’ ‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand,’ Hope said. She felt dangerous, talking to her parents this way. Like a rebel. Like Faith. ‘I’m just trying to figure some things out, okay? And it’s just a two week break. It’s not the end of the world.’ ‘It is to him,’ Joana said, ‘He’s devastated, Hope.’ ‘He’s the one who started it!’ Hope yelled. ‘He told me that I’m not the girl he wants to marry.’ ‘That’s because you’ve changed.’ ‘Everyone changes, mom! If we never changed, then how would we grow? How would we discover ourselves and learn what we want from life?’ ‘Changing is fine,’ Gabriel said. ‘But what you’re doing isn’t. This form of rebellion or whatever it is you’re doing …it’s not acceptable.’ ‘I’m not doing anything! I’m just living my life, and Matthew had a problem with it.’ ‘He told us what you asked of him,’ Joana said quietly, ‘The other night.’ Hope felt her face go red. ‘I hope you’re ashamed of yourself,’ Gabriel said. ‘God does not take that sort of thing lightly.’ ‘We didn’t do anything,’ Hope told them. ‘Don’t you worry about that.’ ‘That’s beside the point, Hope. You’re acting out. Becoming someone else. We don’t know what to do to Help you.’ ‘Here’s an idea,’ Hope said. ‘You can do nothing. Just sit back and stop trying to dictate my life. I’m tired of it. Just give me a break, okay? Let me live my life how I want. And in two weeks, school will start. I will put my ring back on, And Matthew and I can continue on with out lives and forget any of this ever happened. Okay? I’m asking for two weeks.’ They both stared at her, contemplating their next words. It was Gabriel who spoke first. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘You have two weeks to get this phase out of your system. And if in two weeks things haven’t changed, then there will be consequences.’ FAITH Things had been going well for Faith. She had arranged plans to go see her father again on the weekend. Things with her mother and Tom were going well and Faith was actually feeling happy for her. And of course, she had Hope, the two of them seemingly closer than ever. She no longer wanted to stress about unidentified feelings or what if scenarios. She wanted to take it day by day, seeing where life brought them. Stressing about the future wasn’t going to change the outcome. So instead, she lived in the moment, appreciating every second she had with Hope. Faith awoke on Thursday morning, an odd sensation overwhelming her. It was because of the dream she had, moments of it still lingering into her consciousness. It was one of those dreams that she had previously mentioned to Hope. In the dream, she had woken up and began getting ready for the day, which was bizarre, considering she was actually still asleep. In the dream, she felt herself waking up, making her bed, and going downstairs to the kitchen where she came across her mother, standing over the stove cooking bacon and eggs. ‘Scrambled or sunny side up?’ Her mother had asked her. ‘Sunny side up.’ Faith responded, then took a seat at the table. Her mother was beaming, smiling and singing to herself as she cooked breakfast. Donny was there as well, sitting next to Faith, cutting into an omelette. Faith’s mother came around with the plate and placed it in front of her daughter, Faith looked at the plate, picked up her fork, and jammed it into the center of the egg. The yellow yolk began oozing out, dripping off her fork and spilling across her plate. That was when she woke up. She sat up in bed, confused and disoriented. Everything in the dream had felt so real, as though she had already woken up and proceeded with her day. Faith shook out the odd sensation that the dream left her with and tried to continue on with her morning. She made her bed, threw on some pants and headed down to the kitchen. Donny was nowhere to be seen and Claudia was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking her coffee, as usual. That was how Faith knew that she was no longer dreaming. This was more realistic. ‘Did you make eggs?’ Faith asked as she opened the cupboard and grabbed the box of cereal. Her mother looked at her. ‘No, why?’ ‘Oh, I just had a dream you did.’ ‘Hmmm,’ she nodded absentmindedly, then continued reading the paper. Faith poured the Cheerio’s into her bowl and sat down at the table across from her mother. It was fascinating, looking back on their relationship and analyzing how drastically things had changed in such a short period of time. Faith couldn’t fathom that they’d already been in Willows for nearly two months. And yet in those two months, so much had changed. They had their ups and downs, but when it came down to it, Faith loved and appreciated her mother. It took a lot for her to admit that, considering sometimes all she wanted to do was yell and scream at her. For most of her life, Faith felt like no one truly understood her, especially her parents. She somehow held them responsible for Grace’s death, which she knew was ridiculous, but she felt like she had to blame someone. Her parents became that scapegoat. She resented them. She resented everything they did. The divorce and the move was just the Icing on the Cake of an already perfect disaster. But for the first time in a long time, things were beginning to look up for them all. Faith was happy, her mother was happy, hell, even her father and brother were happy. Faith felt as though she was in an episode of the Twilight Zone, where everything was eerily perfect and nothing made sense. How did we get here? Faith thought to herself. How did we survive all of that and somehow make it out alive? She was feeling emotional - sentimental even, and she hated it. Faith disguised her feelings as best as she could, so that any time she felt an ounce of emotions, she tried to shut it off. But right now, something was overwhelming her and she felt the sudden urge to cry. She stopped chewing her cereal, looked at her mother, then left the kitchen and ran upstairs. There in the bathroom, she turned on the tap and splashed water on her face. It was cool and refreshing and she felt the slightest bit of reprieve. When she lifted her head and looked in the mirror, she noticed how pale she was. Perhaps she was getting sick. But Faith never got sick. It was then that she felt the nausea. She ran towards the toilet and opened the lid just in time to empty the contents of her stomach…… HOPE Once she was home from Camp on Friday afternoon, Hope met up with Peyton, Daisy, Laura - Lee and Coral. They hung out at Peyton’s house, watching TV and talking about their days. By the time five o’clock hit, the girls were equally starving and decided to get supper. They ended up at Frenchie’s and Hope couldn’t help but think about Faith, It felt strange keeping such a colossal secret from her friends. And not only from her friends, but from the entire world. Hope would never be able to express how she truly felt. She would never be able to talk to her parents about Faith. Would never be able to confide in her friends about her clandestine love - affair and explain all of the complex emotions she was feeling. While she sat there and listened to Laura - Lee talk about Jonah or Peyton talk about Liam, she would need to bite her tongue and not say anything at all. It wasn’t like they expected her to say anything out of the ordinary anyways. They knew she was with Matthew and thus, there was never much to talk about. Their lives were average and mundane. Already, she and Matthew had become synonymous with an old married couple whose lives were not interesting in the slightest way. There was nothing Juicy or exciting about their love - life. Nothing scandalous or dramatic that would prompt discussion with the girls. Hope felt envious of them. Envious that they could live their lives how they wanted to and never have to question whether their emotions were right or wrong. Never having to fear what family and friends would think. Never second guessing themselves and wondering if God would still accept them. But at the same time that she envied them, Hope also pitied them, For they would never experienced the kind of love that she and Faith shared. Something so rare and mysterious. Catastrophic and enigmatic. They would never understand. They would never know. After she arrived home later that night, she got a call from Faith. Apparently Faith had been calling all day with no answer. Hope apologized, explaining where she had been, and Faith asked to meet at their spot by the lake. Hope left right away. They sat there for a few minutes, neither of them saying a word. The sun was setting and they were both focused on the skyline, the sun descending over the water. There wasn’t a rush to say anything. There was never a rush with the two of them. Finally, after ten minutes of silence, Faith took in a deep breath and turned to her. ‘Hope,’ she said carefully. ‘I have to tell you something.’ Hope immediately became concerned, noticing the sudden look of apprehension on Faith’s face. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ Faith took in another breath. Waited a moment. Didn’t know how to form the words. Then she said, ‘I’m pregnant.’ Hope raised an eyebrow, ‘Very funny.’ ‘I’m serious.’ ‘Shut up,’ Hope laughed, knowing that Faith was always saying stuff like this to get a reaction out of her. ‘I swear to God,’ Faith said, and her face was so serious that in that moment, Hope knew she wasn’t joking. Hope’s playful smile disappeared. ‘Wait…you’re actually pregnant?’ Faith nodded. ‘How is that even possible!?’ ‘Relax, Virgin Mary, it’s Sebastian’s’ ‘Oh…’ ‘Obviously,’ Faith cut her off. It was quiet for a moment. Then Hope said, ‘How do you know?’ ‘That it’s Sebastian’s?’ ‘That you’re pregnant.’ ‘Because I took a test.’ ‘When?’ ‘Yesterday.’ ‘And…?’ ‘And it said I was pregnant.’ ‘Oh, Faith,’ Hope reached out and held her hand. ‘How do you feel? I don’t know what to say.’ ‘Pretty Fucked Up.’ Faith said. ‘But it’s okay, I’m aborting it, so …’ ‘What?’ ‘I’m going to get an abortion.’ ‘Faith!’ Hope gaped. ‘You can’t do that!’ ‘What do you mean - I can’t do that?’ ‘I mean exactly that - you can’t!’ ‘Why not.?’ ‘Because,’ Hope said, ‘That’s a life. A human life.’ ‘And?’ ‘And if you abort it, that’s murder.’ ‘It’s not murder. It’s my body. My life. My choice.’ ‘It’s not just your body! How can you even say that?’ ‘Because it’s the truth?’ ‘There’s a little life inside of you. A little life that you created. It’s your responsibility to bring it into this world.’ ‘I’m fucking sixteen, Hope! I can’t be a mother! I can’t raise a child!’ ‘There are other options!’ Hope exclaimed. ‘Adoption…’ ‘It was created from sex outside of marriage. A baby out of wedlock. You Don’t support that.’ ‘I don’t support killing a baby.’ ‘It’s not even a baby! It’s barely a fucking embryo.’ ‘Faith,’ Hope said, staring at her intently. ‘It’s still murder.’ ‘Here we fucking go again,’ Faith turned away. ‘You can’t get an abortion!’ Hope cried. ‘Please, promise me that you won’t abort it.’ Faith turned to her. ‘How can you truly be that selfish?’ ‘I’m being selfish? I don’t think so. You’re the one being selfish! Wanting to kill a baby because you don’t think you can handle it.’ ‘I can’t handle it!’ Faith yelled. ‘You are absolutely right. I don’t want it. I can’t be a mother. I can’t raise a child. And there is no expectation for me to do so.’ ‘We can raise it together!’ Hope suggested, trying so sound hopeful. ‘First of all,’ Faith said. ‘My parents would murder me. Second, your parents wouldn’t support this child, let alone raise it.’ ‘Yes they would. My mother would help.’ ‘You Can’t even tell them about us, how would you explain a baby?’ ‘What about Sebastian?’ ‘What about him? He’s not even in the picture.’ Faith brought her hands to her forehead, ran her fingers through her hair. ‘We never planned for this. We never wanted this.’ ‘But it’s not too late to change your mind.’ ‘There is no mind to change.’ ‘I can’t believe you,’ Hope said, tears forming in her eyes. ‘My mother had two miscarriages before she had me. Two babies that she lost without a choice. And here you are, willingly choosing to kill this baby voluntarily. Do you not see how messed up that is?’ ‘Don’t even go there,’ Faith warned. ‘Don’t compare me to people like your mother. It sucks that she lost them, but that’s out of my control. This isn’t. I have no obligation to carry a baby in my stomach for nine months and give birth to it. No obligation whatsoever. Do you not understand that?’ ‘You have no conscience!’ Hope cried. ‘This is murder!’ ‘Shut up about this murder bullshit!’ Faith yelled. ‘If there truly was a God, then why would he take away your mother’s first two babies, Huh? Don’t blame me for that. Don’t you dare.’ ‘How could you?’ Hope said, her voice barely above a whisper. The tears were falling down her cheeks. ‘This isn’t your choice to make,’ Faith said. It was silent between them, the only sound being Hope and her muffled cries and sniffles. ‘Faith…’ Hope said quietly. Faith met her eyes. ‘My mind is already made up. I’m getting an abortion.’ Hope felt something inside of her pull. Her heart, her lungs. Everything was aching. She couldn’t understand how Faith could be so selfish. So heartless. ‘Please reconsider,’ Hope said. ‘I hope you’ll reconsider.’ ‘I can tell you one thing,’ Faith said. ‘I won’t.’ And then she stood. ‘You Can’t do this!’ Hope cried, feeling the pain, feeling the abandonment for that child. ‘Actually, Hope,’ Faith said in a cold voice that didn’t belong to her. ‘It’s my body. I can do whatever the fuck I want.’