FAITH & HOPE 45

FAITH They didn’t see each other for three days after that. They came into the mutual decision that it might be best to spend some time apart, take some time to themselves. They didn’t agree on a set period of time, but I can tell you now, it was only three days. It was understandable. They were young and confused, unsure of their place in the world and how that would affect not only themselves, but the people around them. What consequences their actions might have and how this would ultimately change everything they once thought they knew. Faith was beside herself. She became so accustomed to seeing Hope every day, that on their first day apart, she was sullen. It was one thing to not be talking to Hope, but this came right after her break-up with Sebastian. She was feeling guilty and responsible for his pain. She knew that she had hurt him and most likely broke his heart. She was mourning the loss of their love. She didn’t break-up with Sebastian for Hope. She broke up with Sebastian because it was the right thing to do. Even if she and Hope never saw each other again, Faith knew that she had made the right decision simply based on ethics. She was only doing what she believed was right. On Wednesday, Donny took her to the next town over to buy film for her camera. Faith immersed herself in her art and tried to find an escape. From the remnants of the break-up with Sebastian, as well as to distract herself from any thoughts of Hope It was difficult at first, not thinking about either of those things, but Faith delved into her creativity and soon enough found it difficult to think about anything but the art. She drew what she saw. Nature, wildlife, the water. She sketched it all so that she could remember it, glancing up at the view in front of her, then returning her gaze to the page. When her hand got too sore, she switched to photography. She roamed around Willows, keeping one eye through the viewfinder and watching out for the little things. The things that go unnoticed if you’re not paying attention. She watched two squirrels chasing each other through someone’s yard. She watched a couple sitting on a park bench, deep in conversation. A mother, pushing her baby in a stroller. Faith may not have photographed it all, or sketched it for that matter, but she had it imprinted in her mind. She would always remember. ‘How are you feeling?’ Claudia asked that night over supper . ‘I’m okay,’ Faith said, spooning the mashed potatoes onto her plate. Claudia sat there for a moment, watching her daughter. Donny was already devouring the food on his plate. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Claudia asked, apprehensive. ‘No.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘Can you pass the salt?’ from Donny. Claudia handed it to him, then turned to Faith, ‘Do you think you’ll get back together?’ ‘No.’ Claudia visibly winced. ‘Well,’ she cleared her throat. ‘Tom is taking me to the Cape next weekend. You two should come.’ ‘I thought you will be going the last week of summer,’ Donny said, mouth full. ‘Yes, honey, next weekend is the last weekend of summer.’ Faith nearly choked on her food. ‘Oh,’ Donny said, then took another forkful to his mouth. ‘Maybe. We’ll see.’ ‘And Faith, what about you?’ ‘Will think about it.’ ‘It will be fun, Perhaps you can bring Hope.’ Faith stopped and looked at her mother, then continued mashing her potatoes with her fork, ‘Maybe,’ was all she said. Before going to bed that night, Faith picked up a book that she had already read and started from the beginning. It Didn’t take long before her eyelids began getting heavy and she felt herself dozing off. Sleep had always been such a tease for Faith. She could feel it coming and she wanted it so badly. But sometimes, it just wouldn’t come, and she’d find herself laying awake all night, wondering how on earth she was so unfortunate. But that night, she closed the book, turned on her side and within minutes, she was out, immersed in a deep sleep that would take possession of her until the sun came up.

HOPE

It was the third day that she hadn’t seen nor spoken to Faith, It felt strange. As though a small part of her was missing, which quite frankly, felt very odd to admit. They’d only know each other for nearly two months, How was it possible to develop such strong feelings for someone in such a short period of time? Hope thought back to the early beginnings of her and Matthew’s relationship. When did she know that she was in love with him? She couldn’t pinpoint an exact date or moment. It just happened. A slow progression of things bound to come, Loving Matthew was inevitable. Marrying him was a guarantee, another constant in her life. But the moment she knew … well, she wasn’t sure. In twenty years when her children asks her that very question, she wouldn’t know how to respond. She’d say something similar to what her mother and father had said. Your father and I met when we were young. Hope would say. Just fourteen years old. Hearing herself say it, she realized how crazy it sounded. But being in the relationship - knowing the ins and outs, the interior workings of it all - it wasn’t crazy whatsoever. It was normal. But in that moment, sitting there on her bed on a Thursday night thinking about it all, Hope felt a strange sensation come over her entire body. She could compare it to the feeling of kissing Faith for the first time. Electricity igniting her entire body. Her bones, blood and every molecule had been set aflame. She felt alive. Was she feeling this way about Matthew or about Faith? How could she differentiate between the two? How could she be certain? Faith had broken up with Sebastian. This somehow made things seem more real than they were before. Did Faith expect Hope to break up with Matthew? Did Hope want to break up with Matthew? It was as though she were contemplating the rest of her life in that moment. She compared this feeling to the ending of high school, the necessity to choose a future career and apply to college. In that moment, you have to make a decision. You have to be completely certain that that is what you want to do for the rest of your life. That was how Hope was feeling now. Because when she was with Matthew, she could see her entire life mapped out ahead of her. Graduating from high school and then getting married. Going off to school. Becoming doctors. And then, once they were ready, having children. Two or three. Maybe two girls and a boy. It was the perfect life. Hope thought. Seamless. But it wasn’t real. It was only an illusion. An image in her mind that did not allow her to fully predict its outcome. Hope needed to know for sure. She had to make this decision now and be one hundred percent certain. Matthew arrived at her house shortly after she called him. It was after eight pm and normally she would be writing in her journal or watching television with her parents by now, settling down before bed. But Hope had other plans in mind. They entered her bedroom as they usually did, Hope closing the door behind them. Matthew took a seat on the bed and smiled at her. ‘What’s up?’ Hope walked over and sat beside him. She placed her hand on his cheek, stroked it softly. He smiled and leaned into her hand. Then she leaned forwards and kissed him. But not a gentle kiss like her usual kisses. This was deep and passionate. She breathed him in, felt their bodies pressing against one another. She moved herself on top of him so that she was straddling him, then she pushed him backwards onto the bed. He quickly stopped and moved Hope off of him, sitting up and staring at her in awe. ‘What are you doing?’ Hope took a moment to catch her breath. ‘I love you,’ she said, but it came out sounding desperate. ‘I love you too,’ he said, brushing the hair out of her face. ‘I think we should do it..’ ‘Do what?’ ‘You know,’ she said. ‘Have sex…’ That’s when he looked truly aghast. ‘Please tell me you’re joking.’ ‘I’m not. Laura - Lee did it with Elijah. We’re already promised to each other forever,’ She said, rotating the ring on his finger. ‘Hope, you know that’s a sin.’ ‘Sex in not a sin.’ ‘Outside of marriage it is.’ ‘Yes, but we will be married. Soon enough. Might as well just do it and get it out the way.’ ‘But I don’t want to get it out of the way. I want to wait until our wedding night. Until we are brought together by God and are lawfully declared husband and wife.’ ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it,’ she went to move on top of him again. ‘’I haven’t,’ he said, politely pushing her off. She sat back, looking upset. ‘What has gotten into you?’ he said, staring at her like he didn’t recognize her, ‘Are you menstruating? That would explain your arbitrary erotic desire.’ ‘No, I’m not menstruating. I just love you.’ ‘I love you too, But there are other ways to express our love for one another.’ ‘Matthew! Come on, here I am, practically begging you to have sex with me, And you’re really going to say no?’ He Didn’t move, Just stared at her, perplexed. ‘You know, you’ve been acting different lately.’ he said suddenly, moving slightly farther down the bed away from her. ‘I didn’t say anything at first. I thought it was nothing. But then with this? I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Hope. You’re being reckless and crazy. Irresponsible. And quite frankly, not very Christian.’ ‘Excuse you?’ Hope gaped. ‘Don’t you dare tell me what I’m being. I’m being myself!’ ‘No, this isn’t you. I don’t know what’s changed. Is it all this hanging around you’re doing with Faith? I knew from the beginning that she wasn’t a good influence on you.’ ‘This has nothing to do with Faith!’ ‘Perhaps I should talk with your parents,’ he stood up from the bed. ‘Are you insane?’ ‘No, But I think you might be.’ Hope stared at him, fuming. How could he be so cavalier and insulting? And to bring up her parents? What was wrong with him? ‘Just get out,’ she said quietly. ‘Pardon?’ ‘I said, get out! Leave!’ He Didn’t move. She slid the promise ring off her finger and threw it at him. ‘GET OUT!!’ And so he did. That was how their three day hiatus came to an abrupt end. Nine - thirty at night, walking down the quiet streets of Willows, collecting small pebbles and throwing them at Faith’s window. ‘What happened?’ Faith asked once she came down, the two sitting on her front porch together. The night was quiet, but Hope’s thoughts were loud, She didn’t know how to put them into words. ‘I don’t know if I can stay with Matthew.’ Hope finally said. ‘What do you mean? Did something happen?’ ‘I asked him to have sex.’ ‘You did what?’ ‘He said no, obviously.’ ‘Hope!’ Faith was nearly laughing. ‘You’re telling me that you - Hope Chamberlain, daughter of the minister, perfect little church girl and lover of Jesus Christ - asked Matthew to have sex?’ ‘Yes.’ Faith was in hysterics. ‘It’s not funny,’ Hope said. ‘Sorry,’ Faith collected herself and stopped laughing. ‘I had to know. I had to be sure. I thought that, maybe if I had sex with Matthew, then I’d know.’ ‘Whether you wanted to be with him or not?’ ‘Yes, Is that crazy?’ ‘Not at all. That’s what people do, Hope. They have sex so that they know if they want to be with a person or not. Apparently that’s a big deciding factor.’ ‘I don’t care about the sex though. I just wanted to know if I’d feel differently about him. If I’d have some great realization and know for certain in that moment if he was the one.’ ‘But he said no.’ Hope nodded. ‘So now I don’t know what to do.’ ‘But yet,’ Faith said. ‘You came here.’ Hope looked up and met her eyes. ‘Yes.’ ‘You Don’t have to make any decisions. You don’t have to do anything.’ ‘I threw my ring at him,’ Hope said, holding up her naked finger. ‘Told him to get out.’ Faith began laughing again. ‘He was being so rude, Faith. Saying I’ve been acting strange lately. Said it was because I was hanging out with you.’ ‘With me?’ ‘Yeah. He said you’re a bad influence.’ ‘Well, I am.’ ‘No you’re not.’ ‘You Don’t have to hang out with me if you don’t want to.’ ‘No.’ Hope grabbed her hands. ‘I do. I want to hang out with you. I want to be with you. But there’s so much confusion in my mind. I don’t know how to do this.’ ‘I’ll tell you a secret,’ Faith said quietly. ‘Neither do I.’ Hope looked at her and smiled. But just as quickly as the smile came, it disappeared just as fast. ‘I hate this. I hate thinking that there’s something wrong with me.’ ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’ Faith said, holding her hands tighter. ‘Nothing at all.’ ‘But…’ ‘No,’ Faith interrupted her. ‘This is why I hate religion. It makes amazing people like you believe that there is something wrong with them, when in reality. There’s nothing wrong with you at all, It’s religion that’s wrong and greatly flawed. It brainwashes people. Convinces them of things that are not true. And for what? What is the purpose of having this world - wide cult of people who obey everything the church says?’ Faith paused and took a moment. Then she looked at Hope again. ‘Who says that what we have is wrong? In what world is this a sin? Love is Love. I won’t be sorry for that.’