FAITH & HOPE 44

FAITH She sat in her kitchen, the box of cereal placed in front of her. All it required was one simple motion. Reach forward and pour it into the empty bowl. But Faith couldn’t bring herself to move. She couldn’t bring herself to do anything. Her stomach felt nauseous, her head was heavy. And it was all because of what she was about to do.... She had been contemplating it since last night when the inception of the idea was first planted in her mind. It had come as and utter surprise at first. She was taken back. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was right; this needed to happen. Faith turned her head and glanced at the phone which sat on the wall. She looked at the box of cereal, then looked at the phone. Fuck, she thought. She needed to do this. It had to be done. She didn’t want to break Sebastian’s heart. Especially over the phone for that matter. She felt like a cowardice bitch for doing something like this, but she also couldn’t bring herself to invite Sebastian all the way out here just to break up with him. This was the only way. The walk towards the landline felt like ages. She walked slowly, contemplating each word she would say. Her heart was racing, beating through her chest. She was a terrible person. A terrible girlfriend. Sebastian didn’t deserve this. He deserved better. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she also knew that she couldn’t stay with him. Not like this. It wasn’t fair to him. She picked up the phone and dialled his number, waited. Her heartbeat grew louder after each ring. ‘Hello?’ she heard his mother’s voice. ‘Rancy, hi,’ Faith said, caught off guard. ‘It’s Faith, how are you?’ ‘Hi Faith, I’m Good, just cleaning the house. How are you?’ ‘I’m fine. I was just wondering if Sebastian was in?’ ‘He is. He’s just getting ready for work actually.’ ‘Oh, I…’ ‘I’ll get him for you, hang on.’ And then Rancy was gone and she could hear her calling for her son in the background. Fuck, Faith thought. He was about to have his heart broken right before work. She could hang up, call back later. But the result would still be the same. It was inevitable. She needed to do this now, get it over with. ‘Hey babe,’ he said once he picked up the phone. ‘Seb, Hi,’ she said, but her voice cracked, faltering the perfect illusion that she was trying so hard to portray. ‘What’s wrong?’ ‘Nothing,’ she said, but all of a sudden her throat became tight and it hurt to breath. She was crying, she realized. When was the last time she had cried? ‘What happened?’ He was concerned now. She could picture him gripping the phone with both hands, waiting to hear about some meltdown, or tragedy. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she broke into a sob. ‘I’m so so sorry.’ ‘What happened? What did you do?’ ‘I can’t do it Sebastian. I can’t do this anymore.’ ‘What are you talking about? Did something happen?’ ‘I can’t see you anymore,’ she said, and tried to stop herself from sobbing any further. It was quiet for a long time. He waited until she had collected herself. Then finally, he spoke. ‘What are you saying? You’re breaking up with me?’ ‘I never wanted it to come to this,’ she said. ‘Please believe me. But I couldn’t bring myself to have you drive all the way here, only for me to do it in person. So I apologize for doing this over the phone, but just know I’m doing it because I care about you. So much…’ ‘Yeah, clearly.’ ‘I know you’ll be angry. I know this. But I can’t keep doing this. It’s me, not you, so please don’t ever think that you did anything wrong. You are the most amazing person and the best boyfriend, Sebastian. Please know that. But staying in a relationship with me… it’s not fair to you.’ She waited. Could hear him breathing. Thinking. All of the words in the world swirling through his brain. Finally, he said. ‘Do you Love her…?’ ‘What?’ ‘Do you love her?’ he repeated. Faith bit her lip.. She knew exactly what he was talking about. ‘I…’ she stuttered. ‘I don’t know.’ It was quiet again. ‘Best of luck, Faith,’ he said, and then the line disconnected. HOPE She waited at their spot by the lake. The sky was overcast and Hope knew that soon enough, it would start pouring rain and she would have to run into the coffee shop to take cover. She hoped that Faith made it there before that happened. She had arrived home from camp and only begun making her snack when the phone rang. It was Faith, asking to meet. They agreed on their spot, four o’clock. And now she was waiting. And hoping it didn’t rain. ‘Hey,’ Faith said when she arrived, sitting down on the grass next to Hope. ‘How are you?’ ‘I’m okay. How was camp?’ ‘It was good, Crazy how there’s only two weeks left.’ ‘There you go again with your counting down.’ ‘Sorry,’ Hope said. ‘Can’t help it.’ Faith looked at the water. It was quiet. ‘So what did you want to meet about?’ Hope asked. ‘Sounded urgent.’ ‘It is. Sort of. Well, not really.’ Faith took in a deep breath. ‘I broke up with Sebastian.’ Hope’s eyes widened and she sat up straighter. ‘What?’ ‘I had to. I couldn’t keep stringing him along the way I was.’ ‘Are you serious? Please tell me this is one of your practical jokes.’ ‘I’m not joking, Hope. It felt wrong.’ Hope looked towards the water and tried to breathe. ‘What?’ Faith said. ‘Why are you upset?’ ‘Because,’ Hope said, snapping her head towards Faith. ‘I never asked you to do that. I never asked you to break up with him.’ ‘I know you didn’t. I made that decision on my own. I thought you’d be at least a little bit happy.’ ‘Why would I be happy, Faith?’ ‘Because …’ Faith started, then stopped. But Hope knew what she was going to say. ‘You know we can’t be together,’ Hope said to her. ‘I’m marrying Matthew.’ Faith didn’t respond, so Hope continued. ‘Why did you have to go and do something so stupid?’ ‘How dare you?’ Faith said, her voice raising. ‘I did this for you! And no, you didn’t ask me to. But unlike you, I know where my true feelings lie. I couldn’t keep dating Sebastian, lying to him and pretending to be in love with him when I clearly have feelings for you!’ ‘Shhh!’ Hope said, cupping her hand over Faith’s mouth and looking around to ensure no one heard. Hope removed her hand and sat back, looking at the ground. ‘I’m not sorry,’ Faith said. ‘It’s my decision. You can be mad all you want. But at least I’m being honest with myself. You Can’t say the same, can you?’ ‘You don’t know what it’s like. You’ll never know what it’s like. To be me. To live my life. To have my family or practice my religion. And you don’t know what it’s like to truly and honestly believe that you’ve found your soul mate. To be so indebted to them and willing to do anything for them. And to all of a sudden have that change. To have your entire life tipped upside - down and be scrambling around, trying to figure it all out. Okay? You don’t know.’ ‘We may come from separate worlds,’ Faith said. ‘But you and me, we’re not that different. I, too, was in a loving, committed relationship. And I, too, had my entire world flipped upside - down, if you recall. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose to fall in love with a girl. I just did. And instead of only thinking about yourself, think about how that affects me.’ It was silent between them, the only sound being Faith’s exasperated breathing and the waves crashing into the shore. Finally, Hope spoke. ‘You’re in love with me?’ ‘I don’t know what to think anymore.’ Hope stared at Faith, who was staring out at the water. She stared at the back of her head, the side of her face as she looked anywhere except at her. ‘I think I’m in love with you.’ Hope said. That’s when Faith turned to her. Hope could see her blue eyes, the look on her face. Confusion. Desperation. Anger. Relief. They stayed like that for a long time, simply staring at one another, not saying a word. Finally, Faith said,’ What are we ever going to do?’ To which Hope replied, ‘I don’t know.’