FAITH & HOPE 43

FAITH It was late by the time they met up. The guests ended up staying longer than planned and Hope needed to help clean up the aftermath of hosting a community Braai. The sun had just set and it was beginning to get dark, Faith waited by their spot at the lake, checking over her shoulder every few minutes to see if Hope would materialize. She turned towards the water and watched the ripples move towards the shore. ‘Hey you,’ she heard her voice. Faith turned around and saw Hope coming towards her. ‘Finally. it’s about time.’ ‘Sorry, there was a lot to do,’ Hope said as she sat down beside Faith and kissed her cheek, ‘So What’s up? You wanted me to meet you here.’ ‘Yeah, just to hang out. Talk. I don’t know.’ ‘Okay. What’s on your mind?’ ‘That’s a loaded question.’ ‘Right,’ Hope laughed. ‘Everything.’ ‘Yeah,’ Faith nodded, and then it was quiet for a moment. ‘The sky looks so pretty right now.’ ‘Mhmm,’ Hope agreed. ‘It’s always prettiest just after the sun sets. When the sky turns that dark shade of red and pink and orange. Like a kaleidoscope of colours just bursting through the horizon.’ ‘It’s pretty just before it rises too. It has that pale hue of pinky orange.’ ‘The earth is so incredible sometimes.’ ‘Sometimes.’ It was quiet again, the only sound was the waves hitting the shore. ‘Do you ever think about how small and insignificant we are?’ Faith said, head titled upwards, looking at the sky. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Like, in comparison to the universe. It’s so huge and vast. It possesses so many solar systems and galaxies that could literally go on for eternities. And here we are, on this tiny blue planet, spinning around the sun, and we think we’re so special.’ ‘But who says we’re not special? Humans are pretty spectacular.’ ‘Yeah, but in the grand scheme of things, we’re irrelevant. There are so many bigger and better things out there than human existence.’ ‘Maybe, Maybe not. I like to think that humans have some sort of importance.’ Faith laughed. ‘You know what I mean.’ ‘I guess. Why are you thinking about this?’ ‘I tend to think philosophically when I’m looking at the sky. It generates great thoughts and discussion.’ ‘Can you name the stars?’ ‘No. Can you?’ ‘A few. I know the most famous ones. Orion’s Belt, Polaris, Sirius, Vega. The Big Dipper.’ ‘That’s more than I can name.’ ‘I don’t know much about astrology.’ ‘That’s okay, You’re going to be a doctor, not a rocket scientist.’ ‘Very true.’ ‘Imagine if the sky was empty,’ Faith said, looking up again. ‘Like, how weird would that be?’ ‘Pretty weird.’ We’re so used to looking up and seeing the stars, which by the way, are like, actual planets. And most of the stars we see in the sky are from hundreds of years ago or something.’ ‘I thought you didn’t know anything about astrology?’ ‘I don’t,’ Faith said. ‘Just something I heard. isn’t that strange though? And kind of depressing? All of the stars are dead.’ ‘Very depressing.’ ‘The stars complete the sky,’ Faith said. ‘Just like the sun does.’ ‘They do. They make everything look so magical.’ Faith turned and looked at Hope. She was staring up towards the sky, analyzing every tiny dot. She didn’t say it aloud, but she thought to herself, even if the sky was empty, my life would still be full of stars, because the entire universe is inside of you. Instead, she said to Hope. ‘You light up my sky. You make life worth living.’ Hope turned to her, caught off guard by the sentiment. ‘Faith,’ she said. ‘Don’t say that.’ ‘I’m serious,’ Faith turned her body so that she was facing Hope. ‘I don’t know how I got through life before I met you. Everything is so different now. My entire existence has changed.’ Hope looked away, then looked back at Faith. Her expression was difficult to read. ‘I’m scared,’ she whispered. ‘Of what?’ ‘Falling in love with a girl.’ Faith was quiet. She looked up at the stars, then returned her gaze to Hope. ‘There are worse things in life, Hope. Far worse things.’ HOPE Hope sat in her room that night, questioning everything she once knew. Since birth she was told specific things, how to live, what to think, she went to church, said her prayers and talked to God and Jesus Christ. She learned the rules, knew right from wrong and she understood the sins of the world. But now, she was committing one of those sins every single day, and it was difficult for her to come to terms with. It was easier when she didn’t think about it. Easier when she went about her life like nothing was the matter. She could kiss Faith and not think twice. But then there were other times - times like tonight - where she lay in bed, kept awake by the very thought of her sin alone. She knew that what she was feeling was wrong and immoral, but at the same time, it felt so right. How could that be? If it was truly so wrong to like girls, then why did it make her feel so alive? Then there was the conflicting feelings between her and Matthew. Did she truly love him as much as she believed she did? How would she have known to question any of this if she hadn’t have developed feelings for Faith? And how different would her life be right now if Faith’s parents never separated and her mother never, decided to move to Willows.? Everything happens for a reason, she told herself. It was true, she knew this. So the divorce between Faith’s parents was necessary. From that moment on, everything was just a chain reaction of events, a butterfly effect, one thing leading to another. One door closes, another opens. Certain things needed to happen in order for God to lead Faith to Hope. If God really did love Hope, then would he understand her feelings? Or would he despise her and banish her to Hell? Faith said that God would accept anyone for who they were. People are born this way, Faith said. You Don’t choose to be gay - you just are. Was that true? Could Hope have been born this way and simply never known? Perhaps it was like in the movies when people don’t realize they have a super power until something triggers it. Perhaps Faith was the trigger and this feeling had always been inside of Hope. She never knew to look for it, or even know how to identify it, But she needed that right person to come along, open her up, and show her the way. Explain it to her and help her discover who she really was. But then what about Matthew? Were her feelings for him true? Or did she simply love Matthew because she was supposed to? How was she ever supposed to figure these things out? Hope rolled over in her bed and shoved her face into the pillow. ‘Dear God,’ she said to herself. ‘Please forgive me, for I have sinned.’ She stopped herself, Saying that it was a sin to love Faith felt wrong. More wrong than actually committing the sin itself. And it made Faith angry when Hope called what they had a sin. And besides, if loving Faith was a sin, then Hope wanted to sin for the rest of her life. She would be a sinner if that’s what it took to have Faith. She loved her. She truly loved her. And she was just now realizing it. Hope turned onto her back and faced the ceiling. She closed her eyes and recited a different prayer instead of her usual one. ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Amen.’ The next morning before she had to leave for camp, Hope sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast with her parents, Her father was having a hard - boiled egg, her mother a strawberry smoothie and Hope was simply having cereal. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t want to be like her parents. ‘Tell me the story of how you met,’ Hope said suddenly. Her parents looked up and met her eyes. ‘You want to hear this right now?’ Joana asked. ‘You have to go soon.’ ‘Just tell me quickly,’ Hope said. She finished her cereal and pushed the bowl into the center of the table. ‘Okay.’ Joana exchanged a smile with her husband. ‘Your father and I had known each other since we were kids. We were good friends, actually. But then when we were about your age, something changed. I guess we realized. What had been right in front of our eyes the entire time, but too shy to admit it.’ ‘That’s it?’ ‘That’s it,’ Gabriel said, going back to this egg. Hope sat there for a moment, thinking it all through, ‘How did you know you were in love?’ They both looked at her again. ‘Sweetheart, what is it about?’ Joana asked. ‘You already know that you’re in love with Matthew.’ ‘I know,’ Hope said quickly, ‘I’m just wondering, that’s all.’ ‘I guess I knew because, well, I felt incomplete without him. There would be days or weekends when we were apart, and I felt this aching inside of me that was like no other. And when we were together again, that pain would cease and be replaced with a feeling of utter joy.’ ‘What about you, dad?’ she turned to her father. He finished off his egg and wiped his mouth with a serviette. ‘I knew I loved your mother from the moment I first laid eyes on her. There was never a question of if, It was only when.’ Joana smiled and reached out to place her hand over his. ‘That’s wonderful,’ Hope said. ‘I’m sure you and Matthew will be telling the same stories to your children one day,’ Joana said to her daughter. ‘Yeah,’ Hope said. ‘Maybe.’