FAITH & HOPE 38

FAITH So far her grand plans for the remainder of the summer hadn’t progressed. Faith had spend the day inside, sulking, only leaving the house once to see Hope. Her mother had knocked on her bedroom door that morning, politely asking to speak with her, but she refused. Faith didn’t even want to give her mother the time of day to explain herself. She was furious and she justified her fury by, of course, making everything about her. How this would affect their family, their relationship. Hope’s words crossed her mind. She deserves to find happiness again. Faith almost agreed, but then she thought about her mother moving on from her father, replacing them, being selfish, and she was just as angry as she was before. She didn’t need to talk to her mother. Didn’t want to. Nothing her mother could say would fix this or change things. Just when Faith thought things were taking a turn for the better between the two of them, she had to go and do this, instantly ruining all the progress they had made. Faith tried to keep busy and occupy her time. She drew in her sketchbook, then threw it at the wall. She couldn’t even take photos because she didn’t have any film left. She made a mental note to ask Donny to get her some this week. She paced her room back and forth, feeling the budding boredom that was becoming her life. She was angry and agitated. Everything was bothering her. She often got in these moods where everything had the ability to piss her off. She was used to it by now. She just wished that there was something - anything - she could do to take her mind off things. She looked to her closet and debated getting out her bong. Two quick hits and this could all be solved, she thought. But something inside of her overpowered that desire and she decided against it. She let out a loud cry of anguish before falling backwards onto her bed. How did people do this? How did people survive not going to school or work? How did average people fill their time? Well, they went out, made friends, talked to people. It wasn’t that difficult, was it? She had done it once before. Beginning of summer with Carson and Jake. And she had become friends with Hope, after all. Three friends in one month, that was progress. She decided to go for a walk. Perhaps she could clear her head, think everything through thoroughly. Who needed Dagga or alcohol to feel better? Faith was turning over a new leaf. Fresh air and cold water was all she needed. She sat on the docks with her feet dangling in the water. There was something so calming about being near the lake. She felt as though she could stare out into the vast greatness of it all and get lost forever. How the water reflected the blue sky. How it rippled with the wind, washing into the shore. She heard the sound of children laughing and turned around, only to see a group of kids running near the water, throwing sand at each other. It made her think about her own childhood, how simple everything used to be. When you’re a kid, you don’t think about the future. You Don’t think about the consequences. Sure, you think about what you’re going to be when you’re older ( a fireman, an astronaut, a doctor), but you don’t think about it critically. You just envision yourself as an older version and create some happy life around it all. A cool job, a spouse, some children. It’s too easy. At that age, you do not possess the capacity to truly understand the workings of the world. To really delve into the human psyche and consider your future self. What makes you happy? What do you consider successful? It was all bullshit, Faith thought. A person is born, they live, then they die. Why make it more complex than it has to be? Faith remembered back to a time when she was only five or six, And Grace was about nine. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had happened, but she was upset with her parents. Most likely they told her no or took away a toy of hers. Faith told Grace that she wanted to run away. Of course, being the great big sister that she was, Grace agreed to run away with her. Together, they each packed a small bag of their belongings, snuck out the back door, and headed out into the world. At the time, it felt like a whole new experience. Feeling her heart beating through her chest, adrenaline pumping through her veins. The thrill of sneaking out and running away was exhilarating. Leaving the boundaries of their backyard, exploring new territory and feeling lost yet free simultaneously. It was all so liberating. Of course, the feeling only lasted minutes. At the time, it felt as though she and Grace had been gone for hours. In reality, their father came looking for them and found them huddled near a tree, shaking and crying, only thirty minutes after their departure. It had seemed like a good plan at the time, Faith thought. Running away, escaping from the restraints of her parents. But it wasn’t until she got out into the real world that she realized she could make it out there on her own. And by the time she realized this mistake, it was already too late; they didn’t know their way home. Faith couldn’t help but feel that her current life was turning out the exact same way.

HOPE ‘Why did Vincent Van Gogh cut off his own ear?’ Faith asked. They were sitting in Hope’s basement, the blank television screen in front of them. The film had finished twenty minutes ago, and Hope and Faith were finishing off the rest of the popcorn. ‘I think he was insane,’ Hope replied, tossing another kernel into her mouth. ‘Didn’t he like, give it to a woman or something?’ ‘A prostitute in France I think..’ ‘Gross,’ Faith said. ‘Imagine. Opening up an envelope and seeing someone’s ear.’ ‘Then I’m pretty sure he checked himself into a mental institution. And thus, Starry Night was born.’ ‘That’s so fucked up.’ ‘I know.’ ‘No, I meant the painting. It’s fucked up how even insanity has the ability to create the most profound artwork.’ ‘That’s deep.’ Faith shoved more popcorn into her mouth. ‘The struggling artist trope,’ she mumbled. ‘That will be me.’ ‘You Won’t be struggling. You’ll be thriving.’ ‘Maybe I’ll cut off my ear and send it to you.’ ‘How romantic.’ Faith sighed. ‘I feel weird, Hope.’ ‘Define weird.’ ‘I can’t, that’s the thing. I can’t put into words how I’m feeling and that irritates me. It’s always been this way. I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I’ve never talked about it before.’ ‘You’re concerning me,’ Hope stifled a small laugh. ‘Don’t go Van Gogh on me now. Do I need to call a psych ward?’ Faith sat up and faced Hope, pushing the bowl of popcorn to the side. ‘Can you pretend to be my therapist for like, five minutes or something?’ ‘Sure.’ Hope sat up straight as well and put on her serious face. Faith laughed, then tried to regain her seriousness. ‘I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me,’ she explained. ‘Not just after Grace died. Before that too. Like there’s this darkness inside of me that I can’t explain.’ ‘What kind of darkness?’ ‘I don’t know, that’s the thing. It’s so hard for me to put into words.’ It’s was quiet for a moment. ‘I used to cut myself.’ Hope’s eyes widened. ‘I don’t anymore,’ Faith quickly added. ‘I stopped.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why what?’ ‘Did you stop?’ Faith thought about this. ‘Because my parents were getting concerned.’ ‘Now I’m concerned.’ ‘Why?’ ‘You didn’t stop because it was wrong. You stopped because it was affecting the people around you. That’s not good, Faith.’ ‘But still, I stopped.’ ‘Yes, but not for the right reasons. You didn’t stop for yourself.’ ‘My dad threatened to send me away,’ Faith said quietly. ‘I guess I knew it was wrong. But it became so normal for me. The blade to my wrists. The bleeding. I don’t know.’ Hope felt her heart aching for Faith, She looked at this girl in front of her and thought, you are so damaged. Why have you experienced such tragedy in your short life? ‘It was mostly because of Grace, I think,’ Faith said, ‘The cutting, I mean. But the feeling inside of me.. That has been there for a long time. As long as I can remember. It’s always been a part of me.’ ‘Have you ever talked about it with anyone?’ ‘No, That’s why I’m telling you now.’ ‘Not even Sebastian?’ ‘Not even Sebastian.’ ‘Oh,’ Hope said. She didn’t know how that made her feel. That she was the first person Faith was opening up to be about something so serious. ‘And sometimes, I have good days. Like, really good days. But most of the time, I have bad days. And that’s how I felt when I first moved her. That every day was going to be terrible for the rest of my shitty life. This feeling would overpower me. Corner me and make me feel small. Like I’m not worth anything and I don’t deserve happiness. But then,’ Faith looked at Hope. ‘Then something changed. And now my days seem brighter, even when it’s raining.’ ‘What changed?’ Hope asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know the answer. ‘I don’t have to say.’ Faith said. ‘You already know.’ Hope’s mouth was dry, but she forced herself to swallow. Faith sighed. ‘But it’s like a roller coaster.’ she said. ‘Sometimes it’s good. And it’s really good. But then it gets bad again and I can’t control any of it. Even if nothing bad is physically happening in my life, it’s as though this darkness just takes over and I have no control.’ Hope sat in silence and stared at Faith. She had no idea how to form the words that would comfort Faith or bring her any sort of reassurance. ‘I can’t help you,’ Hope found herself saying. ‘I cannot alleviate the great suffering that emanates from inside of you. There is nothing I can do for you. But I will be there for you. And I will listen to whatever you want me to hear. Do you understand that, Faith? I will be there.’ Faith stared at her and Hope wasn’t sure if she had said the wrong thing. Her heart sped up and she feared that Faith would leave in silence, never saying anything to her again. And that would be the worst thing, never hearing Faith’s voice. But she didn’t leave. She just opened her mouth and said one thing. ‘Thank You. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from somebody.’