FAITH & HOPE 30

HOPE It was Friday night and Hope was alone in her bedroom. Her parents were downstairs watching a movie and Matthew was at his house spending the evening with family friends. The girls had invited Hope to a bonfire with them, but Hope politely declined. It was one thing to force a smile and go out for milkshakes with Matthew earlier, but now, she simply couldn’t see herself leaving the house. She just wanted to stay inside, under the covers, where nothing could ruin her mood. Albeit, her mood was already tarnished to begin with. She would allow herself this little bit of alone time to sulk and think. She would allow her mind to go to the places she didn’t want it to, and she would consider the consequences. She had been avoiding doing this all week. But now she had nowhere else to run. She had to face it. She had to analyze everything that she had been experiencing. Here was what she knew: Faith was her friend. Someone she had grown extremely close to in a short period of time. They hung out. They laughed. They told each other secrets. But was there something more to it? Some internal, subconscious feelings that neither of them had recognized.? She always knew that her friendship with Faith was different, right from the get - go. She contrasted her friendship with Faith to her friendship with the girls and nothing seemed to compare. Things with Faith were different, it was obvious. Just how different, though, Hope could not be sure. But if Faith had feelings for Hope, how did Hope not know? And if Hope, too, had feelings for Faith, how did she herself not know? The words scattered across her mind in a flash, sexual deviancy. She was about to push them away, yet again, but she knew she couldn’t. She had told herself that she would think about this critically, analyzing it all. And in order to do so, she needed to consider all possibilities. Was she a sexual deviant? A homosexual of sorts? Normally, she simply would have disregarded the thought and concluded that it was ridiculous, preposterous, and impossible. Hope was not gay. She couldn’t be. It was one of the greatest sins she could commit. But then there was that kiss. The electricity that ran through her body. The nauseous feeling that haunted her all week. The spins, the shakes, the flashes of Faith. She knew what it was. She had always know what it was, right from the very moment it happened. She was just too afraid to admit to herself. And the truth was this: Faith’s kiss hadn’t left her feeling ill all week from regret and disgrace. No, quite the opposite, She was feeling this way because. In that moment. She had enjoyed it, And that was what scared her most. It was late WHEN Hope got to her door. It had taken all of the strength inside her to fight the internal struggle that was in her mind. She could have stayed in bed, ignored the realities of the real world, and never had to face the consequences. But she knew that was the easy way out. And Hope didn’t play life on the easy side. Besides, she had to know for sure. She had to identify these feelings and emotions that were bursting from inside of her to be certain of what they were, what they meant. If she simply ignored them, then she would never truly know. She had only been to Faith’s house once or twice, either dropping something off or walking her home after they had hung out. But she knew it by heart. Had memorized the steps it took to get there. She could feel the apprehension seeping through her body as she approached the front door. Hope rang the doorbell and waited patiently. It was after ten o’clock. She hoped that she wasn’t disturbing Faith’s mother. Or Faith, for that matter. But she knew better than anybody that Faith wouldn’t be going to sleep for a long time. This was too important to wait. Too crucial. Her body felt as though it were being electrocuted. She wanted to crawl out of her skin. Take a step back and look at herself from a third person perspective and revaluate everything. It had only been four days since they last saw each other, but Hope was feeling the withdrawal of Faith as though she were as necessary to her as the very air she breathed. It was crazy, feeling this way. She tried to shake out the thoughts, tried to correct her sinful behaviour. But she couldn’t. She had to come here to confront her own emotions. She had to be sure. ‘Hope,’ Claudia opened the door, looking surprised to see her. ’Is everything alright?’ Hope didn’t realize that she was shivering and that her teeth were chattering until Claudia was staring at her, a look of concern growing on her face. ’Sorry to bother you so late. Is Faith here?’ Claudia stared at her for a moment, evaluating her. ’She’s in her room. Go on up,’ she opened the door wider and let Hope inside. ‘Thank you.’ Hope headed up the stairs, down the hallway, and knocked faintly on Faith’s door. Then, after giving it a second thought, she simply reached for the handle and turned, pushing the door open. ‘Hope,’ Faith stood, caught off guard. She had been sitting on her bed, holding something. ’What are you doing here…’ Faith never finished her sentence. Before Hope realized what she was doing, Her legs were carrying her across the room, heading directly for Faith, a magnetic pull. Hope’s hands seemed to float to Faith’s cheeks instinctively. She held her face in her hands as she leaned forward and pressed her lips against hers. And there it was, The electricity. The jolt through her entire body. Hope shuddered backwards. Faith stared at her, wide eyed. She brought her hand to her own face, her fingers lingering across her lips. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Hope said, then she broke down in tears. She fell to the floor in a crouching position and began to sob. Faith quickly knelt down next to her, placing her hand on her back. ’What’s wrong? What happened?’ ‘I was right,’ Hope said through her tears. ‘There’s something wrong with me.’ ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’ ‘Then why am I feeling this way?’ Faith bit her lip. She didn’t know what to say. ‘This is so bad,’ Hope continued. ’So wrong.’ ‘It’s okay, please stop crying,’ Faith rubbed small circles around her back. ‘I’m not gay,’ Hope said, barely above a whisper. ’I can’t be gay. Homosexuality is a sin. And God will never forgive me for this.’ Faith stopped. ’Do you honestly believe that?’ Hope didn’t make eye contact. ’I do. Because it’s the truth.’ ‘Well,’ Faith said. ’That’s a pretty fucked up religion if your own God doesn’t even accept you for who you are.’ ‘But this isn’t me, Faith!’ Hope cried, finally looking at her. ’This isn’t who I am!’ ‘Then who are you?’ Hope looked away again. ’I don’t know. I’m so confused. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.’ Faith took in a deep breath, then exhaled. ‘God will accept you no matter what you decide to do. Regardless of who you love.’ ‘I love Matthew.’ ‘I don’t know what to tell you.’ Faith said. ‘What can I do?’ Hope looked to Faith again. ’Can I stay the night? I can’t go home. Not like this.’ ‘Of course.’ ‘My parents,’ Hope said. ’They will never forgive me.’ ‘Don’t think about that tonight,’ Faith said, trying to help her stand. She moved Hope to a sitting position on the bed. Faith leaned in close and put her hand on Hope’s arm. Hope jolted away. ’Don’t,’ Hope said. ’This is wrong.’ ‘Ouch, Is that really how you feel?’ ‘Of Course.’ ‘Maybe you should just go home after all, Faith said, standing. ‘No, please,’ Hope reached out and pulled her hand. ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Hope! What do you want me to do?’ ‘I don’t know!’ Hope cried. ’I’m so confused. Why is this happening to me?’ ‘I couldn’t tell you.’ Faith waited a moment, then sat back down beside her. ‘How did you know?’ Hope asked suddenly, looking to Faith. ‘Know what?’ ‘That you were …gay.’ ‘I didn’t. I guess I found out when I kissed you .’ Hope shuddered. ‘But I wouldn’t consider myself gay,’ Faith said. ’I don’t label myself. IF anything, I’d be Bi, considering I like Dick.’ ‘Faith!’ Hope hissed. ’Don’t be profane.’ ‘It’s the truth. Maybe you would have known you were gay sooner if you would’ve hopped on Matthew’s dick by now.’ ‘Stop!’ Hope covered her eyes with her hands. ‘I’m just saying. If you guys would have had sex already, you might have known.’ ‘I don’t think it works that way.’ Hope said. ‘I’m not gay. This is just some big misunderstanding.’ ‘I don’t think so.’ ‘Maybe I’m … what’s that word you used on yourself?’ ‘Bi?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Bisexual,’ Faith said. ’Maybe. That might make sense.’ Hope took in another deep breath. She looked at Faith. ’What is going on between us?’ Faith took a moment to answer. ’I don’t know, Hope. All I know is that one moment, I was dating this boy whom I love deeply. But then I met you. And suddenly, everything changed. I started feeling different. Weird different. And I felt this connection to you. I don’t know how to explain it.’ ‘I feel the same way.’ Hope said quietly, as though she were in confession. ’ None of this makes sense to me. I don’t know how to cope with this.’ She looked up and met Faith’s eyes. ’I’m trying so hard to convince myself of a lie that not even I believe.’ It was quiet for a moment. Then Faith said, ‘Sometimes the lies we tell are really more than the truth ever could. Sometimes the lie is what makes us feel better.’ ‘I just don’t know what I’m going to do.’ ‘Don’t worry about that tonight,’ Faith said. ‘Just get some sleep. You need to rest. We can talk in the morning, okay?’ Hope nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘You take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor,’ Faith went to stand again. ‘No,’ Hope said, grabbing her hand once again. ’Stay with me, Here.’ She looked at Faith intently, her light brown eyes revealing so much more than she could ever express through words. ’I just want someone to hold me.’