FAITH & HOPE 37

FAITH Faith was sitting in her bedroom waiting for Sebastian to arrive. She felt like she hadn’t seen him in ages, when in reality, it had only been a week. She felt bad after cancelling on him last minute on Saturday. So when she found out that he had Monday off work, she invited him up. She fiddled with her pencil, sketching lines onto the blank page. It had been almost two weeks since she last smoked or drank. It felt almost purifying. Faith could never quite determine the exact origin behind her perpetual desire for intoxication. But suddenly it became clear to her: she was always searching for more. Whether it be a person or a feeling, Faith was never satisfied with life. Even while dating Sebastian, Faith indulged in these vices, a method of escape. But it wasn’t until that moment, sitting alone in her bedroom, that Faith realized something had changed. She hadn’t felt the need to get high or drunk and lose herself in someone else. And that person was Hope. The old Faith would have made barfing sounds at that notion alone. She was turning into a giant cheesy cliché. But she couldn’t deny that it was true. Perhaps for the first time in a long time, Faith felt truly content with her life. Happy, even, Was that so crazy to believe? ‘I missed you,’ was the first thing that Sebastian said upon entering her room. He wrapped his arms around her waist and they fell backwards onto her bed. ‘I missed you too,’ she said, then kissed him. But even as she was kissing Sebastian, her mind was elsewhere. Afterwards, they stayed in bed, catching up on each other’s lives. Sebastian told her how his summer had been thus far, what he had been doing to fill his days, what his family was up to. He continuously added how terrible life was back in George since she had left, and how the days seemed to pass by slower than before. Faith shared about her life as well, telling him about attending church camp, leaving church camp and the mother - daughter dance. ‘Things are good between us right now.’ Faith told him. ‘I think.’ ‘That’s good…. That’s progress. Maybe things will turn out to be okay here after all.’ ‘Maybe.’ ‘And what about your dad? You talk to him lately?’ ‘Not really, I don’t know, I might go see him again in a few weeks or something. I mean, it’s not on my list of priorities. But I didn’t have a terrible time last time.; ‘We should get a puppy,’ Sebastian said suddenly. Faith looked at him. ‘What? Why?’ ‘Why not? Puppies are great. And we could share custody. Give me an excuse to come and see you more.’ Faith hesitated. ‘You really think that’s a good idea.?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, I’d have to ask my mom. I don’t know if she wants another dog again.’ ‘It’s been nearly two years,’ Sebastian said, and even though Faith knew he was talking about their dog, Sadie, she couldn’t help but feel as though the statement was directed towards Grace. Faith pulled away from him, ‘It doesn’t matter how long it’s been. You never truly get over a loss.’ ‘I didn’t mean it like that ---’ he reached for her and she let him. ‘I’m sorry’ He stared at her intently, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. ‘It’s fine,’ she said, ‘I’m sure I’ll get over it.’ They sat there in the silence for a while, listening to the sound of each other breathing. ‘You know what’s weird?’ Faith said suddenly. Sebastian looked at her. ‘You’ll never know what it’s like to have period pains,’ she said. ‘Yeah, no shit.’ ‘It’s just weird. The biological differences between males and females. What’s the most painful thing for a guy? Being kicked in the balls? Or having your heart broken?’ ‘Definitely being kicked in the balls.’ ‘Duly noted.’ ‘What about for girls,’ Sebastian said. ‘What’s worse: Period pains, or having your heart broken.’ ‘Having your heart broken,’ Faith said without hesitation. ’because at least with period pains, you know the pain will end.’ It was six - thirty they were sitting in the kitchen eating dinner. Sebastian had offered to take her out, but Faith preferred to just stay in. It was her first official day of ’Freedom,’ since she was no longer enrolled in church camp, yet still, she didn’t quite feel free as of yet. She had the entire day to do whatever she pleased, and for some reason, she didn’t even leave the house. Perhaps she would be more productive tomorrow. She wanted to enjoy her summer and her new - found freedom, but the idea of vast boredom consumed her and she worried that she wouldn’t have anything to do. She began having second thoughts. What if leaving church camp was the wrong decision? What if she’d spend every day until school started bored out of her mind, unsure of what to do? She exhaled and brought her fingers to her forehead. She shouldn’t be thinking this way. It was summer. She was sixteen years old. She needed to be enjoying the simple nothingness of it all, because soon enough, school would take over, and then after that, the real world. And then she’d never have a break again. ‘Do you want dessert?’ Sebastian asked as he collected their plates and brought them to the sink. ’I can make something if you want?’ ‘What did you have in mind?’ Sebastian placed the dishes in the sink and turned on the tap. ’We could bake a cake. Or brownies.’ ‘Only if they’re Pot brownies.’ Sebastian smirked. ’We could make that happen.’ Just then, Claudia entered the kitchen and Faith sat up in her chair, somewhat afraid that her mother had overheard their conversation. ‘Hi, sweetheart.’ She was dressed nicely, and Faith noticed the look of apprehension on her face, She was smoothing down her shirt, fiddling with her collar. Something was up. ‘Where are you going?’ Faith asked, deadpan. Sebastian turned off the tap. Claudia looked at her daughter, bit her bottom lip slightly. ’There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,’ She walked forward hesitantly, then pulled out the chair and sat down across from Faith. ‘Oh dear God, what is it now? Another divorce? Is Donny leaving now too?’ ‘I’m seeing someone,’ Claudia said the words quick and smooth, as if getting them out of the way first would somehow minimize the damage. Faith stared at her mother, gaping. ’What?’ ‘I’m sorry, Faith. I should have told you sooner. But it wasn’t serious. Just a few dates. It still isn’t serious. Just a few dates. It still isn’t serious, Faith, But I just thought you should know. I wanted to tell you.’ She forced a small smile. Faith was quiet for a long time. She stared at her mother. Sebastian and Claudia stared at Faith, waiting. Waiting for … what exactly? Acceptance? Or for the bomb to go off? ‘What the fuck?’ Faith finally said. She pushed out her chair and stood. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you? You think this is okay? You think you can just come in here all sweet and smiling, telling me something like this? And actually expect me to be okay with it?’ Claudia’s eyes widened. Her lips parted to say something, but nothing came out. ‘Well, it’s not!’ Faith continued. ’It’s not okay. It will never fucking be okay!’ She stormed out of the kitchen before she could say anything far, far worse.

HOPE It was Tuesday afternoon and camp had just finished for the day. Hope was heading home to get ready because Matthew was taking her out for dinner. But when she arrived at her house, she knew there was an issue that needed to be addressed first. There, sitting on her front step, was Faith. Hope could immediately tell that something was wrong, just by her body language. Faith looked up at spotted Hope, who had frozen in her tracks. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Hope proceeded walking forwards, taking a seat next to Faith. ‘What’s wrong?’ Hope asked, looking at her. ‘It’s my mom,’ Faith said after a moment. ‘She’s seeing someone.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Like, dating someone, I guess.’ Hope wasn’t sure how to respond, so she remained quiet, knowing that Faith would eventually fill the silence, saying everything she needed to say. ‘I can’t believe her,’ Faith began. ‘They’ve only been separated for two months. Living here one month, And now she’s already moved on and found someone new? What’s the matter with her?’ ‘She has a right to move on, Faith. A right to be happy.’ Faith shot her a glare. ‘No. No, she does not.’ Hope sighed. ‘I don’t know what to tell you.’ ‘Don’t tell me anything.’ Faith said. ‘I didn’t come here for answers. I came here because I needed to talk. And I knew you’d listen.’ ‘Continue then.’ Faith was quiet for a moment, thinking. ‘It feels like a betrayal. Not only to my father, but to me. Like she’s trying to replace us somehow. She Can’t do that. Our family was fine before. Okay, maybe not fine. But still.’ She paused again. ‘What is she even doing dating at her age? She’s like, forty - nine. And who is this mystery man anyways? We’ll need to find out.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘And she’ll stop seeing him. This can’t continue.’ ‘But Faith…’ ‘Don’t say anything.’ ‘Okay.’ Faith sighed. ‘Why is my life always going to shit?’ ‘It’s not. Your life is fine.’ ‘It’s always one thing after another. Just as I surpass one problem, another one arises.’ ‘It’s probably nothing serious,’ Hope suggested. ‘Maybe she just wanted to go on a few dates.’ ‘Oh, it’s serious enough that she felt the need to tell me.’ ‘And what did you say?’ ‘I freaked out. Yelled at her, then left.’ ‘When was this?’ ‘Last night.’ ‘Have you talked to her since?’ ‘No.’ ‘Maybe you could talk with her tonight. I think you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. it’s best to have an open line of communication, especially if this is bothering you so much.’ ‘You sound like a therapist.’ I’m just trying to help.’ It was quiet again and both of them sat there in silence. Finally, Faith spoke, changing the subject. ‘How has camp been without me?’ ‘Pretty lame,’ Hope admitted. ‘I miss you.’ ‘Shucks, I know, I’m quite the catch.’ She put her hand on top of Hope’s. Hope let it linger for a moment, then quickly pulled away and looked around. ‘No one’s here,’ Faith said.

‘I know, but … we can never be too careful.’ Faith rolled her eyes sat up straight. ‘How’s Matthew?’ ‘Good. We’re going out for dinner tonight.’ ‘Yeah? That will be fun.’ Hope nodded. ‘And Sebastian?’ ‘He’s good, He was over yesterday.’ ‘What did you guys do?’ ‘Stuff.’ ‘I see.’ Silence again. ‘Well,’ Faith said as she stood. ‘I don’t want to keep you. You have an important matter to tend to.’ Hope stood as well, mirroring Faith. ‘When can I see you again?’ ‘Whenever you want.’ ‘Come over later?’ ‘What time will you be back?’ ‘I don’t know. Maybe seven?’ ‘Okay,’ ‘We can watch a film or something.’ ‘Sure.’ ‘Just come around seven - thirty. I should be home by then.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘So, I’ll see you then,’ Hope swayed back and forth, fiddling with her hands like she didn’t know what to do with them. ‘Yeah,’ Faith said turning around. ‘See you then.’ Dinner was pleasant, as always. Matthew talked about his day and complimented Hope on her outfit. Hope smiled and nodded as he spoke, listening to the words but not quite caring all that much. It was strange for her to act this way, especially given the fact that she absolutely adored Matthew. But her mind was distracted. She was thinking about other things. Jealousy. It was an emotion that Hope wasn’t familiar with. She never envied people or felt the need to be jealous. She truly and honestly believed from the bottom of her heart that everyone deserved love and happiness. Why would she ever envy someone when her life was perfectly fine as it was? But it turned out that there were more things to envy than Hope initially imagined. Like Sebastian, for instance. And his relationship with Faith. It was trivial for Hope to feel jealous of them. They had a serious relationship. And besides, Hope herself was in a committed relationship. One that would prosper into marriage and would only end eighty years down the line when one of them, probably Matthew, passed first. That was how it had always been. So why the sudden change? Well, ever since her life had been tipped upside - down and she was forced to re-evaluate everything she thought she once knew about herself. She figured the emotion called envy must have suddenly been thrown into the mix. The rush in her chest, the spinning in her head. How she knew that Faith was hanging out with Sebastian. Kissing him, loving him, all while they were simultaneously developing feelings for each other. Was Faith right before when she said she was cheating? Did that mean that Hope, too, was cheating on Matthew? Even if you have the slightest feeling for someone else, Faith had said, then it’s cheating. It was being unfaithful to the one you’re with. And something else Faith had said. Do I truly love Sebastian as much as I think I do? Because if I did, I wouldn’t have developed feelings for you.