FAITH & HOPE 23

FAITH

Faith had gotten used to church camp. That didn’t mean that she enjoyed it, but she had gotten used to it. But perhaps it wasn’t the camp itself that she had adjusted so contently to.

Her mother wasn’t complaining which was a good sign. Donny was busy each day with work and Faith felt that she hardly saw him anymore. Despite what you may think, she was happy for her brother. She always had her doubts in him, believing that he’d never figure out what he wanted to do with his life; that he’d simply live at home forever, sponging off their parents. But here he was, going out into the world, making an income, doing something with his life.

Perhaps Faith’s opinions towards her brother were a subconscious projection of her own self - consciousness and unease about the future, After that conversation she had with Hope two weeks prior, Faith felt even more lost and confused than she was before, Hope was so …hopeful. She had dreams and aspirations, and was ready to navigate her way through life. Faith, on the other hand, was lost. And she didn’t know if she’d ever find herself. That was what worried her the most.

They had been living in Willows for nearly a month now and if Faith had learned one thing. It was this, nothing is ever as it seems, The second thing was to not be so close - minded. Because even when you have your mind set on something, everything could change.

Claudia was forcing Faith to go see her father this weekend. She protested at first, said she’d rather peel her own skin off. But after thinking it through, she decided that she didn’t want to fight with her mother. And if going to see her dad was what it took to get her off her back, then so be it. Besides, she’d have to face the music sometime. It was inevitable. She couldn’t hide from him forever. She only wished that it hadn’t had to come to this so soon.

At least Donny would be accompanying her. Claudia gave them permission to take her car - Donny would drive, she made that clear - so that they wouldn’t have to worry about bus and train schedules. It would be a two and a half hour drive to Cape Town, but knowing Donny’s driving, it would more likely be two.

Faith went to Hope’s place Friday after camp. Joana was knitting a blanket and needed supplies from the local shop. Hope happily volunteered - as always - so Faith accompanied her on her little shopping endeavour. Once they were back, the two of them helped Joana for a bit, then slowly migrated to Hope’s room.

Faith always enjoyed being at Hope’s house. It was so cosy and delicate. Had such a familial feel to it, something Faith felt that her own home lacked. The windows were open and they could hear the birds chirping. Hope sat in her beanbag chair and Faith lay on her back on Hope’s bed.

Hope had done a phenomenal job at decorating her bedroom, Faith thought. Normally she didn’t pay attention to those sorts of things, but it was one of the main reasons why Faith enjoyed being at Hope’s place so much. Everything was so …. Nice.

‘When will you be back?’ Hope asked, flipping to a new page in her journal.

‘Probably Sunday night.’

Hope nodded, writing something down.

‘How did your brother find it the last time he went?’

##

‘He said it wasn’t bad. Apparently dad has a nice place right in the heart of Newtown.’ Faith explained. ‘Personally. I hate the city. But I guess it will be a change of scenery.’

‘It will be good for you,’ Hope said, eyes focused on the page.

Faith sat up on her elbows and looked at her. “What are you writing?’

‘Nothing.’

‘It has to be something.’

‘I’m just jotting things down. Making lists.’

Faith looked around the room, then flopped back on the bed. ‘I wonder what he’ll expect us to do.’

‘What do you usually do with him?’

‘Nothing. We don’t spend time together.;

Hope looked up, then and met her eyes.

‘Well maybe now is your chance.’

‘Save me the agony.’

‘You’re still mad at him?’

‘I’ll always be mad at him.’

‘It’s not his fault, you know.’

‘What’s not?’

‘The divorce.’

‘Oh, I know that,’ Faith said. ‘It’s both of their faults.’

‘Then how come you’re not as angry at your mom?’

‘It’s not that simple,’ Faith explained. ‘I am still angry at her. I’ll always be angry at her. But I live with her. I’ve just gotten used to her, I guess. I can’t just not talk to her ever.’

‘But because you don’t see your dad….’

‘It’s easier, Yeah.’

‘Doesn’t it ever feel suffocating, holding onto all that anger?’

‘That’s a loaded question.’

‘You should try to forgive them, Faith.’

‘How would you feel if your parents got divorced?’

‘They wouldn’t do that.’

‘But what if they did?’ Faith persisted.

‘Think about how that would make you feel.’

Hope was quiet for moment. Then she said, ‘You’re not the only one who’s had bad things happen to them, Faith. You need to move on. Forgiveness is the key to finding your happiness again.’

‘Who said my happiness was lost?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

‘No,’ Faith said. ‘Now shut up, you should like a fortune Cookie.’

‘I’m just trying to help.’

‘Yeah, well, You’re doing a pretty shit job.’

They departed that evening around five O’clock. Donny drove fast, as expected. They only stopped once at a Shell Stop to use the restroom and get a few cans of soda. Donny kept his music playing, but after fifteen minutes of continuous begging from Faith, he finally allowed her to put something on that she wanted.

Donny and Faith had always gotten along decently. They weren’t particularly close, but they didn’t hate each other either. Their relationship was more indifferent than anything. He stayed out of her way, she stayed out of his. Sometimes they’d congregate in the kitchen while they were both getting midnight munchies and discuss something of common interest. Other times, they’d pass right by each other without acknowledging one another’s existence. It was how they cohabitated. And neither of them seemed to mind.

A close relationship with her brother would feel strained after the death of Grace. As though Faith were somehow replacing one sibling with the other. She could never do that to her sister. So things remained neutral with Donny. Never getting too close, never sharing too many secrets. He was simply there.

They talked off and on throughout their journey to their father’s place, made small talk, but mainly listened to the music. Faith would make a remark about something and Donny would counter it. Then they’d find some common ground - a movie they both saw recently, a song they both enjoyed - and they could go off on a tangent. Faith like it that way. She didn’t expect too much from her brother. In fact, she didn’t expect anything at all, He wasn’t a shoulder to cry on and he wasn’t her confidant. He was her brother, Her DNA, That was it.

Finally, they arrived at their destination…..

##

William Everett was beaming to see his children. It had only been two weekends since Donny had come up for his visit, but it had been nearly a month since he’d seen Faith. She stood awkwardly in his embrace, waiting for the moment to be over. He sensed her unease and released her from his grasp.

‘It’s good to see you, Faith.’

‘I call the spare bedroom!’ Donny called out as he walked through the apartment. It was a decent size, from what Faith could tell. A renovated kitchen. A comfortable looking living room.

‘What does he mean?’ Faith said, hastily looking to her father. ‘There’s only one bedroom?’

‘You’ll get my room of course.’

‘As opposed to?’

‘The couch. I figured one of you would get the spare room, so I’ve already prepared the couch for myself.’

‘You mean there’s only one spare room!?’

‘No one else lives here, Faith. What did you expect/’

She stared at her father, blinked once. ‘I don’t know.’

She sighed and he took her overnight bag from her hands. She followed him through the apartment and down the back hallway, where there were two bedrooms opposing one another. The first evidently her father’s room. A queen size bed sat in the center of the room against the back wall. There was a television in the corner, a dresser with a mirror above, and some boxes still on the floor. William walked in front of her and placed her bag on the bed.

‘I changed the sheets and everything. Here’s the remote,’ he handed it to her. ‘But I was thinking perhaps the three of us could get dinner and play some card games afterwards?’

‘Already ate,’ Faith lied, taking the remote from his hand. ‘I’m pretty exhausted. If I’m being honest. Maybe tomorrow.’

‘Okay,’ he said, visibly disappointed by his daughter’s answer. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.’ He turned around and let her be.

She waited a whole five minutes before exiting the bedroom and barging into the spare room across the hall where Donny was staying.

‘Not too shabby,’ she said as she sauntered into the room, observing her surroundings.

‘You jealous?’

‘Not at all. Kind of smells in here, actually.’

‘No it doesn’t.’

‘Open a window, Donny.’

‘Leave.’

She stayed, looking around, observing the room. It was almost identical to her father’s room, except less furniture and a different setup.

‘What did you do last time you were here?’ she asked him.

He flopped on the bed and shrugged. ‘We watched a movie. Went for lunch. Then he kind of just took me around the city.’

‘God, I hope he doesn’t do that with me.’

‘He probably won’t’

‘Why?..’

‘Because he knows you’d hate it.’

Back in her father’s room, Faith found herself stuck idle. She wasn’t used to this strange environment, and therefore, did not know what to do with herself. She turned on the television and flickered around the channels, but couldn’t settle on anything good. She fiddled with her fingers, picked at her cuticles. Went through her bag, pulling everything out, examining it, then shoving it back inside.

Finally, around nine thirty, she wandered into the living room to find her father. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV.

‘Everything okay?’ he said once he saw her.

‘I’m kind of hungry.’

‘What would you like?’ he stood immediately.

She followed him into the kitchen. ‘What do you have?’

He opened the fridge, then opened the cupboard, began pulling things out. He held up a box of Cookies and she grabbed them.

‘Do you want a sandwich or something?’ he asked her.

‘No’

‘Cereal?’

‘Actually, yes. Cereal would be divine.’

He handed her a box of cheerios and she retrieved the milk from the fridge.

‘What do you eat at your mother’s?’

‘Human remains.’

‘She feeding you well?’

‘Obviously’ she opened up a cupboard, handing her a bowl. She took it from him and poured some milk inside.

‘How is your mother?’ he asked.

‘Fine.’

‘And you?’ he said. ‘How are you doing, Faith? How’s Willows?’

‘Don’t even get me started on Willows.’ she said, holding the bowl close to her chin and taking a spoonful of cereal into her mouth. She slurped loudly and walked towards the table. William took a seat across from her.

‘What do you do there?’

Faith swallowed her food. ‘Mom enrolled me in a church programme. It’s quite awful, really. Other than that, I don’t do too much. Draw. Read. Go for walks. The lake isn’t bad.’

‘Your mother mentioned that,’ he said. ‘Do you swim in it?’

‘Sometimes, yeah.’

‘Has Sebastian been up to visit?’

‘Mhmm,’ she nodded, taking another spoonful. ‘He likes it. Says it isn’t so bad.’

‘It’s probably not.’

‘Like you’d know.’

He was quiet for a moment. ‘And how are you doing with…’ he said cautiously, eyes drifting to her wrists.

‘Don’t,’ she warned.

‘I have to ask.’

‘Please spare me.’

‘Faith, I’m serious.’

‘I’m fine, dad.’

‘LET ME SEE.’

‘No!’

‘Faith.’

She pushed her chair from the table and stood. ‘You want me to leave? Is that it? I’ll pack up my bag and take the car right now.’

‘Sit down, Faith.’

Something about this tone made her obey. Slowly, she sat back down in her seat.

‘Let me see,’ he said sternly.

She was hesitant at first, but after a moment, she found herself rolling up her sleeves.

Her father leaned forward and observed her wrists. He sat back in his chair, satisfied.

‘I told you.’ she said, rolling her sleeves back down.

‘I had to make sure.’

‘Whatever,’ she rolled her eyes and grabbed the spoon, then decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. She pushed the bowl to the center of the table.

‘I’m just looking out for you, Faith. You know that.’

‘You don’t seem to be trying too hard.’

‘There’s only so much I can do for you. I expect your mother to look out for you when I’m not there.’

‘She does.’

‘Does she?’

‘Yes.’

He was quiet for a moment, trying to think of something to say. ‘Are you excited to start school in January?”

‘Why on earth would I be excited for school?’

He let out a humbling laugh. ‘What about Donny? How’s he doing? Be honest.’

‘He’s actually great, surpisingly. Doing better than me.’

‘Really?’

She nodded. ‘He loves this job. I think it keeps him focused. Gives him a motivation for life.’

‘Well that’s good,’ he said. ‘I’m proud of him.’

‘Yeah, at least you have one child who’s not a fuckup.’

‘Hey,’ he said to her sternly. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘Why? You know it’s true.’

‘Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re the last thing from a fuckup.’

‘Whatever,’ she went to stand.

‘Faith,’ he said. She stopped and looked at him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the words didn’t come.

She turned around and headed for the bedroom.

‘I love you,’ she heard him call out from behind her.

‘I know,’ was all she said.