FAITH & HOPE 39

FAITH It was Thursday afternoon. The week hadn’t turned out as bad as it had begun. Faith found ways to occupy herself; thinking of new drawings to sketch, going for walks, swimming in the lake, exploring the town, and of course, seeing Hope. But there was still the looming problem at hand: her mother and her dating life. Faith hadn’t spoken to her mother since Monday night after she broke the news. Each day was the same. Claudia attempted to make contact and Faith turned her out. But It had been four days. Faith knew she couldn’t keep this up forever. So that evening, when her mother knocked on her door, speaking in that low, delicate voice, Faith caved and told her to come in. It was quiet for a very long time. Claudia stood at the door, staring at Faith, Faith staring back. ‘I’m so sorry,’ her mother said. ‘I can’t apologize enough. I told him that we can’t see each other anymore.’ ‘What? Seriously?’ Claudia nodded. ‘I know now how wrong that was of me. And I didn’t know how greatly it would affect you. And Donny, for that matter. And so I just want to apologize, and let you know how sorry I truly am. I never meant to hurt you. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.’ Faith stared at her mother, unsure of what to say, how to proceed. She opened her mouth. ‘I’m sorry, too,’ she found herself saying. Hope’s words were ringing in the back of her mind. She deserves to be happy.’ I overreacted. I was being an immature bitch.’ ‘No, you weren’t.’ ‘I was,’ Faith said. ‘I guess we were both in the wrong.’ ‘I’m sorry I put you in that position. It was unfair to you.’ ‘Okay,’ Faith said. ‘And I’m sorry that I got so angry. I guess it just upset me that you were seeing someone. Because it feels like you and dad only just separated. And I’m still getting used to the idea that the two of you are no longer together.’ Claudia’s eyes were sympathetic. She walked forward and sat at the edge of Faith’s bed. She leaned closer and hugged her daughter. At first Faith did not move. But after a moment , she brought her arms up and hugged her mother back. When they pulled apart, Claudia looked into her eyes. ‘I promise to be more honest with you in the future, okay? I will tell you what is happening in my life.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘But you have to tell me how you are feeling as well. I’m not a mind - reader, Faith. You have to talk to me. Communicate with me.’ ‘Okay.’ It was quiet again. ‘Okay,’ Claudia stood up. ‘Well, I need to get back to work. I’ll see you at dinner.’ ‘Mhmmm,’ Faith nodded, and then her mother was gone. Faith was at Hope’s house. The Chamberlain’s were out with Matthew’s family doing something involving the church, so the two had the house to themselves. Faith always loved when Hope’s parents were gone. Any moment that she had in seclusion with Hope was a moment to cherish. And besides, Faith like hanging out at Hope’s house more than her own. She needed to escape from that place, not spend more time in it. And fortunately for her, Hope’s place provided the solace that she so deeply required. Hope was seated on the bench in front of her piano. She explained to Faith how she grew up playing the piano and it was one of her biggest passions. She loved writing songs and creating notes an melodies. Faith thought it was intriguing that Hope had so many talents. She was so brilliant and endowing, something Faith could only Aspire to be. She sat in silence and listened as Hope stroked the keys, playing a rhythm. She laughed when she messed up a note and would start over. Hope was self - conscious of her playing, but Faith found it astonishing and soothing. Simply sitting there listening to Hope play was enough to drive out all of her demons. It was enough to make her forget every bit of anguish and tragedy that she had ever experienced. ‘Write me a song,’ Faith said suddenly. Hope turned to her. ‘What, like, right now?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I can’t do that!’ Hope laughed. ‘It takes me a long time to write a song. Develop the notes and everything.’ ‘Not on the piano,’ Faith said, hovering her hand over Hope’s. ‘Just write me something short and quick. Something to pass the time.’ Hope stared at her. ‘Seriously?’ ‘Seriously.’ Hope sighed and brought out her journal that she was always carrying around with her. ‘Give me a minute,’ she said, taking out her pencil and bringing it to the page. ‘I’m warning you - have very low expectations.’ ‘Okay,’ Faith laughed. She sat there and watched Hope write. How she made weird shapes with her lips when she was thinking, how she brought the pencil to her ear. Less than five minutes passed when Hope looked up and met Faith’s eyes. ‘Well,’ Faith said. ‘Let’s hear it!’ ‘It’s not really a song,’ Hope said. ‘More like a verse. OR a short poem.’ ‘I’m okay with that.’ ‘Okay …’ Hope said. ‘Here we go.’ She cleared her throat, eyes focused on the page. ‘There once was a girl named Faith. She lived with no time to waste. She kissed me once, she kissed me twice, she said to pick up the pace.’ Faith stared at her, grinning from cheek to cheek. Hope closed the book shut. ‘It’s stupid, I know.’ ‘I love it!’ ‘Really?’ ‘That was so cute. I love it.’ Hope laughed. ‘Well, good, I’m glad.’ Faith leaned in and kissed her. ‘Now you have to write me one,’ Hope sat back and smiled. ‘Me?’ Faith asked. ‘I can’t write.’ ‘Yes you can. You can do anything.’ ‘Oh, no.’ ‘Come on, at least try. You can use the same algorithm as mine. Just follow the rhyming scheme.’ ‘Lord, Seriously?’ ‘Just try it!’ Faith sighed in defeat. ‘Fine.’ ‘Yay!’ Hope clapped her hands together. ‘Give me that,’ Faith grabbed the book from her. She opened it and put the pencil to the page. At first she couldn’t think of anything; her mind was blank. But then she looked up at Hope, said her name in her head. Hope. A few minutes later, she was finished. ‘Ready?’ Faith asked. ‘Of course.’ Faith cleared her throat and sat up straighter on the bench, ‘Okay,’ she laughed, then tried to take herself seriously to rehearse the poem. “There once was a girl named Hope. I’ll admit, she was better than Dope. She had eyes like an Angel her hair never tangled, and she always smelled of lilac soap.’ Faith turned towards Hope to see her reaction. Hope was grinning just as widely as Faith had been. ‘I’m better than Dope, Huh?’ Hope said. ‘Only slightly’ Faith responded, and then Hope was kissing her and nothing else mattered.

HOPE

Hope was learning that even when everything seemed alright, sometimes everything was far from alright. It was difficult, learning the trickery of this allusion. Watching for key moments or signs that would indicate whether something was amiss or not. It became a Game to her: watching, observing, analyzing. Hope knew That Faith wasn’t normal; that much had been apparent from the initial meeting. But the more that she got to know Faith, the more she realized the great severity of the situation. Faith was a melancholy person. She had a growing darkness inside of her that no one could eradicate. For the first time in her life, Hope was at a standstill. She knew that there was nothing she could do for Faith, no way to help her. Nothing at all. And that took a lot to come to terms with. The idea frightened her because that was Hope’s second nature, helping people. All she did was help others and put them before herself. So when faced with a situation such as the one of Faith, Hope didn’t know what to do. It kept her up at night, the thought of Faith’s pain and suffering. And the worst part of all was that Hope could never be sure when Faith was happy and when she was sad. Because when Faith was around Hope, she’d put on a Mask. She’d act happy even if she wasn’t. Perhaps she truly was happy when they were together. Maybe Hope had the ability to turn her grey skies to pink. But not all the time. And that’s what was bothering her. Hope had this strong urge to fix Faith. She knew that Faith wasn’t broken, yet still, the word fix was what came to her mind. She wanted to remedy her problems, alleviate her pain. She wanted to patch her up, give her a kiss, and ensure she was happy and smiling. But it wasn’t that simple. Faith’s problems could not be fixed with a Band - Aid or a Lollipop. They were so internal and integrated deep inside of her mind that not even the most experienced doctors could fix her. So what to do? The question nagged at Hope as she tried to sleep at night. She tossed and turned, threw off the covers, turned over her pillow. This how Faith must feel, Hope thought, knowing that Faith was plagued with insomnia and an overactive mind. How did she ever truly rest? How did she ever just turn it all off? The noises, the sounds, the thoughts. It must be torturous for her. And yet still, the conclusion was the same; there was nothing Hope could do. ‘Is Sebastian still coming up this weekend?’ Hope said to Faith. It was Friday afternoon and they were sitting down by the lake, eating their ice - cream cones. ‘Yeah, tomorrow morning.’ Hope licked the cone to where the vanilla ice - cream was beginning to drip down the side. ‘There’s a party tomorrow night,’ she said. ‘Luke Hargrove’s’ ‘You say that like I know who that is.’ Hope laughed. ‘He’s this guy. Good friends with my friends.’ ‘Those girls?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What are their names again?’ ‘Corral, Laura - Lee, Daisy and Peyton.’ ‘Right,’ Faith said, biting into her cone. ‘So, you’re going to this party?’ ‘Yes, I’m going with Matthew,’ Hope said. ‘You and Sebastian should come.’ ‘What kind of party is it? Like a fun party, or a church party?’ Hope gave her a look. ‘It’s not a church party, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.’ ‘So it’s an actual party.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Will there be alcohol?’ ‘Probably.’ ‘Wow,’ Faith leaned back and smiled widely at Hope. ‘You’re going to an actual party with actual alcohol?’ ‘I’ve been to parties before. I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am.’ ‘Uh, the Holy Mother of Jesus Christ.’ ‘Stop.’ Faith laughed. ‘Isn’t underage drinking like, a sin?’ ‘I don’t drink. I can still enjoy a party without alcohol.’ ‘Wow, that takes a lot.’ ‘I don’t rely on alcohol for fun.’ ‘Neither do I. it’s just a great benefit.’ ‘Well then, tomorrow should be perfect for you,’ Hope said. ‘Will you come?’ ‘Sure. I’ll mention it to Seb. I’m sure he’ll be down.’ ‘Awesome.’ ‘Awesome.’ They finished their ice - cream and put the napkins in the bin beside them. Hope took a sip from her water bottle and Faith stared out towards the water. ‘What else do you do around her for fun?’ Faith asked. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Like, for fun. What do people in this town even do?’ ‘Well, we go to church,’ Hope winked. Faith rolled her eyes. ‘I don’t know, everyone does different things. Sometimes there’s parties. People go to cottages, fish, swim in the lake, have braai’s, hang out with friends and family.’ ‘That sounds extremely boring.’ ‘Well what do you do for fun?’ Faith thought for a moment. ‘Point made. Anyways, that all sounds great and all, but that’s summer stuff. What the hell do people do here in the winter?’ ‘Not much actually, It’s far too cold. Everyone just stays indoors. Kids go to school, adults work. That’s about it.’ ‘Now that’s even more boring.’ ‘Yeah, well that’s life. It gets boring sometimes.’ ‘Ugh,’ Faith leaned back on her elbows and sighed loudly. ‘I want more out of life than that.’ ‘What did you have in mind?’ ‘I don’t know,’ Faith said. ‘I just don’t want to be stuck in this small town for the rest of my life, being bored and doing nothing. I want to see the world. Leave my mark. Do something productive.’ ‘Then do that.’ Faith turned to her. ‘Okay, I will.’ ‘It’s not that difficult. You just …go out and do it, right?’ ‘Yeah,’ Faith said, nodding. ‘You’re right.’ It was quiet again. Faith was picking at the grass and throwing it to the side. ‘I can’t believe I’m turning seventeen on Monday.’ Hope said. ‘Oh my God,’ Faith turned to her.’ I completely forgot.’ Hope laughed. ‘That’s okay.’ ‘I should have remembered that.’ ‘It’s just crazy, right? How fast the time seems to fly by.’ ‘It’s true. The older we get, the faster time goes by. Remember being a little kid, thinking that a day was the longest thing ever?’ ‘Yeah, And being in primary school, thinking that a month’s summer break was such a long time.’ ‘Yeah, I used to think that too. That summer was infinite. And now. It’s gone by so fast.’ ‘It’s weird. Is it time that changes, or simply our perceptions?’ ‘Well, our perceptions, obviously. Time is nothing but a social construct.’ ‘What to do you mean?’ ‘Time doesn’t exist, Hope. it’s something that humans created to measure our lives with.’ ‘But time is important. We need it to organize our lives.’ ‘Maybe. Maybe not. Animals don’t count time. Nature doesn’t have time, And yet, the world still turns. Life still goes on.’ ‘Interesting.’ ‘Mhmmm,’ Faith nodded. ‘If you had the ability to live forever, would you?’ ‘I don’t know. That’s a tough question.’ ‘Not really. It’s pretty straight forward.’ ‘But like, would everyone live forever? Or just me? And at what age would I live for eternity at?’ ‘Whatever age you want.’ ‘Okay, so you’re saying I could just choose to stop aging now and live the rest of eternity as a seventeen year old girl?’ ‘You’re sixteen, But yes.’ ‘Okay, Then …no. I wouldn’t.’ Faith seemed utterly surprised by that answer. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because I’d be standing still through time, remaining sixteen forever, and the rest of the people I love would grow old and eventually die. And then I’d be alone.’ ‘Oh, But everyone experiences loss. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live forever.’ ‘Well, I wouldn’t want to. It would be too lonely.’ ‘Hmmm,’ Faith said. ‘Well, I would.’ ‘You’d live forever?’ ‘Yeah. Think about how rad that would be.’ ‘I guess.’ ‘Fuck the rest of society, I’d do me. Live my own life. Do everything I ever wanted.’ ‘But then what? When you run out of things to do? wouldn’t you get bored?’ ‘No, Boredom is for mortals. If I could live forever, there would be endless possibilities of what I could achieve. It would be amazing.’ Hope smiled. ‘I’m glad you think that way.’ Faith looked at her and returned the smile. ‘Me Too.’