FAITH & HOPE 51

HOPE Friday after school, Hope walked home alone, listening to the sound of people talking and laughing around her. Everyone seemed to be with somebody, whether it be a spouse, a parent, a child, or a friend. And then there was Hope, walking alone. She was feeling refreshed after her conversation with Matthew the day prior. Of course she felt bad and there was a part of her that would always love him, but she did what needed to be done. The harsh reality was that she and Matthew were no longer suitable together. And it was unfortunate that it took going through all of that to realize it, but at least Hope was coming out a better person. She had lived and she had learned. Now all she had to do was move on with her life and pray that she didn’t see Faith around the school too often, because that would only break her heart more. She wanted to talk to Faith. Wanted to reach out and communicate with her in some way. She debated calling her, leaving a note on her door, something - anything - to let her know that she was sorry and was always thinking about her. Perhaps if they were able to meet and talk things out, Faith would understand. Their differences didn’t matter to Hope - none of that mattered. She didn’t care if Faith was a foul - mouthed atheist who hated people and got an abortion. She didn’t care about any of it anymore. Her heart was aching for Faith and all she wanted to do was hold her. Hope walked into the house and placed her bag on the bench beside the front door. She made her way into the kitchen to make her after - school snack. But when she got there, she noticed that both of her parents were sitting at the dining room table, hands folded in front of them, staring at her. ‘What’s going on?’ Hope asked, taking an apprehensive step forward. ‘Come sit,’ her father beckoned. She obeyed, walking into the room and pulling out one of the chairs to take a seat. ‘What is it?’ she asked, turning to look at both of her parents. They were quiet for a moment. The tension in the room was thick. Thoughts were racing through Hope’s mind, did somebody die? Are they separating? Am I in trouble? ‘We talked with Matthew,’ Joana finally spoke, then remained silent, allowing her words to linger in the air, to settle in Hope’s mind. ‘Okay…’ Hope said, her heart rate accelerating. ‘We don’t blame you,’ her father said, eyes sympathetic. ‘Do you think that this is your fault, it is beyond your control.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’re getting you the help that you need,’ he said. ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘You’re not well, Hope,’ her mother said in a gentle tone. But those words and that voice did not go together. ‘What did he say to you?’ Hope cried. ‘He said all that he needed to.’ Gabriel said. ‘You Don’t have to worry about that.’ ‘Oh, I’m worried,’ Hope said, shaking. ‘What are you doing? What have you done?’ They both looked at each other, then returned their gaze to their daughter. ‘We’re only doing what’s best for you.’ Joana said. “We’re doing what’s right.’ Hope stared at her, petrified, not saying a word. ‘It’s only temporary,’ Gabriel said, attempting to reassure her. ‘We will guarantee that you get the help you need. And then you can come home again.’ ‘Come home? What are you talking about? Where am I going?’ ‘To Ashton,’ her mother said. ‘There’s a facility there. They can help people like you,’ she said the words like you as though they possessed some sort of venom. Poison on her tongue. ‘Ashton? Why?’ ‘We’re already arranged for your retrieval,’ Gabriel told her. ‘They’ll be here shortly.’ ‘They’ll take you to the facility and there, you will undergo conversion treatment,’ Joana explained. ‘They will help rid you of those immoral thoughts that taint your mind.’ Hope was in shock. She couldn’t even cry because she couldn’t process what was happening. ‘You think I’m sick,’ she said slowly. ‘You think that my sexual identity is an illness.’ They were both quiet for a moment. ‘Homosexuality is an illness, Hope,’ her father said. ‘As I said, it’s not your fault. We do not blame you. We just want you to get the help you need so that you’ll be better again.’ ‘This is crazy!’ Hope stood, fuming. ‘Hope, please,’ her mother said. ‘No, you can’t do this. You Can’t make me go.’ ‘Yes, actually, we can,’ Gabriel said. Hope was breathing heavily. She didn’t know what to do. She could run? She’d have to run. But where would she go? Just then, the doorbell rang and she felt her veins go cold. She looked at the door, then looked at her parents. ‘Who is that?’ she asked, fearing the answer. Joana looked at the door, then to Gabriel. She took in a breath, then turned to Hope and said. ‘They’re here.’ FAITH Finally, after weeks of putting it off, she went to visit her father. She and Donny left early on Saturday morning and arrived just after eleven a.m. Faith was planning on spending the weekend taking it easy and catching up on some reading, while Donny planned to look at apartments in the city. The weekend was dreary and damp, a sign of things to come. Although life was getting back to normal, Faith was still feeling the remnants of her summer with Hope. Everything had once been so good for Faith, despite all of the tragedy that was happening in her life. Hope was the one good thing that she could look forward to. The one thing in her life that wasn’t terrible. Faith wondered if she had made a mistake. She wondered what would happen if she returned home to Willows and went directly to Hope. She could apologize, tell her how stupid she had been. Would Hope forgive her? Accept her into her arms willingly? Or had the damage already been done? Faith sighed and buried her face into the pillow. No amount of sulking and thinking of what ifs was going to change anything. The past was in the past. She needed to move forward and continue on with her life. She just didn’t know how she was going to be able to do that without Hope. That night, William took Faith and Donny out for supper. They talked about new films that had just been released, like ‘Memory and Ice on the Road’ - Liam Neeson was his favourite actor, as well as upcoming plans. ‘Your mom tells me you were really into photography for a bit,’ William said, cutting a piece of his chicken. ‘A bit, yeah,’ Faith said, moving her food around her plate but not eating it. ‘What stopped?’ ‘I ran out of film.’ ‘But we got some more,’ Donny added. ‘Yeah, But I guess I just grew tired of it.’ ‘I can get you more film if you’d like.’ ‘That’s okay. Thanks though.’ ‘You alright?’ her father asked. ‘You seem a bit blue.’ ‘It’s just this weather,’ she sighed. ‘Makes me feel crappy.’ ‘I hear you on that one,’ Donny said, biting into a potato chip. ‘I miss the summer weather already.’ ‘Did you find any potential places today?’ Faith asked, turning the attention to her brother. ‘Maybe, Everything is so expensive down here,’ ‘Welcome to the city,’ their father joked. ‘I have one or two in mind though,’ Donny said. ‘It will be fun, living out here on my own.’ ‘And it will be pretty shitty without you at home,’ Faith admitted. ‘Don’t be too sad, squirt, I’ll still come visit.’ ‘More like I’ll have to visit you,’ she said. ‘Get me the hell out of Willows.’ ‘I thought you were enjoying it there?’ William said. ‘I was. Sort of. But things change.’ William and Donny exchanged a glance. Both of them knew not to pursue the topic further. ‘Well, what else did you want to do while you’re in the city?’ William asked Faith. ‘Nothing.’ ‘Come on, there must be something.’ She sighed again. ‘I don’t know. I’ll figure it out tomorrow.’ ‘Okay,’ he said, staring at his daughter, but not having a clue as to how she was feeling. ‘We can talk in the morning.’ HOPE She sat in the empty white room, nothing around her but walls. She wasn’t even permitted to have a roommate, because healing was all about solitude. On that first day, they went over a lot of information with Hope. Orientation day, they called it. They gave her a tour of the facility, a fairly nice, renovated building with four floors and five acres of property. The trip to Ashton was long and nerve- wrecking. When they finally arrived, she felt as though she was in the middle of nowhere. An old mansion turned into a hospital - like facility. Hope couldn’t help but feel apprehensive as they took her inside and showed her around the place. There were other people there, both youths and adults. Some were voluntary patients, others, like Hope, were not. Forced against their will by either parents or caregivers, they did not have a choice in this treatment. But there was nothing to treat, Hope thought. There’s nothing wrong with me. There was a bible in every room. Normally this sort of talisman would make Hope feel safe and at home. But there, in this foreign facility, it felt like a threat. The nurses seemed nice enough, but even Hope knew that their politeness came with a cost. They all had the same goal in mind, and that was to rid Hope of these deviant sexual thoughts. To convert her from her sinful homosexual ways, and make her straight again. As if it could ever be so simple. Her first session was group therapy. There, each individual went around the room and stated their name and what they were there for. It was the same for everyone. And for the first time in her life, Hope looked at these people and didn’t see them for their sexuality. Didn’t see them for their sins or for what God would think of them. She saw them as people. As individuals who were just trying to live their lives, but unfortunately had some interference. At supper, she kept to herself. She noticed groups of people congregating at specific tables and it reminded her of the high school dynamic, But this wasn’t high school. It was far from it. And Hope didn’t want to have any part of it. She would keep her head down, eyes straight ahead, and avoid any other human contact. On the second day was when things became more serious. Hope began her day in Morning Prayer with the rest of the group. But shortly after lunch was when things changed for the worse. She was taken into an isolated room with a single chair for her to sit on. A man in a white lab coat spoke to her and asked her many, many questions that she felt uncomfortable answering. ‘When did you first begin having these feelings?’ ‘How prominent would you say these feeling are?’ ‘Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone of the opposite sex?’ ‘Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone of the same - sex?’ ‘How often do you find yourself thinking about someone of the same sex?’ ‘Do you believe that you can remedy these feelings of deviancy and immorality?’ Once the session with the Doctor was over, Hope was taken to another vacant room, but this one was dark, all of the lights dimmed low, There was a single television screen at the front of the room and a chair for Hope to sit. At first, it looked almost inviting. But soon enough, Hope would realize that this was something out of a nightmare. The nurse ushered her forwards and as soon as she was seated, strapped her arms and legs to the chair. Hope tried to scream and fight, but it was no use - they overpowered her. They tilted her head backwards and secured it with a strap across her forehead. They pried her eyelids apart and held them open with tape. Eventually, she learned to remain still and silent. It hurt less that way. And so she kept her eyes wide open and watched as the images played out on the screen in front of her. The days passed by slowly, everything blurring into one. An endless form of torture that she believed would never end. How long did her parents intend on keeping her here? A month? Two months? Until she was cured? She had learned to disguise her true feelings, masked in a behaviour that wasn’t her own. She wasn’t stupid. Hope knew that the only way to get out of this God forsaken place was to be cured, and to be cured, you needed to be heterosexual. You needed to convince the doctors that you had been successfully treated and converted. She nodded her head and smiled on cue. She ate with the other youths and even talked with them sometimes. She met a boy named Alistair who was in for the same reason as her. His parents were extremely Catholic, and when they discovered his secret boyfriend, sent him here without a second thought. Alistair explained to Hope that he would always have feelings for boys. He had known since he was a kid that his sexual orientation was different than the other kids. But that didn’t make him deranged. It Didn’t even make him special or different. He said it was normal. Some people like guys, some people like girls. There was nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong at all. ‘We need to stop viewing people based on their sexuality,’ Alistair said. ’People are just people. Why make it more complicated than that?’ Hope understood and she agreed. Why did there need to be labels such as gay, straight and bi, when you could just accept someone as a person instead. Why was that so difficult? She wouldn’t say that her religion was faltering, but it was definitely changing. No longer did she feel the devotion and commitment to God and Jesus Christ as she did before. It wasn’t that she blamed them necessarily. She knew it was the people who followed religion, not the creators of religion themselves, who were at fault. God still loved her. He would accept her no matter what. But right now, Hope couldn’t think about God or his opinion of her. Right now, she could only think of herself. ‘I’m in love with a girl named Faith,’ she explained. ’She’s an atheist.’ ‘How ironic,’ Alistair replied. ‘She was the best thing that ever happened to me.’ ‘How did your parents find out?’ ‘Well, I was dating a boy named Matthew. We were set to marry. But then I had to break up with him. Because of Faith. And so he told my parents the truth. That I’m gay. Or Bi or whatever.’ ‘Does Faith know that you’re here?’ Hope hesitated. ’No, We got in a big fight. That’s why I broke up with Matthew, actually. Because Faith - well, she didn’t break up with me because we were never dating, but .. She ended things.’ ‘Why would she do that? Didn’t she love you?’ ‘She did. I think she loved me a lot. But Faith had her own problems. And we are very different people. She thought she was protecting me.’ “Protecting you how?’ ‘Because,’ she said, thinking to herself. ‘Faith is very different. She’s not like you and me, Alistair. She’s her own person, a free spirit. And she doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She does what she want. But she also has a lot of internal pain. She lost her sister. to Leukaemia. And then her parents divorced. And she also has depression. I think, although she doesn’t know it. OR maybe she does know it, but she doesn’t know what to call it. She just has this great sadness inside of her that no one can cure. Not even me. And that was the hardest part. Knowing that I wasn’t enough. I made her happy, but only temporarily. Sometimes there’s things inside of people that prevent them from ever truly being happy. And Faith has that.’ ‘Has she ever talked to anyone about it?’ ‘No. She talked to me, but that’s it. I told her that she should see someone. A counsellor or a therapist maybe. But she doesn’t listen. She’s very stubborn.’ ‘Sorry, I think I might have missed something’ Alistair said. ‘How was she protecting you?’ ‘Right,’ Hope said, trying to get back on track. ‘We are very conflicting people. Our beliefs and our personalities clash, apparently. Well, I don’t think so. But according to Faith we do. So anyways, something happened, I really shouldn’t say, but it was a very big determining factor between us, based on our core beliefs. I believed one thing, and she believed the opposite. And it ultimately came between us. I guess things were never fine between us, we knew that from the start. But all it took was that one conflicting ideology for Faith to realize the truth. She said that she’s no good for me. That she’ll only bring me down.’ ‘Do you believe that’s true?’ Hope thought about this. ‘Maybe, But maybe not. And even if it was true, I don’t care. She can drag me down all she wants, as long as she’s dragging me somewhere.’ Hope paused. ‘I just love her so much. I don’t ever want to be without her.’ ‘You’re only young,’ Alistair smiled, trying to reassure her. ‘I know it may seem like the world is ending, but it’s not. There is still so much for you to experience. So much of your life to live. So don’t think of this as the end, Hope. It’s only the beginning.’ She tried to smile and take his words for what they were. ‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. ‘But without Faith, there is no beginning.’